1) I think I would be remiss if I didn't start with Redcupgate. Clearly this is the stupidest thing ever to happen, and I actually have seen zero people in the real, non-internet world supporting this nonsense, so hooray for everyone I know. In fact, this nonsense has so many people talking about how these Christians are misguided and wrong, and how their religion has no place for this stupidity, and I love it. I've not seen this sort of Rational Christian vs. Borderline Insane Christian realness in a long time. Maybe ever? People are running to call these morons on their bullshit (as they should, because OMG), but it is leaving me a little pissy that this doesn't happen more often. Especially that it doesn't happen more often with stuff that actually matters. Because Redcupgate, while irritating, doesn't matter. It's a paper coffee cup, and Starbucks will continue to be rich as fuck and serve overpriced, burnt-to-shit coffee and people will continue to drink it and everyone wins. What I am wondering about is why people aren't more vocal when it's something like gay marriage or birth control access or climate change or reproductive rights or income inequality or whatever. I mean, I certainly know a lot of Christians who support all of those things. I know a lot of Christians who think fundies are bonkers, but I don't see them often posting a ton of memes about how their intolerance is not very Christlike. Maybe someone can explain it to me? Is it like, showing professional courtesy to your fellow Christian? Because if so, where is the reluctance to criticize Redcupgate? For instance, last week Bobby Jindal and Mike Huckabee shared a stage with Pastor Kevin Swanson. Who is he, you ask? Well he is a Colorado pastor/nutcase who thinks that gays should be executed. Really. REALLY. He has said it many times. Rational Christians, where are my memes about how these people are idiots? It's got to be embarrassing to have the most vocal representatives of your religion (whether you like it or not) be Evangelical fundamentalist types. Real talk: if you don't believe in climate change or you think being gay is a choice, you're a fucking idiot, and it doesn't matter how you were raised or what an old book that is mostly analogies says about it, because there are plenty of people with the same background out there smart enough to think critically. If you believe that AND you want to legislate against it, you are being an asshole. And kind, intelligent, rational, reasonable Christians, you get lumped in with that mess! I certainly don't think of you when someone talks about the religious in this country. I think of some sweaty crazyface pastor with shiny teeth who thinks that gays should be stoned to death. I want to think of you guys. I do. I really, really, really, really do. So I'm pleading with you to start denouncing this nonsense. Shame them. I'm an agnostic with a chip on my shoulder. I can't shame people who think I'm going to burn in hell. But you can. Loving essays by kind pastors just aren't enough, because these people clearly lack critical reading skills. Start yelling, because they are WAY LOUDER THAN YOU ARE. So loud that I can't hear you! Even Jesus lost his temper when he called out hypocrisy, so I think he'll forgive you.
2) Republican debate number 14 zillion billion was on Tuesday night and I tot-ZZZZZZZ. Seriously, who even cares at this point? They've cut several people from the big kids table, and there are still too many damned people up there to actually debate. There was a Jeopardy buzzer this time, so that was.... new. All the dudes wore black suits with red ties except for Carson, who showed up in a light blue striped number, and then Cruz was like "on debate days we wear red" so maybe that's why Carson hardly said anything. Or maybe he was busy perfecting his already impeccable Droopy Dog impression. I don't know. But it was really everyone jerking off about getting all BDSM with Dodd-Frank. (If you're not a dork like me and are all WTF are you talking about, Dodd-Frank essentially created tougher rules for the mega-banks responsible for the financial fuckery, especially regarding risky trading, and protects consumers against predations like subprime lending. Anyway.) They are gonna cut it SO HARD. And Dodd-Frank is gonna like it, because it's a dirty little bitch. According to Fiorina, Dodd-Frank is "how Socialism starts," which is an excellent point if you are someone who doesn't know what Socialism is and if you are trying to distract everyone from the fact that you are one of the worst CEOs of all time and have never held public office. Jeb! also attacked it, even though he presided over a state with one of the largest housing bubbles because watching Florida foreclose was hilarious. You see, big banks are really just small businesses, and these poor little mom and pop banks just can't handle it. Take Bank of America, for instance. I bet you thought that they were a big corporation, but it's actually run by Dan and Dottie Tanner out of the back of their house in Beeville, GA. And poor Dan and Dottie can't keep up with all these regulations! Not with the crops going bad and Dottie's bad hip. Won't you have pity on mega-banks! Bank regulation is killing the American farmer! Just kidding, B of A and all the others are run by rich assholes in suits. Fooled you.
3) Hey Donald Trump! HEY! Fuck you! There are a million reasons to hate you: you're racist, your misogynist, you scream, you lie, you make stupid faces... but I am flipping you the middle finger this morning because you said Hilary Clinton was wearing a wig. You. Said Hilary Clinton. Was wearing. A. Wig. YOU. Donald Trump. I mean, it was, Matt Drudge, who originally said it, and you jumped on the bandwagon and embraced it, so it isn't even ORIGINAL. Look, I was going to talk about how ridiculous it is to attack a candidate's appearance because sexism/irrelevance/assholery and blah blah blah, but instead, I'm going to make fun of your appearance, because I'm a hypocrite, JUST LIKE YOU. OK, here we go. Dude, are you fucking for real? You're going to call someone out on their appearance? YOU?!? Have you fucking SEEN yourself? You look like a pile of cow feces with hay on top. Your perma-frown makes Grumpy Cat look like one of the Osmonds. Your skin is reminiscent of a cowboy's used saddlebag. I could use your under-eye bags as a pillow, you're so fucking puffy and bloated. You look like an old tooth with a merkin on top. Your nasty-ass lips look like a corpse's withered pussy and I'm guessing your breath smells even worse. In short, you're an ugly old bastard with an even uglier mind. You're a factory-reject dildo with no ideas, no experience, no compassion, and no critical thinking skills. Also your hair looks fucking stupid. Feels shitty, doesn't it? Maybe stop talking about Clinton's (and Fiorina's) appearance, and focus on trying to speak above a 4th grade reading level, you idiot. Again I say, and not for the last time, fuck you.
4) Yesterday was Veteran's Day. Here is a shoutout to any vets reading: Thank you for serving. Thank you for doing what I am certainly not capable of doing. Thank you. Also, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that you were put in harm's way, and I'm doubly sorry for the ways that we fail to care for you when you return home. At best, I'm sorry for the trauma you suffered and triumphed over. At worst, I'm sorry for the PTSD, the sexual assault, the poverty, the high unemployment, the mental illness, the homelessness, the substance abuse, and so much more that is a result of the danger that you face every day. I'm sorry for the 22 of you who commit suicide every day because we failed to help you. You wait months for Veteran's Affairs to help you, and suffer empty promises of better care. We fail you every day, and still you serve with pride. Thank you. And for the rest of us, please write your representative or sign a petition or give to a charity or at the very least talk about how fucked this is. Our veterans deserve better.
Until next week, kiddos.
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