1) Pop Quiz! What happens when a female lawmaker defends public breast feeding?
A) Her (Republican) male colleagues engage her in calm and rational discourse.
B) Her (Republican) male colleagues behave like a bunch of misogynist imbeciles.
If you guessed B, you're correct! Did you know that it's currently legal for both sexes to be topless in New Hampshire? Me neither! But ladies, if you want to swing your boobies around Concord, you'd better hurry up, because they're outlawing female toplessness. State Rep. Amanda Bouldin thought that there should be an exception for breastfeeding mothers, and let her colleagues know via Facebook, which is apparently how politics works now. And then they threatened to grab her nipples. They threatened. To grab. Her. Nipples. The sponsor of the bill, Rep. Josh Moore, had this to say: "If it's a woman's natural inclination to pull her nipple out in public and you support that, than [sic] you should have no problem with a mans inclantion [sic] to stare at it and grab it. After all... It's ALL relative and natural, right?" Yeah, I kept his grammar and spelling errors in, because fuck this idiot. The best part of this story is that there actually IS an exception for breastfeeding mothers already written into the law. But instead of pointing out Bouldin's error, Moore decided to ignore all logic and go straight for assault. Another dude, a Rep named Al Baldasaro, weighed in, and I'll just copy his completely incoherent Facebook commentary so you can remind yourself that this person is an elected official:
DUDE. First of all, YOU DO NOT MAKE A PLURAL NOUN BY ADDING AN APOSTROPHE. Beaches. B-e-a-c-h-e-s. "Liberty-minded" is a compound adjective and requires a hyphen for clarity. Don't forget, "i before e except after c!" B-e-l-i-e-v-e is the correct spelling.
Also, her name is fucking Amanda, not Amandana, and if you're going to tell her how much you don't want to see her nipple, you should probably spell her name right.
With all due respect (none) to Representatives Baldasaro and Moore, fuck you. Though the bill you both support has an exception for nursing mothers, you still just can't help yourself! Breasts do not exist solely for your fapping pleasure. They're for feeding children and for catching crumbs. If you can't see a nipple without needing to reach out and grab it like a baby developing his fine motor skills, that's your problem. Grow up, show some basic human decency, and learn how to fucking spell.
2) We got some good news for Christmas this week. No, cookies still have calories (THAT'S A LADY JOKE! CHOCOLATE-CHOCOLATE-CHOCOLATE, ACK!), but Bill Cosby was finally charged with aggravated sexual assault, so let's all rejoice! Oh lord, I can't wait for this bearded fart to rot in a jail cell. Hopefully while wearing a brightly-colored sweater.
3) Hey, George Lucas. How you doin', buddy? I loved The Force Awakens, btw! Super cool. How great to see your characters again. I feel like you should be feeling pretty awesome right now, but I forgot that you are a bitter old weirdo who loves to ruin everything. Can you do me a quick favor and not compare a Hollywood deal to selling your children off to white slave traders? Because it isn't that. They're fictional space samurai people with daddy issues and you got 4 billion dollars in exchange for them. And let's be honest... you needed to be stopped. Remember Jar-Jar Binks? Remember fucking PODRACING? Remember adding late 90's CGI to your original masterpieces? Do you even remember that Han shot first? Do you remember that I can't even watch The Return of the Jedi without seeing goddamn Hayden Christensen's stupid face alongside Obi-Wan and Yoda? I have never, ever, ever sided with a corporation over an artist before, but I'm doing it now. It's like social services taking your crack-addicted kids away. It's not white slavers.... it's a charitable mission. Shut up and count your money and smile for the cameras and stop making me hate you, because Han Solo was my first love, and so that makes the two of us linked for life.
4) FYI, it's still fine to for a cop to kill a child holding a fake gun as long as that child is black. It's fine for that cop to start shooting within two seconds of arriving at the scene, and it's fine to use the pellet gun as justification, even though Ohio is an open carry state so Tamir Rice should have legally been able to carry a visible gun everywhere he went. It's totally cool. He probably would have grown up to be a Very Dangerous Black Man anyway. We all know that VDBM don't have families or feelings or read books or sing songs or dance or pray or laugh until their bellies hurt or weep with joy or sorrow or love. They don't become teachers or doctors or social workers or fathers or husbands. No, VDBM are very dangerous (hence the name), and exist only to populate our jails. So it's totally fine to kill this child. Who knows what he could have become?
Rest in Power, Tamir. I'm sorry we failed you.
