Sorry for the late posts, kiddos. I promise it's worth the wait. It's November, which means it's pitch black by 5PM. Let the seasonal depression begin!
1) Let's talk about where we can and can not take a shit. Apparently it's a really big deal. Such a big deal that in Houston people turned out in droves to vote because they thought Proposition 1 would allow a man in drag to go in to a women's public restroom so that they could see ass and titties/molest children. For right now let's ignore the fact that the Houston Equal Rights Ordinance (HERO) actually doesn't directly address public restrooms, and we'll even ignore the fact that transgender is not another word for a pedophile. No, I want to talk about what the hell kind of porno public restrooms that those who oppose HERO are using. I'm a lady, and I've used public restrooms. In fact, I've used public restrooms in New York City (where the gays live and sin is king and people say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"), and I have seen neither ass nor titties in a public women's room. I've seen some pretty gross stuff (poo smears, cocaine residue, vomit chunks, bloody toilet seats), but no ass and titties. Not once in my 30-some years on this blue marble have I seen ladies just walking around topless. It's not the shower scene from Carrie, it's a bathroom. My dear friends, we use the bathroom to eliminate waste from our systems. Basta. Of course, a reminder to all the idiots out there who equate being LGBT with being a sexual predator... there is no correlation between the two. And in the 200 cities and 17 states that have a similar law on the books, there are 0 clear examples of people using the law to abuse an adult or child. There is no danger of that. Like, none. Of course, anyone who pays attention knows that there is danger for a transperson to use a bathroom that doesn't match their gender identity. At best, they'll get embarrassing stares or comments. The worst is much, much worse. About a quarter of transpeople (it goes up for transwomen, and goes up even higher for transwomen of color) have experienced hate-fueled violence and/or sexual violence. 1 in 12 will be murdered. (Stats via HRC) So for fuck's sake, Houston... get it together and show some basic human decency. This law is about housing and jobs and the right of every person to feel safe in their community. If you don't want to use the same hole in the ground for shitting as a person who is different from you, then hold your pee and stay home.
2) So the Republican presidential candidates have compiled a list of demands for their next debate. I guess it's not so much a list of demands as it is like, a tour rider. Like they're J Lo and they need their dressing room to be filled with white candles or something. Mostly, they don't want to answer any difficult questions. Also in the list of demands is that the room has be at 67 degrees or less. I'm assuming that this is Chris Christie's doing because he is essentially a sweatier version of Tony Soprano. There is also something about not focusing the camera on an empty podium when a candidate is on a bathroom break. I don't know the reason, but I'm willing to be that Rand Paul gets the nervous poops and doesn't want everyone to know. You know what, let's just say that's the reason. Put it all over the internet. Of course it's fucking Trump leading the pack on the "asking me questions is mean" issue. Of course. Because Trump is somehow inexplicably the leader of this mess. Like if this were Mean Girls, Trump would be Regina George, Ben Carson would be Karen, and Jeb Bush would definitely be Gretchen Wieners. (Stop trying to make "Jeb can fix it" happen, Gretchen.) Anyway. So Trump is Queen Bee of the Idiots, because he (and Carson, but more on that shit in a sec) have the most to lose when people ask them questions that require coherent answers. When you read at a third grade level, it's got to be pretty fucking hard to answer basic questions like "what is your economic policy?" and "how will you pay for a wall around the United States?" DUDES (and Carly). You want to be president. People are sometimes going to be mean to you. And by "be mean to you" I actually mean "ask you completely valid questions about your policies or lack thereof."
3) This is going to be a short rant, but I needed you guys to know about it. Remember when I called Ben Carson an idiot like, one paragraph up?? It could have been for any number of reasons, but here's why this week: Despite all evidence to the contrary, Ben Carson doesn't think that the pyramids were used as tombs. Yes, I know that they have found many tombs inside the pyramids, but Ben Carson thinks that they were probably used as grain storage. You know, because they were so big. And who built these wonders? Hebrew slaves? Well, kind of. But one Hebrew slave in particular was responsible, and his name was Joseph. He is most famous for having dickhead brothers, and especially for possessing a coat of many colors (it was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and grey and purple and white and pink and orange and blue), but according to Dr. Carson, he totes built the pyramids, which were totally used as grain storage. This man is a Republican presidential candidate. Take that shit in.
4)Goddamn it, it's Christmas again. All I want is to waltz in to Rite Aid to buy heavily discounted Halloween candy, and I can't because it's fucking Christmas already. What's that you say? Christmas isn't for almost 2 goddamn months? How was I to know? According to every store ever, Santa is on his way, even though it is 72 and sunny today. If it will stave off the relentless pressure to be cheerful, I'll even take another month of Pumpkin Spice Mania, even though it is a disgusting scourge upon humanity. But I'll take it! I'll take Mr. Autumn and Ms. Basic with their puffy vests and duckface and Ugg boots and PSLs. I'll take them happily, because apart from the clicking of their selfies, they don't really make noise or annoy others. But Mrs. Christmas (she's married to Mr. Self-Righteous) makes a lot of noise. She makes a lot of noise because her sweater vest has bells on it. She makes a lot of noise because she has to huff and puff if you are next to her in line. She especially makes a lot of noise when she beats another woman to death in a Wal-Mart over a present that is supposed to celebrate the birth of Christ (aka a Jewish hippie in sandals who preached love and nonviolence). Mr. Self-Righteous would like to remind you very loudly to keep Christ in CHRISTmas, and not use X-Mas, even though X-mas actually means Christmas because X is old world shorthand for Christ from back when Christians were ACTUALLY persecuted, but what do I know, I'm just a person with a brain and an internet connection. In short, they are the WORST. I hate them, and they are everywhere. They've been sniffing around since August, but now that Halloween has come and gone, they are out in full force, ruining my fucking life. Look, Christmas is a beautiful holiday. I love the sparkles and the carols and the free-flowing liquor, and if you're into Jesus, it has a really beautiful message of love and redemption. Plus I look fabulous in red lipstick. BUT MY GOD. Can't it wait? I have approximately 2 weeks of Christmas Patience, so by the time those 2 weeks are up, I still have 5 weeks of wanting to murder everyone I see with a smile on their face. And by the time it is ACTUALLY Christmas? Fucking forget it. I just want to nap and drink spiked egg nog until I wake up on New Year's Day. So guys, can we not this year? Can we keep up the turkey stuff for another month? Don't put it on clearance yet, because when you do... Santa moves in.
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