The weight.

My friends, like so many of you, my heart is heavy. Hea. Vy. 

The events of the past 4 years, of the past 4 days, of the past 4 hours, 4 minutes, 4 seconds have begun to convince me that we no longer have a country worth saving. Honestly, what the hell is left? When black and brown human beings are gleefully and repeatedly gunned down with little thought, what are we even trying to save? 

A government littered with criminals and sycophants? 

A place where white men with guns can storm a capitol building with no repercussions? 

A police force so obstinate and drunk on their own power that they would rather blindly support murderers than do their sworn duty? 

A country where innocent, sleeping Breonna Taylor can be gunned down in her own home while her murderers walk the streets? 

Where people extend support to those who shot Jacob Blake in front of his children? 

Where a 17-year old child so indoctrinated by propaganda and gun culture can freely walk the streets with an automatic weapon, supported and encouraged by those ordered with protecting us? 

Where Michael Brown was murdered for shoplifting but double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse was taken in easily? 

Where our own president has broken the law 20 times since I started this sentence, but he continues to consume oxygen while Eric Garner and George Floyd and Sandra Bland will never breathe again? 

Fuck it. Split it up and let these monsters live in a theocratic police state governed by mobster-wannabes and their enablers. Thomas Jefferson raped enslaved children and George Washington gnawed on cherries with his nasty-ass wooden teeth. America is not worth saving. Let them have it. Let's turn 1/4 of this place into West Sweden. 

But of course, we can't do that. 

So what do we do? Do we leave? I have no skills except for saying "fuck" a lot and acceptable grammar, so who would even take me? I'll probably have to stay. 

So again I ask: what in the hell do we do? I vote. I protest. I give what I can financially. I try to call out shit whenever I see it. SO many of us do this, and it still feels like we are losing. I've felt deep shame in my country many times in my life (remember GWB?), but not the way I do now. Even if we do manage to remedy some of the wrongs of the last 4 years, how do we ever feel safe here knowing what we know about 50% of the people who live here? 

I don't have the answer. I'm hoping you guys do? A little help, y'all?