Mayonnaise-Americans, we need to talk.

Dear White People,

We need to talk, guys. I feel like a lot of you aren’t participating in the Become Rational Humans project, and it’s really bringing the rest of us down. Some of us are ready to move on to Get Woke 102, but most of you haven’t even been able to pass Intro To Being Decent, let alone Don’t Point Guns At Things You’re Mad At.

I know that we all have our scholastic weaknesses (I really struggled with White Feminism: You Have Problems), but I feel like you aren’t even trying! You have to do the homework, guys.

I guess I’m extra mad because this particular homework is sooooo easy. Like, all you have to do is not go outside and spit on people while holding assault rifles. You are making it so much harder than the assignment. Just sit at home and order Dominos like the rest of us! Boom! Passed. You can even get a head start on Tiger King, which is the assigned reading for White Culture 401!

It’s really embarrassing. Like, SO embarrassing, you guys.

If you need a study buddy, you don’t have to wait for Thanksgiving for your kids to educate you: call them now and ask them how science works! They’ll be so happy, and I know you’ll have a great tutoring session. If you’re lucky, they may even help you with Is This Oppression Or Am I Entitled? It’s a great class, really eye-opening.

So can you get it together, guys? I know the whole school would really like to leave their house before December. Are we cool?

Cool. Text me if you need to have privilege explained; it can be a tricky concept.

- Rantsy, class of 2024