Hello, friends and neighbors! What are you grateful for on this fine Thanksgiving Day? Today I'm grateful for truth-telling, because besides getting a day off of work, an excuse to overeat, and day-drinking, Thanksgiving is the worst, and here's why.
1) The Puritans were total assholes. I mean, yes they were totally persecuted in Britain and that sucks, but to be fair, they were planning to overthrow the government (and did in 1649). They wanted to "purify" anyone who disagreed with them, and the New England Puritans "purified" people with lies, trickery, and genocide, because #WHITEPEOPLE. In the fucking sermon he gave ON THANKSGIVING in front of the Wampanoag, Mather the Elder thanked God for destroying"chiefly young men and children, the very seeds of increase, thus clearing the forests to make way for a better growth," which essentially means "thanks for making sure all the brown people died of the smallpox we brought!" Dick move, Mather. Plus even though the Puritans invited the Wampanoag over for dinner, the Wampanoag still brought most of the food. Rude. You know what else is rude? Killing off pretty much the entire tribe a few years later. Oh, and they also encouraged the American slave trade, selling indigenous people as slaves to the southern colonies. High five, dickholes.
2) Turkey is a garbage bird. I eat turkey once a year (dark meat only, obviously), and I will only eat it if someone else makes it and I have to do nothing. It's the worst. It takes FOREVER to cook, and you have to brine it or deep fry it to make it even remotely palatable, and even then 60% of the time it is still somehow a disaster that leaves everyone in tears, which you will need to lubricate your dry-as-fuck turkey. And after that you have turkey FOREVER. Forever and ever and ever. Turkey sandwich. Turkey taco. Turkey chili. Turkey casserole. Turkey frittata. Turkey whatever-the-hell. NO. I do not want to eat you for more than one meal, turkey! No. NO NO NO. A brief list of birds I'd rather eat: duck, chicken, cornish game hen, sparrow, goose, bald eagle, steak.
3) Black Friday, the most embarrassing day of the year for America. More embarrassing than the entire presidency of George W. Bush. More embarrassing than that"Proud to be An American" song. More embarrassing our pitiful healthcare system. People DIE, you guys. People get up at 2AM and go to Wal-Mart and wait outside in the frigid November weather, and then when the store opens at 4AM they stampede to the back of the store for the discounted electronics, but instead of coming home with a new TV, they DIE because another bunch of assholes trampled all over them. THIS IS A THING THAT HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE GODDAMNED YEAR. Look, I love stuff. I love my stuff so much. I love sales, too! Stuff on sale? Fuck yeah! However. How-fucking-ever, you could not pay me enough to leave my house on Black Friday. I'm not trying to die over a cashmere sweater, and neither should you.
4) With Black Friday comes The Christmas Season®. Fuck. I can't complain about it being too early anymore, guys. I have no excuse now. It's coming. It's coming to steal whatever remaining will to live you have left after your Racist Aunt Gladys goes home. It's coming to pollute your ears with "The Christmas Shoes" and any version of "Santa Baby" that isn't sung by Eartha Kitt. It's coming to take your hard-earned money because Jesus wants - nay, DEMANDS - presents (just kidding, this has nothing to do with Jesus). Christmas is a dual headed demon with sleighbells for eyes, and it is coming. Do you smell the sulfur? Can you feel the despair? Your heart is tightening, and an ulcer beings to form. An internal scream begins. Softly at first, then louder and louder, until it drowns out the whining of children and complaining about saying "happy holidays." Soon that scream will be deafening and relentless, driving you to madness and despair. It's coming. It will arrive tomorrow and begin its 30-day path of destruction. But don't worry, there will be cookies.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Thursday Rant - 11/18/15
Hi, kiddos. It's been a helluva week, has it not? No bullet points today, because all I am thinking about are victims of violence. In Paris, in Beirut, in Kenya, in Syria, in the US... everywhere. So let's chat, shall we?
I hope everyone you know and love is safe and protected and unafraid. If not, please stop reading my internet idiocy and go take care of yourself.
I don't pretend to know much about ISIS/ISIL/Daesh/Bunch of Assholes. I only have the most basic understanding of what their goals are or what their beliefs are, and I have almost zero understanding of why they commit these acts. Yes, I read that Atlantic article, but I still don't fully comprehend, and I don't know if I ever will. I haven't been attacked that way... not ever. The closest I got to the recent violence was a friend of a friend who was trapped in a bathroom in Paris for three hours (she is safe). This is happening very far away, but to me (and I think to most other Westerners) it feels like it is happening at home. While suicide bombings like this happen in Syria so often that it rarely registers as newsworthy in the United States, an attack on Paris, the city of romance and berets and snail-eating, feels like a direct hit. It feels like an attack not just on our people, but on our way of life. Is it wrong to mourn their deaths more than we mourn the deaths of those in Beirut? Is it thoughtless? Is it racist or Islamophobic? Or is it normal? I really don't know. I've read a lot about the selective mourning going on, and also a lot about the grief-shaming, and for once I can't really make up my mind about who is and isn't correct. All I feel in this moment is the deep sadness that we are mourning at all.
What I do know is that we as a country are failing to help those who need it most. For all the griping I do about American politics and culture, I am usually still proud to be an American citizen. But not this week. Not at all. I look at (some of) my Facebook feed, I read the statements from politicians, I pour over opinion articles and I watch the news and I feel not only anger, but deep shame. In the immediate aftermath of the attacks, I heard more than one person (and more than one politician) argue that if France had open carry gun laws, this would not have happened. I heard Islamophobic hate speech that was worse than after 9/11. And later I saw the most abhorrent thing: I saw people turn their backs on Syrian refugees.
Not that I need to remind you, but the United States is a country of immigrants. We all came here for the same reason: a better life. America has welcomed the needy and suffering for generations. All immigrants came here to escape from something (even your ancestors, white people!). From war, from violence, from persecution, from hunger, from poverty, from SOMETHING. And that is all that the Syrian refugees want: a better life, free from fear. How anyone can turn away is beyond me. If you're reading this and you can turn away an orphaned child or a traumatized family, please explain to me how. While this isn't new (if you're unfamiliar with the history of the voyage of the SS St. Louis, please visit Wikipedia), it doesn't make it better.
What happened is terrifying. ISIS is terrifying. But our fear allows them to win, and it also makes us act like horrible people.
I saw a woman joke on a friend's Facebook page that we should "send them to Gitmo," followed by a winky face. Her name is Doris (of fucking course). Fuck Doris and her racism. Fuck her and her callousness. Fuck her and anyone like her. Doris makes me ashamed.
31 governors want to block Syrian refugees from entering their state. They can't actually legally do this, but they can make their lives a living hell once they get there by blocking money from refugee aid agencies that help with assimilation, language skills, and job seeking. And for your racism and religious bigotry, for keeping already marginalized people down, fuck you, governors. Fuck you. You make me ashamed.
So people, nut up. Grow a fucking pair. Daesh wants to scare you, and it worked. They want us to hate and fear Muslims and to display the ugliest parts of ourselves. They want just one reason to fuck up our world. Don't fucking give it to them. Fearing another's religion is not American. Fearing another's ethnic background is not American. And turning away those in danger is the least American of all. These people are not representative of Syrians or Muslims anymore than the Westboro Baptist Church is representative of Christian Kansans. I hope we can all be brave enough to know the difference.
I hope everyone you know and love is safe and protected and unafraid. If not, please stop reading my internet idiocy and go take care of yourself.
I don't pretend to know much about ISIS/ISIL/Daesh/Bunch of Assholes. I only have the most basic understanding of what their goals are or what their beliefs are, and I have almost zero understanding of why they commit these acts. Yes, I read that Atlantic article, but I still don't fully comprehend, and I don't know if I ever will. I haven't been attacked that way... not ever. The closest I got to the recent violence was a friend of a friend who was trapped in a bathroom in Paris for three hours (she is safe). This is happening very far away, but to me (and I think to most other Westerners) it feels like it is happening at home. While suicide bombings like this happen in Syria so often that it rarely registers as newsworthy in the United States, an attack on Paris, the city of romance and berets and snail-eating, feels like a direct hit. It feels like an attack not just on our people, but on our way of life. Is it wrong to mourn their deaths more than we mourn the deaths of those in Beirut? Is it thoughtless? Is it racist or Islamophobic? Or is it normal? I really don't know. I've read a lot about the selective mourning going on, and also a lot about the grief-shaming, and for once I can't really make up my mind about who is and isn't correct. All I feel in this moment is the deep sadness that we are mourning at all.
What I do know is that we as a country are failing to help those who need it most. For all the griping I do about American politics and culture, I am usually still proud to be an American citizen. But not this week. Not at all. I look at (some of) my Facebook feed, I read the statements from politicians, I pour over opinion articles and I watch the news and I feel not only anger, but deep shame. In the immediate aftermath of the attacks, I heard more than one person (and more than one politician) argue that if France had open carry gun laws, this would not have happened. I heard Islamophobic hate speech that was worse than after 9/11. And later I saw the most abhorrent thing: I saw people turn their backs on Syrian refugees.
Not that I need to remind you, but the United States is a country of immigrants. We all came here for the same reason: a better life. America has welcomed the needy and suffering for generations. All immigrants came here to escape from something (even your ancestors, white people!). From war, from violence, from persecution, from hunger, from poverty, from SOMETHING. And that is all that the Syrian refugees want: a better life, free from fear. How anyone can turn away is beyond me. If you're reading this and you can turn away an orphaned child or a traumatized family, please explain to me how. While this isn't new (if you're unfamiliar with the history of the voyage of the SS St. Louis, please visit Wikipedia), it doesn't make it better.
What happened is terrifying. ISIS is terrifying. But our fear allows them to win, and it also makes us act like horrible people.
I saw a woman joke on a friend's Facebook page that we should "send them to Gitmo," followed by a winky face. Her name is Doris (of fucking course). Fuck Doris and her racism. Fuck her and her callousness. Fuck her and anyone like her. Doris makes me ashamed.
31 governors want to block Syrian refugees from entering their state. They can't actually legally do this, but they can make their lives a living hell once they get there by blocking money from refugee aid agencies that help with assimilation, language skills, and job seeking. And for your racism and religious bigotry, for keeping already marginalized people down, fuck you, governors. Fuck you. You make me ashamed.
So people, nut up. Grow a fucking pair. Daesh wants to scare you, and it worked. They want us to hate and fear Muslims and to display the ugliest parts of ourselves. They want just one reason to fuck up our world. Don't fucking give it to them. Fearing another's religion is not American. Fearing another's ethnic background is not American. And turning away those in danger is the least American of all. These people are not representative of Syrians or Muslims anymore than the Westboro Baptist Church is representative of Christian Kansans. I hope we can all be brave enough to know the difference.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Thursday Rant 11/12/15
Thursday Realness. Enjoy, haterz.
1) I think I would be remiss if I didn't start with Redcupgate. Clearly this is the stupidest thing ever to happen, and I actually have seen zero people in the real, non-internet world supporting this nonsense, so hooray for everyone I know. In fact, this nonsense has so many people talking about how these Christians are misguided and wrong, and how their religion has no place for this stupidity, and I love it. I've not seen this sort of Rational Christian vs. Borderline Insane Christian realness in a long time. Maybe ever? People are running to call these morons on their bullshit (as they should, because OMG), but it is leaving me a little pissy that this doesn't happen more often. Especially that it doesn't happen more often with stuff that actually matters. Because Redcupgate, while irritating, doesn't matter. It's a paper coffee cup, and Starbucks will continue to be rich as fuck and serve overpriced, burnt-to-shit coffee and people will continue to drink it and everyone wins. What I am wondering about is why people aren't more vocal when it's something like gay marriage or birth control access or climate change or reproductive rights or income inequality or whatever. I mean, I certainly know a lot of Christians who support all of those things. I know a lot of Christians who think fundies are bonkers, but I don't see them often posting a ton of memes about how their intolerance is not very Christlike. Maybe someone can explain it to me? Is it like, showing professional courtesy to your fellow Christian? Because if so, where is the reluctance to criticize Redcupgate? For instance, last week Bobby Jindal and Mike Huckabee shared a stage with Pastor Kevin Swanson. Who is he, you ask? Well he is a Colorado pastor/nutcase who thinks that gays should be executed. Really. REALLY. He has said it many times. Rational Christians, where are my memes about how these people are idiots? It's got to be embarrassing to have the most vocal representatives of your religion (whether you like it or not) be Evangelical fundamentalist types. Real talk: if you don't believe in climate change or you think being gay is a choice, you're a fucking idiot, and it doesn't matter how you were raised or what an old book that is mostly analogies says about it, because there are plenty of people with the same background out there smart enough to think critically. If you believe that AND you want to legislate against it, you are being an asshole. And kind, intelligent, rational, reasonable Christians, you get lumped in with that mess! I certainly don't think of you when someone talks about the religious in this country. I think of some sweaty crazyface pastor with shiny teeth who thinks that gays should be stoned to death. I want to think of you guys. I do. I really, really, really, really do. So I'm pleading with you to start denouncing this nonsense. Shame them. I'm an agnostic with a chip on my shoulder. I can't shame people who think I'm going to burn in hell. But you can. Loving essays by kind pastors just aren't enough, because these people clearly lack critical reading skills. Start yelling, because they are WAY LOUDER THAN YOU ARE. So loud that I can't hear you! Even Jesus lost his temper when he called out hypocrisy, so I think he'll forgive you.
2) Republican debate number 14 zillion billion was on Tuesday night and I tot-ZZZZZZZ. Seriously, who even cares at this point? They've cut several people from the big kids table, and there are still too many damned people up there to actually debate. There was a Jeopardy buzzer this time, so that was.... new. All the dudes wore black suits with red ties except for Carson, who showed up in a light blue striped number, and then Cruz was like "on debate days we wear red" so maybe that's why Carson hardly said anything. Or maybe he was busy perfecting his already impeccable Droopy Dog impression. I don't know. But it was really everyone jerking off about getting all BDSM with Dodd-Frank. (If you're not a dork like me and are all WTF are you talking about, Dodd-Frank essentially created tougher rules for the mega-banks responsible for the financial fuckery, especially regarding risky trading, and protects consumers against predations like subprime lending. Anyway.) They are gonna cut it SO HARD. And Dodd-Frank is gonna like it, because it's a dirty little bitch. According to Fiorina, Dodd-Frank is "how Socialism starts," which is an excellent point if you are someone who doesn't know what Socialism is and if you are trying to distract everyone from the fact that you are one of the worst CEOs of all time and have never held public office. Jeb! also attacked it, even though he presided over a state with one of the largest housing bubbles because watching Florida foreclose was hilarious. You see, big banks are really just small businesses, and these poor little mom and pop banks just can't handle it. Take Bank of America, for instance. I bet you thought that they were a big corporation, but it's actually run by Dan and Dottie Tanner out of the back of their house in Beeville, GA. And poor Dan and Dottie can't keep up with all these regulations! Not with the crops going bad and Dottie's bad hip. Won't you have pity on mega-banks! Bank regulation is killing the American farmer! Just kidding, B of A and all the others are run by rich assholes in suits. Fooled you.
3) Hey Donald Trump! HEY! Fuck you! There are a million reasons to hate you: you're racist, your misogynist, you scream, you lie, you make stupid faces... but I am flipping you the middle finger this morning because you said Hilary Clinton was wearing a wig. You. Said Hilary Clinton. Was wearing. A. Wig. YOU. Donald Trump. I mean, it was, Matt Drudge, who originally said it, and you jumped on the bandwagon and embraced it, so it isn't even ORIGINAL. Look, I was going to talk about how ridiculous it is to attack a candidate's appearance because sexism/irrelevance/assholery and blah blah blah, but instead, I'm going to make fun of your appearance, because I'm a hypocrite, JUST LIKE YOU. OK, here we go. Dude, are you fucking for real? You're going to call someone out on their appearance? YOU?!? Have you fucking SEEN yourself? You look like a pile of cow feces with hay on top. Your perma-frown makes Grumpy Cat look like one of the Osmonds. Your skin is reminiscent of a cowboy's used saddlebag. I could use your under-eye bags as a pillow, you're so fucking puffy and bloated. You look like an old tooth with a merkin on top. Your nasty-ass lips look like a corpse's withered pussy and I'm guessing your breath smells even worse. In short, you're an ugly old bastard with an even uglier mind. You're a factory-reject dildo with no ideas, no experience, no compassion, and no critical thinking skills. Also your hair looks fucking stupid. Feels shitty, doesn't it? Maybe stop talking about Clinton's (and Fiorina's) appearance, and focus on trying to speak above a 4th grade reading level, you idiot. Again I say, and not for the last time, fuck you.
4) Yesterday was Veteran's Day. Here is a shoutout to any vets reading: Thank you for serving. Thank you for doing what I am certainly not capable of doing. Thank you. Also, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that you were put in harm's way, and I'm doubly sorry for the ways that we fail to care for you when you return home. At best, I'm sorry for the trauma you suffered and triumphed over. At worst, I'm sorry for the PTSD, the sexual assault, the poverty, the high unemployment, the mental illness, the homelessness, the substance abuse, and so much more that is a result of the danger that you face every day. I'm sorry for the 22 of you who commit suicide every day because we failed to help you. You wait months for Veteran's Affairs to help you, and suffer empty promises of better care. We fail you every day, and still you serve with pride. Thank you. And for the rest of us, please write your representative or sign a petition or give to a charity or at the very least talk about how fucked this is. Our veterans deserve better.
Until next week, kiddos.
1) I think I would be remiss if I didn't start with Redcupgate. Clearly this is the stupidest thing ever to happen, and I actually have seen zero people in the real, non-internet world supporting this nonsense, so hooray for everyone I know. In fact, this nonsense has so many people talking about how these Christians are misguided and wrong, and how their religion has no place for this stupidity, and I love it. I've not seen this sort of Rational Christian vs. Borderline Insane Christian realness in a long time. Maybe ever? People are running to call these morons on their bullshit (as they should, because OMG), but it is leaving me a little pissy that this doesn't happen more often. Especially that it doesn't happen more often with stuff that actually matters. Because Redcupgate, while irritating, doesn't matter. It's a paper coffee cup, and Starbucks will continue to be rich as fuck and serve overpriced, burnt-to-shit coffee and people will continue to drink it and everyone wins. What I am wondering about is why people aren't more vocal when it's something like gay marriage or birth control access or climate change or reproductive rights or income inequality or whatever. I mean, I certainly know a lot of Christians who support all of those things. I know a lot of Christians who think fundies are bonkers, but I don't see them often posting a ton of memes about how their intolerance is not very Christlike. Maybe someone can explain it to me? Is it like, showing professional courtesy to your fellow Christian? Because if so, where is the reluctance to criticize Redcupgate? For instance, last week Bobby Jindal and Mike Huckabee shared a stage with Pastor Kevin Swanson. Who is he, you ask? Well he is a Colorado pastor/nutcase who thinks that gays should be executed. Really. REALLY. He has said it many times. Rational Christians, where are my memes about how these people are idiots? It's got to be embarrassing to have the most vocal representatives of your religion (whether you like it or not) be Evangelical fundamentalist types. Real talk: if you don't believe in climate change or you think being gay is a choice, you're a fucking idiot, and it doesn't matter how you were raised or what an old book that is mostly analogies says about it, because there are plenty of people with the same background out there smart enough to think critically. If you believe that AND you want to legislate against it, you are being an asshole. And kind, intelligent, rational, reasonable Christians, you get lumped in with that mess! I certainly don't think of you when someone talks about the religious in this country. I think of some sweaty crazyface pastor with shiny teeth who thinks that gays should be stoned to death. I want to think of you guys. I do. I really, really, really, really do. So I'm pleading with you to start denouncing this nonsense. Shame them. I'm an agnostic with a chip on my shoulder. I can't shame people who think I'm going to burn in hell. But you can. Loving essays by kind pastors just aren't enough, because these people clearly lack critical reading skills. Start yelling, because they are WAY LOUDER THAN YOU ARE. So loud that I can't hear you! Even Jesus lost his temper when he called out hypocrisy, so I think he'll forgive you.
2) Republican debate number 14 zillion billion was on Tuesday night and I tot-ZZZZZZZ. Seriously, who even cares at this point? They've cut several people from the big kids table, and there are still too many damned people up there to actually debate. There was a Jeopardy buzzer this time, so that was.... new. All the dudes wore black suits with red ties except for Carson, who showed up in a light blue striped number, and then Cruz was like "on debate days we wear red" so maybe that's why Carson hardly said anything. Or maybe he was busy perfecting his already impeccable Droopy Dog impression. I don't know. But it was really everyone jerking off about getting all BDSM with Dodd-Frank. (If you're not a dork like me and are all WTF are you talking about, Dodd-Frank essentially created tougher rules for the mega-banks responsible for the financial fuckery, especially regarding risky trading, and protects consumers against predations like subprime lending. Anyway.) They are gonna cut it SO HARD. And Dodd-Frank is gonna like it, because it's a dirty little bitch. According to Fiorina, Dodd-Frank is "how Socialism starts," which is an excellent point if you are someone who doesn't know what Socialism is and if you are trying to distract everyone from the fact that you are one of the worst CEOs of all time and have never held public office. Jeb! also attacked it, even though he presided over a state with one of the largest housing bubbles because watching Florida foreclose was hilarious. You see, big banks are really just small businesses, and these poor little mom and pop banks just can't handle it. Take Bank of America, for instance. I bet you thought that they were a big corporation, but it's actually run by Dan and Dottie Tanner out of the back of their house in Beeville, GA. And poor Dan and Dottie can't keep up with all these regulations! Not with the crops going bad and Dottie's bad hip. Won't you have pity on mega-banks! Bank regulation is killing the American farmer! Just kidding, B of A and all the others are run by rich assholes in suits. Fooled you.
3) Hey Donald Trump! HEY! Fuck you! There are a million reasons to hate you: you're racist, your misogynist, you scream, you lie, you make stupid faces... but I am flipping you the middle finger this morning because you said Hilary Clinton was wearing a wig. You. Said Hilary Clinton. Was wearing. A. Wig. YOU. Donald Trump. I mean, it was, Matt Drudge, who originally said it, and you jumped on the bandwagon and embraced it, so it isn't even ORIGINAL. Look, I was going to talk about how ridiculous it is to attack a candidate's appearance because sexism/irrelevance/assholery and blah blah blah, but instead, I'm going to make fun of your appearance, because I'm a hypocrite, JUST LIKE YOU. OK, here we go. Dude, are you fucking for real? You're going to call someone out on their appearance? YOU?!? Have you fucking SEEN yourself? You look like a pile of cow feces with hay on top. Your perma-frown makes Grumpy Cat look like one of the Osmonds. Your skin is reminiscent of a cowboy's used saddlebag. I could use your under-eye bags as a pillow, you're so fucking puffy and bloated. You look like an old tooth with a merkin on top. Your nasty-ass lips look like a corpse's withered pussy and I'm guessing your breath smells even worse. In short, you're an ugly old bastard with an even uglier mind. You're a factory-reject dildo with no ideas, no experience, no compassion, and no critical thinking skills. Also your hair looks fucking stupid. Feels shitty, doesn't it? Maybe stop talking about Clinton's (and Fiorina's) appearance, and focus on trying to speak above a 4th grade reading level, you idiot. Again I say, and not for the last time, fuck you.
4) Yesterday was Veteran's Day. Here is a shoutout to any vets reading: Thank you for serving. Thank you for doing what I am certainly not capable of doing. Thank you. Also, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that you were put in harm's way, and I'm doubly sorry for the ways that we fail to care for you when you return home. At best, I'm sorry for the trauma you suffered and triumphed over. At worst, I'm sorry for the PTSD, the sexual assault, the poverty, the high unemployment, the mental illness, the homelessness, the substance abuse, and so much more that is a result of the danger that you face every day. I'm sorry for the 22 of you who commit suicide every day because we failed to help you. You wait months for Veteran's Affairs to help you, and suffer empty promises of better care. We fail you every day, and still you serve with pride. Thank you. And for the rest of us, please write your representative or sign a petition or give to a charity or at the very least talk about how fucked this is. Our veterans deserve better.
Until next week, kiddos.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Thursday Rant 11/5/15
Sorry for the late posts, kiddos. I promise it's worth the wait. It's November, which means it's pitch black by 5PM. Let the seasonal depression begin!
1) Let's talk about where we can and can not take a shit. Apparently it's a really big deal. Such a big deal that in Houston people turned out in droves to vote because they thought Proposition 1 would allow a man in drag to go in to a women's public restroom so that they could see ass and titties/molest children. For right now let's ignore the fact that the Houston Equal Rights Ordinance (HERO) actually doesn't directly address public restrooms, and we'll even ignore the fact that transgender is not another word for a pedophile. No, I want to talk about what the hell kind of porno public restrooms that those who oppose HERO are using. I'm a lady, and I've used public restrooms. In fact, I've used public restrooms in New York City (where the gays live and sin is king and people say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"), and I have seen neither ass nor titties in a public women's room. I've seen some pretty gross stuff (poo smears, cocaine residue, vomit chunks, bloody toilet seats), but no ass and titties. Not once in my 30-some years on this blue marble have I seen ladies just walking around topless. It's not the shower scene from Carrie, it's a bathroom. My dear friends, we use the bathroom to eliminate waste from our systems. Basta. Of course, a reminder to all the idiots out there who equate being LGBT with being a sexual predator... there is no correlation between the two. And in the 200 cities and 17 states that have a similar law on the books, there are 0 clear examples of people using the law to abuse an adult or child. There is no danger of that. Like, none. Of course, anyone who pays attention knows that there is danger for a transperson to use a bathroom that doesn't match their gender identity. At best, they'll get embarrassing stares or comments. The worst is much, much worse. About a quarter of transpeople (it goes up for transwomen, and goes up even higher for transwomen of color) have experienced hate-fueled violence and/or sexual violence. 1 in 12 will be murdered. (Stats via HRC) So for fuck's sake, Houston... get it together and show some basic human decency. This law is about housing and jobs and the right of every person to feel safe in their community. If you don't want to use the same hole in the ground for shitting as a person who is different from you, then hold your pee and stay home.
2) So the Republican presidential candidates have compiled a list of demands for their next debate. I guess it's not so much a list of demands as it is like, a tour rider. Like they're J Lo and they need their dressing room to be filled with white candles or something. Mostly, they don't want to answer any difficult questions. Also in the list of demands is that the room has be at 67 degrees or less. I'm assuming that this is Chris Christie's doing because he is essentially a sweatier version of Tony Soprano. There is also something about not focusing the camera on an empty podium when a candidate is on a bathroom break. I don't know the reason, but I'm willing to be that Rand Paul gets the nervous poops and doesn't want everyone to know. You know what, let's just say that's the reason. Put it all over the internet. Of course it's fucking Trump leading the pack on the "asking me questions is mean" issue. Of course. Because Trump is somehow inexplicably the leader of this mess. Like if this were Mean Girls, Trump would be Regina George, Ben Carson would be Karen, and Jeb Bush would definitely be Gretchen Wieners. (Stop trying to make "Jeb can fix it" happen, Gretchen.) Anyway. So Trump is Queen Bee of the Idiots, because he (and Carson, but more on that shit in a sec) have the most to lose when people ask them questions that require coherent answers. When you read at a third grade level, it's got to be pretty fucking hard to answer basic questions like "what is your economic policy?" and "how will you pay for a wall around the United States?" DUDES (and Carly). You want to be president. People are sometimes going to be mean to you. And by "be mean to you" I actually mean "ask you completely valid questions about your policies or lack thereof."
3) This is going to be a short rant, but I needed you guys to know about it. Remember when I called Ben Carson an idiot like, one paragraph up?? It could have been for any number of reasons, but here's why this week: Despite all evidence to the contrary, Ben Carson doesn't think that the pyramids were used as tombs. Yes, I know that they have found many tombs inside the pyramids, but Ben Carson thinks that they were probably used as grain storage. You know, because they were so big. And who built these wonders? Hebrew slaves? Well, kind of. But one Hebrew slave in particular was responsible, and his name was Joseph. He is most famous for having dickhead brothers, and especially for possessing a coat of many colors (it was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and grey and purple and white and pink and orange and blue), but according to Dr. Carson, he totes built the pyramids, which were totally used as grain storage. This man is a Republican presidential candidate. Take that shit in.
4)Goddamn it, it's Christmas again. All I want is to waltz in to Rite Aid to buy heavily discounted Halloween candy, and I can't because it's fucking Christmas already. What's that you say? Christmas isn't for almost 2 goddamn months? How was I to know? According to every store ever, Santa is on his way, even though it is 72 and sunny today. If it will stave off the relentless pressure to be cheerful, I'll even take another month of Pumpkin Spice Mania, even though it is a disgusting scourge upon humanity. But I'll take it! I'll take Mr. Autumn and Ms. Basic with their puffy vests and duckface and Ugg boots and PSLs. I'll take them happily, because apart from the clicking of their selfies, they don't really make noise or annoy others. But Mrs. Christmas (she's married to Mr. Self-Righteous) makes a lot of noise. She makes a lot of noise because her sweater vest has bells on it. She makes a lot of noise because she has to huff and puff if you are next to her in line. She especially makes a lot of noise when she beats another woman to death in a Wal-Mart over a present that is supposed to celebrate the birth of Christ (aka a Jewish hippie in sandals who preached love and nonviolence). Mr. Self-Righteous would like to remind you very loudly to keep Christ in CHRISTmas, and not use X-Mas, even though X-mas actually means Christmas because X is old world shorthand for Christ from back when Christians were ACTUALLY persecuted, but what do I know, I'm just a person with a brain and an internet connection. In short, they are the WORST. I hate them, and they are everywhere. They've been sniffing around since August, but now that Halloween has come and gone, they are out in full force, ruining my fucking life. Look, Christmas is a beautiful holiday. I love the sparkles and the carols and the free-flowing liquor, and if you're into Jesus, it has a really beautiful message of love and redemption. Plus I look fabulous in red lipstick. BUT MY GOD. Can't it wait? I have approximately 2 weeks of Christmas Patience, so by the time those 2 weeks are up, I still have 5 weeks of wanting to murder everyone I see with a smile on their face. And by the time it is ACTUALLY Christmas? Fucking forget it. I just want to nap and drink spiked egg nog until I wake up on New Year's Day. So guys, can we not this year? Can we keep up the turkey stuff for another month? Don't put it on clearance yet, because when you do... Santa moves in.
1) Let's talk about where we can and can not take a shit. Apparently it's a really big deal. Such a big deal that in Houston people turned out in droves to vote because they thought Proposition 1 would allow a man in drag to go in to a women's public restroom so that they could see ass and titties/molest children. For right now let's ignore the fact that the Houston Equal Rights Ordinance (HERO) actually doesn't directly address public restrooms, and we'll even ignore the fact that transgender is not another word for a pedophile. No, I want to talk about what the hell kind of porno public restrooms that those who oppose HERO are using. I'm a lady, and I've used public restrooms. In fact, I've used public restrooms in New York City (where the gays live and sin is king and people say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"), and I have seen neither ass nor titties in a public women's room. I've seen some pretty gross stuff (poo smears, cocaine residue, vomit chunks, bloody toilet seats), but no ass and titties. Not once in my 30-some years on this blue marble have I seen ladies just walking around topless. It's not the shower scene from Carrie, it's a bathroom. My dear friends, we use the bathroom to eliminate waste from our systems. Basta. Of course, a reminder to all the idiots out there who equate being LGBT with being a sexual predator... there is no correlation between the two. And in the 200 cities and 17 states that have a similar law on the books, there are 0 clear examples of people using the law to abuse an adult or child. There is no danger of that. Like, none. Of course, anyone who pays attention knows that there is danger for a transperson to use a bathroom that doesn't match their gender identity. At best, they'll get embarrassing stares or comments. The worst is much, much worse. About a quarter of transpeople (it goes up for transwomen, and goes up even higher for transwomen of color) have experienced hate-fueled violence and/or sexual violence. 1 in 12 will be murdered. (Stats via HRC) So for fuck's sake, Houston... get it together and show some basic human decency. This law is about housing and jobs and the right of every person to feel safe in their community. If you don't want to use the same hole in the ground for shitting as a person who is different from you, then hold your pee and stay home.
2) So the Republican presidential candidates have compiled a list of demands for their next debate. I guess it's not so much a list of demands as it is like, a tour rider. Like they're J Lo and they need their dressing room to be filled with white candles or something. Mostly, they don't want to answer any difficult questions. Also in the list of demands is that the room has be at 67 degrees or less. I'm assuming that this is Chris Christie's doing because he is essentially a sweatier version of Tony Soprano. There is also something about not focusing the camera on an empty podium when a candidate is on a bathroom break. I don't know the reason, but I'm willing to be that Rand Paul gets the nervous poops and doesn't want everyone to know. You know what, let's just say that's the reason. Put it all over the internet. Of course it's fucking Trump leading the pack on the "asking me questions is mean" issue. Of course. Because Trump is somehow inexplicably the leader of this mess. Like if this were Mean Girls, Trump would be Regina George, Ben Carson would be Karen, and Jeb Bush would definitely be Gretchen Wieners. (Stop trying to make "Jeb can fix it" happen, Gretchen.) Anyway. So Trump is Queen Bee of the Idiots, because he (and Carson, but more on that shit in a sec) have the most to lose when people ask them questions that require coherent answers. When you read at a third grade level, it's got to be pretty fucking hard to answer basic questions like "what is your economic policy?" and "how will you pay for a wall around the United States?" DUDES (and Carly). You want to be president. People are sometimes going to be mean to you. And by "be mean to you" I actually mean "ask you completely valid questions about your policies or lack thereof."
3) This is going to be a short rant, but I needed you guys to know about it. Remember when I called Ben Carson an idiot like, one paragraph up?? It could have been for any number of reasons, but here's why this week: Despite all evidence to the contrary, Ben Carson doesn't think that the pyramids were used as tombs. Yes, I know that they have found many tombs inside the pyramids, but Ben Carson thinks that they were probably used as grain storage. You know, because they were so big. And who built these wonders? Hebrew slaves? Well, kind of. But one Hebrew slave in particular was responsible, and his name was Joseph. He is most famous for having dickhead brothers, and especially for possessing a coat of many colors (it was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and grey and purple and white and pink and orange and blue), but according to Dr. Carson, he totes built the pyramids, which were totally used as grain storage. This man is a Republican presidential candidate. Take that shit in.
4)Goddamn it, it's Christmas again. All I want is to waltz in to Rite Aid to buy heavily discounted Halloween candy, and I can't because it's fucking Christmas already. What's that you say? Christmas isn't for almost 2 goddamn months? How was I to know? According to every store ever, Santa is on his way, even though it is 72 and sunny today. If it will stave off the relentless pressure to be cheerful, I'll even take another month of Pumpkin Spice Mania, even though it is a disgusting scourge upon humanity. But I'll take it! I'll take Mr. Autumn and Ms. Basic with their puffy vests and duckface and Ugg boots and PSLs. I'll take them happily, because apart from the clicking of their selfies, they don't really make noise or annoy others. But Mrs. Christmas (she's married to Mr. Self-Righteous) makes a lot of noise. She makes a lot of noise because her sweater vest has bells on it. She makes a lot of noise because she has to huff and puff if you are next to her in line. She especially makes a lot of noise when she beats another woman to death in a Wal-Mart over a present that is supposed to celebrate the birth of Christ (aka a Jewish hippie in sandals who preached love and nonviolence). Mr. Self-Righteous would like to remind you very loudly to keep Christ in CHRISTmas, and not use X-Mas, even though X-mas actually means Christmas because X is old world shorthand for Christ from back when Christians were ACTUALLY persecuted, but what do I know, I'm just a person with a brain and an internet connection. In short, they are the WORST. I hate them, and they are everywhere. They've been sniffing around since August, but now that Halloween has come and gone, they are out in full force, ruining my fucking life. Look, Christmas is a beautiful holiday. I love the sparkles and the carols and the free-flowing liquor, and if you're into Jesus, it has a really beautiful message of love and redemption. Plus I look fabulous in red lipstick. BUT MY GOD. Can't it wait? I have approximately 2 weeks of Christmas Patience, so by the time those 2 weeks are up, I still have 5 weeks of wanting to murder everyone I see with a smile on their face. And by the time it is ACTUALLY Christmas? Fucking forget it. I just want to nap and drink spiked egg nog until I wake up on New Year's Day. So guys, can we not this year? Can we keep up the turkey stuff for another month? Don't put it on clearance yet, because when you do... Santa moves in.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Controversial List: The Worst Halloween Candy
Without comment, I present to you the worst candy to get while Trick or Treating:
1) Plain M&Ms.
2) Necco Wafers.
3) Twizzlers/Red Vines.
4) Plain Hershey bar.
5) Red Hots
6) That candy that is just dots on a piece of paper. What the fuck.
7) Bubble Gum.
8) Mike & Ikes.
9) Generic circular lollypop like the ones you get from bank tellers.
10) Raisins. Fuck you.
1) Plain M&Ms.
2) Necco Wafers.
3) Twizzlers/Red Vines.
4) Plain Hershey bar.
5) Red Hots
6) That candy that is just dots on a piece of paper. What the fuck.
7) Bubble Gum.
8) Mike & Ikes.
9) Generic circular lollypop like the ones you get from bank tellers.
10) Raisins. Fuck you.
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