Hello, friends and neighbors! What are you grateful for on this fine Thanksgiving Day? Today I'm grateful for truth-telling, because besides getting a day off of work, an excuse to overeat, and day-drinking, Thanksgiving is the worst, and here's why.
1) The Puritans were total assholes. I mean, yes they were totally persecuted in Britain and that sucks, but to be fair, they were planning to overthrow the government (and did in 1649). They wanted to "purify" anyone who disagreed with them, and the New England Puritans "purified" people with lies, trickery, and genocide, because #WHITEPEOPLE. In the fucking sermon he gave ON THANKSGIVING in front of the Wampanoag, Mather the Elder thanked God for destroying"chiefly young men and children, the very seeds of increase, thus clearing the forests to make way for a better growth," which essentially means "thanks for making sure all the brown people died of the smallpox we brought!" Dick move, Mather. Plus even though the Puritans invited the Wampanoag over for dinner, the Wampanoag still brought most of the food. Rude. You know what else is rude? Killing off pretty much the entire tribe a few years later. Oh, and they also encouraged the American slave trade, selling indigenous people as slaves to the southern colonies. High five, dickholes.
2) Turkey is a garbage bird. I eat turkey once a year (dark meat only, obviously), and I will only eat it if someone else makes it and I have to do nothing. It's the worst. It takes FOREVER to cook, and you have to brine it or deep fry it to make it even remotely palatable, and even then 60% of the time it is still somehow a disaster that leaves everyone in tears, which you will need to lubricate your dry-as-fuck turkey. And after that you have turkey FOREVER. Forever and ever and ever. Turkey sandwich. Turkey taco. Turkey chili. Turkey casserole. Turkey frittata. Turkey whatever-the-hell. NO. I do not want to eat you for more than one meal, turkey! No. NO NO NO. A brief list of birds I'd rather eat: duck, chicken, cornish game hen, sparrow, goose, bald eagle, steak.
3) Black Friday, the most embarrassing day of the year for America. More embarrassing than the entire presidency of George W. Bush. More embarrassing than that"Proud to be An American" song. More embarrassing our pitiful healthcare system. People DIE, you guys. People get up at 2AM and go to Wal-Mart and wait outside in the frigid November weather, and then when the store opens at 4AM they stampede to the back of the store for the discounted electronics, but instead of coming home with a new TV, they DIE because another bunch of assholes trampled all over them. THIS IS A THING THAT HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE GODDAMNED YEAR. Look, I love stuff. I love my stuff so much. I love sales, too! Stuff on sale? Fuck yeah! However. How-fucking-ever, you could not pay me enough to leave my house on Black Friday. I'm not trying to die over a cashmere sweater, and neither should you.
4) With Black Friday comes The Christmas Season®. Fuck. I can't complain about it being too early anymore, guys. I have no excuse now. It's coming. It's coming to steal whatever remaining will to live you have left after your Racist Aunt Gladys goes home. It's coming to pollute your ears with "The Christmas Shoes" and any version of "Santa Baby" that isn't sung by Eartha Kitt. It's coming to take your hard-earned money because Jesus wants - nay, DEMANDS - presents (just kidding, this has nothing to do with Jesus). Christmas is a dual headed demon with sleighbells for eyes, and it is coming. Do you smell the sulfur? Can you feel the despair? Your heart is tightening, and an ulcer beings to form. An internal scream begins. Softly at first, then louder and louder, until it drowns out the whining of children and complaining about saying "happy holidays." Soon that scream will be deafening and relentless, driving you to madness and despair. It's coming. It will arrive tomorrow and begin its 30-day path of destruction. But don't worry, there will be cookies.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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