Fuck Columbus

Good morning. Here's your yearly reminder that Christopher Columbus was a monster and Columbus Day is a shameful stain on our country. Some talking points: 

1) By 1492, virtually no one except idiots thought the world was flat, kind of like today. Columbus proved literally nothing. 

2) Columbus didn't discover a damn thing. First of all, you can't "discover" a place where people have already been freaking living, but if you're coming from a colonizer mindset, he still didn't discover anything. Europeans had been to North America a number of times already. Besides, Columbus didn't set foot in what is now the United States; dude smashed his ship into the Bahamas. 

3) Columbus was one of the founding fathers of the trans-Atlantic slave trade. Kidnapping human beings from their home, shipping them like cattle across the ocean, and selling them to Spanish assholes is, I hope we can agree, not awesome.

4) Columbus was a sociopath. In addition to enslaving human beings, he also committed a litany of other violent atrocities, including: rape of women and children, murder by beheading, public dismemberment, child sex trafficking, feeding human beings to his dogs, and other things that would make Jeffrey Dahmer sick. And he didn't just do this to indigenous people; he also abused the Spanish settlers who came to Hispaniola, who he starved and beat regularly. His atrocities were so severe that in 1500 Columbus was taken back to Spain in chains to be punished. 

5) No one gave 1/3 of 1/2 of a shit about Columbus until the mid-19th century when Washington Irving wrote a book about him, and for some reason we decided to use this (largely fictional) book to teach history instead of the thousands of available primary sources describing what actually happened. We've only been celebrating this shit as a nation since the 1930's, largely because a Catholic organization is good at lobbying. 

While this may seem like a small matter, Columbus Day is an offensive indicator of just how little regard we as a nation have for the indigenous people of this country. Despite being the original inhabitants of our vast nation, only about .9% of our population is comprised of native people. Relegated to reservations, indigenous Americans struggle to thrive, having the largest poverty and unemployment rates of any group in the United States. 25% live in poverty. Only 30% have health insurance. Substance abuse, particularly alcohol addiction, is an epidemic. 4 in 5 Indigenous women have experience violence in their lifetime. 

None of this happens in a bubble. What started with Columbus continued through Andrew Jackson and continues to this day with Standing Rock and the epidemic of missing and murdered indigenous women and girls. Lauding Columbus as if he was a hero is a slap in the face to every Native American and every decent human being in this country. In short: fuck Columbus. 

Please, if you live in a state where this holiday is celebrated, write your local officials to demand that today is celebrated as Indigenous People's Day. Write your national leaders to encourage them to make a nationwide change. 

While you're at it, please consider a donation today to an organization that helps Native Americans: 

American Indian College Fund: https://collegefund.org/ourwork/

American Association on Indian Affairs: https://www.indian-affairs.org/

Native American Rights Fund: https://www.narf.org/

Halloween Viewing For The 2020 Dumpster Fire

What's up, ghouls?

To be honest I've been having a little trouble getting into the holiday spirit, what with it being the end of democracy and human decency, but I'm not going to let 2020 take Halloween away from me. So no matter what happens in the next month or so, I've got a horror movie for everything. 

If the world goes back on lockdown: Oldboy - this Korean thriller surrounds a man held captive for 15 years who, after escaping, finds that the outside world is more fucked up than his prison cell. The shocking ending will be seared into your brain wrinkles forever and it will be a while before you ever eat dumplings again, but it's worth it. 

If Trump goes up in the polls: The Dead Zone - Christopher Walken can see your future when he touches you, but what really makes this movie appropriate is Trump stand-in Greg Stillson, a narcissistic politician whose nonstop publicity stunts and propaganda drive the world toward a nuclear holocaust. The happy ending will be a comfort to you as we hurtle ever-faster toward The Void.

If Amy Coney Barrett gets a confirmation hearing: Carrie - an abused, traumatized young woman takes bloody revenge on her tormentors, climaxing in the ultimate revenge on the religious fanatic who was responsible for her ruined life. If (god forbid) we have to listen to this asshole spew her cult propaganda all over the memory of RBG while dozens of white man who would definitely call Carrie "Cassie" take choice away from young women, I'm going to watch the finale 60 times in a row. 

If the GOP Covid deaths are covered up: The Autopsy of Jane Doe - a mysterious young woman's body protects her by hiding her cause of death. The reason is, of course, as sinister as Mitch McConnell. It's a taut, funny, cruel little twisty flick that you should definitely add to your list. 

If you start forgetting what day/week/month it is: Happy Death Day - it's Groundhog Day featuring a murderer in a baby mask, which is especially apt if you, like me, picture Trump as a giant, psychotic toddler on adderall. It's funnier than it is frightening, so if you're a scaredy-cat, this one is for you. 

If the eviction moratorium is lifted: Drag Me To Hell - a loan officer is subject to a gypsy curse when she opts to foreclose on an old woman's house instead of giving her an extension. I adore this movie. It has everything: goat demons, cat-eating, corpse vomit, lost buttons, and an attempt at gumming someone to death. It's a helluva good time. 

If your news alerts won't leave you TF alone: It Follows - an inescapable force won't stop following you, even when you think you're safe. In the movie, you scan sex your way out of the curse; unfortunately the news just keeps coming. 

If your liberal friends excuse/ignore racism: Get Out - if you haven't seen this masterpiece already, you're a dummy, but without giving too much away... white people are creeps who fetishize black culture and black bodies while happily profiting from white privilege. It's not only a powerful and important movie for all of us to watch, it's also funny, scary, and chock-full of fantastic performances.

If Trump tries to hide the truth: The Changeling - this movie is about buried secrets (literally). You can only keep a secret buried for so long. It will keep screaming to be revealed, even if people die. This ghost story is one of the best out there. Period. An un-freaking-forgettable seance scene is the cherry on top of one of the best horror movies ever made.

If your kids are doing virtual learning: The Babadook - first, if you're at home with your kids and trying to work and trying to teach them and trying not to drink yourself to death, my props to you. I don't know how you're still standing. This is a frightening, complicated movie about grief and pain, but it's the scene in the car featuring an unhinged, screaming child that's kept me on a strict birth control regimen ever since. Hopefully you can keep your Babadook in the basement. 

If everything seems to be going wrong at once: Cabin In The Woods - there is not much I can say about this movie that won't spoil it, so I'll just say this: this is a movie about the arrogance and ineptitude of our government and the dehumanization of people. It's also a movie where every possible monster that could be unleashed is unleashed. It's probably one of my top 5 movies of all time. Not horror movies, all movies. It's a wild ride with a lot to say, and you'll have fun. Just watch it. You'll love it. 

If the bad news stops upsetting you: Videodrome - the only thing worse than feeling terrible about the state of the world is feeling totally numb about the state of the world. It stars noted lunatic Trump lover James Woods, but please don't let that deter you from watching this. This flick is all about how the increasingly sick, violent, and gratuitous media invades our minds and becomes part of us. It's made for the VHS era, but substitute the internet and it's more relevant than ever. Bonus points for starring Debbie Harry and for a gun made out of human flesh. 

If all else fails, just watch Halloween. It's a good movie. 

Stay strong and stay spooky, friends.