Dear Ann Coulter,

Oh, Ann. Silly billy Ann. We're going to need to talk about this.

Bless your hateful little heart. You know, we actually don't really disagree on what you're calling out in this tweet. I too find it pretty repulsive that conservatives wring their hands about Israel in an attempt to garner Jewish votes, especially because they are usually declaring the United States a "Christian nation" in the same breath. It's silly pandering, it's disingenuous, and it doesn't even work. But even though we miraculously are sort of (kind of) simpatico on this one little thing, I'm not going to come to your defense.

And do you know why, Ann? Do you know why?

To tell you why I'm going to use a word that I normally don't, because I know it is misogynistic and offensive to a lot of people. But since you delight in offending others and despise feminism, I'm going to go ahead and use it for you.

*deep breath*

It's because you are a grade-A cunt, Ann. You. Are. A. Cunt. It's the best word for someone like you.

*exhales*

Ann, you're just the worst sort of person. You're the kind of woman who calls 9/11 widows freeloaders just so someone will pay attention to you. It is essentially the same as being a Kardashian. You don't care where the attention comes from, and you don't even care that the only attention you receive is negative. You just care that it exists, and you will say anything (literally... anything) to get it. And girl, that is sad as FUCK! You're so sad! So sad and lonely that you go on Twitter and spit vitriol to every group in America, hoping that someone will eventually be mad enough to pay attention. And it worked, honey. I'm writing a blog post right now just for you, and I'm sure you're having fun rolling around in your pile of money... alone.

But that is what happens when you're a cunt, Ann. You end up sad and alone and full of your own poison.

So as one lady to another, I'm going to give you a bunch of unsolicited advice. And I know you won't mind Ann, because cunts give unsolicited advice all the time. My advice is to shut up. Like, forever. Surely you have enough bigot money right now to live comfortably for the rest of your life, so there is no need to call people faggots and retards anymore. There is no need to shove your idiot face into any more Fox News segments. We get it. You hate everyone and you're so totally edgy and totally blond and you're a conservative Gen-Xer's wet dream. But that's probably enough, right? Aren't you tired? Aren't you hungry from keeping your Crypt Keeper figure all these years? Don't you want to cut your hair into a bob and wear a pair of sweatpants and read a Dan Brown novel? I think you do, Ann. So please shut the fuck up. I'm tired of listening to you. We are all tired of listening to you. I bet even you are tired of listening to you. So shut up.

Seriously.

Stop saying words.

Enjoy The Da Vinci Code.

Hate,
Katy

Dear Kim Davis,

Ugh. I am so freaking TIRED of looking at your face and I'm even more tired of watching you cry on camera like you're receiving paternity test results on Maury. 

Speaking of that. 

I'm sure I don't need to point out what a terrible hypocrite you are, and I kind of wish I didn't have to. But you've had more husbands than I've had cats, and that is a lot of husbands... to say nothing of your bastards (I'm pretending I'm on Game of Thrones). And you know what? I don't even judge you for that, because A) I love Elizabeth Taylor and B) YOLO. But girl. GIRL. You are forcing me to point out that while I don't judge you for that, Jesus definitely does, you adulterous whore of Babylon (his words, not mine). You are forcing my feminist ass to slut shame you, so please shut up and go away.

And girl, get a hold of your lawyers. I know they are doing this for free, and that what they say is getting you huge piles of bigot money, but they need to quit it:
"Back in the 1930s, it began with the Jews, where they were evicted from public employment, then boycotted in their private employment, then stigmatized and that led to the gas chambers... This is the new persecution of Christians here in this country.”
You know what isn't anything like the treatment of a Jew in Nazi Germany? EVERYTHING. Seriously. Nothing else is like that. I'm pretty sure they fed and clothed you for your few days in jail and that when you took a shower it was water that came out of the faucet, not toxic gas. You disobeyed the constitution and disobeyed a judge's order. That's why you went to jail, where you got a free 5 day PAID vacation. So no, you aren't a Jew in Nazi Germany. You're a fundamentalist Christian in Kentucky, which means you are getting a fucking hero's welcome everywhere you go.

Also... do something about your hair. Jesus, you look like Chewbacca had sex with one of the Duggars.

Hate,
Ms. Rantsypants

Dear Nicole Arbour,

Hey girl, cool video. Just kidding, you're the absolute fucking worst.

You know what, it isn't even your fat shaming that makes you the worst. It isn't your mildly racist jokes, and it isn't your off-brand Jenna Marbles impression. It isn't your pink hair streaks or your fake nails or even your Canadian accent. You know why you're the worst? You're not funny. You're not remotely funny, girl. Because if you were funny, no one would be offended by your video. Why is South Park a great success? Because it's FUNNY. Why doesn't It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia make me run screaming from the room to write an angry letter? Because it makes me laugh. That's the difference between offensive and hilarious. The ONLY difference. 

Make a joke about 9/11 on 9/12, and if it is funny, people won't hate you. Stand in front of a cement wall and talk about how fat people smell like sausage, and everyone will hate you. If an abortion joke is funny enough, even the most staunch pro-lifer will have a chuckle... but if you pout your lips and roll your eyes and tell fat people to go to the gym because ew they are like, totally so disgusting, you're not being funny. That isn't a joke, girl. That's just you being a bitch. A tragically unfunny bitch.

So please shut up, please stop trying to make comedy happen, and go back to whatever the Canadian equivalent of Hooters is. 

Hate, 
Ms. Rantsypants