What's up, fellow haters? For your Thursday pleasure, here's what I am pissed about today:
1) I'm sorry, but I can't not talk about Kim Davis' bonkers release press conference. Did you see this shit? First of all, Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz are headlining, so you know it's going to be crazytown. The crowd is holding up a bunch of white crosses so it looks like a KKK rally from the 30's, and bitch runs (waddles) out to "Eye of the Tiger" like she's Rocky Balboa, hands aloft and ugly-cry face on point. Girl. GIRL. You didn't win anything. Teh gayz are still getting married in your county, and you still have the hair of a meth addicted Rapunzel. You don't win. YOU LOSE.
2) RIP, National Geographic. You had a good run. Showing people the world, opening our eyes to other cultures, to environmental issues and new species. But Rupert Murdoch bought you, Nat Geo, so shit is about to get real. Quick, new article/TV show ideas for Fox News Geographic! Ok...GO: Fracking is Your Friend, Brown People: A Story of White Persecution, The Civil War Was Definitely About State's Rights, Jesus and his Government, It's Totally Better That The Earth is Getting Unbearably Hot, How to Survive Under A Muslim President, and of course, the annual holiday spectacular, The War On Christmas.
3) The Judiciary Committee is holding hearings about Planned Parenthood. But don't worry, it's totally fair! The hearings are entitled "Planned Parenthood Exposed: Examining the Horrific Abortion Practices at the Nation's Largest Abortion Provider." The original title was "Planned Parenthood Exposed: Examining Lesbian Feminist Baby Feasts at the Nation's Largest Killer of Precious Innocents," so I suppose the existing title is less biased. And guess who wasn't invited to their own hearing? Anyone from Planned Parenthood! And why was the hearing held? Because of a bunch of videos showing 100% legal practices that were manipulated by an organization currently under investigation for conspiracy to defraud and numerous IRS violations. See, it's totally fair! It's totally what we should be spending our tax dollars on! Let's defund the nation's largest women's healthcare provider, even though only 3% of their services are abortion related and a federal law prevents any tax dollars from being used on those services. Fuck them, and fuck you too, women of America! Hope you enjoyed the brief respite from cervical cancer or affordable access to birth control! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Free unwanted fetuses for everyone! YOU get a fetus! And YOU get a fetus! Even if you're 12 or seriously ill or financially incapable or a rape victim! Everyone gets an unwanted fetuuuuuuuus!!!!! *cries*
4) Can we talk about how the 90's are back right now? The other day I saw a human woman wearing a pair of cropped, flare leg overalls with a pair of platform shoes. THIS IS A THING THAT SHE BOUGHT IN A STORE. She walked in a store and said "Yes, this looks fabulous. Here is my credit card." You stop it right now, fashion. Stop it. She's not the only one. Crop tops under an open flannel shirt are a thing. I see like, 10 of them a day. You stop it. You are not Courtney Love circa 1994. I was in K-Mart buying myself candy and they are selling ribbed mock turtlenecks. STOP IT. Why can't everyone just agree that a perfect black t-shirt, great fitting jeans, and killer boots are the best thing that you can possibly wear in this world? It's the TRUTH, and those three things are the three most impossible things to find, yet I can't turn around without smashing into a pair of crocheted bellbottoms or a floral babydoll dress. WHAT IS LIFE? Stop it.
I think that's it. For now.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Dear Nicole Arbour,
Hey girl, cool video. Just kidding, you're the absolute fucking worst.
You know what, it isn't even your fat shaming that makes you the worst. It isn't your mildly racist jokes, and it isn't your off-brand Jenna Marbles impression. It isn't your pink hair streaks or your fake nails or even your Canadian accent. You know why you're the worst? You're not funny. You're not remotely funny, girl. Because if you were funny, no one would be offended by your video. Why is South Park a great success? Because it's FUNNY. Why doesn't It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia make me run screaming from the room to write an angry letter? Because it makes me laugh. That's the difference between offensive and hilarious. The ONLY difference.
Make a joke about 9/11 on 9/12, and if it is funny, people won't hate you. Stand in front of a cement wall and talk about how fat people smell like sausage, and everyone will hate you. If an abortion joke is funny enough, even the most staunch pro-lifer will have a chuckle... but if you pout your lips and roll your eyes and tell fat people to go to the gym because ew they are like, totally so disgusting, you're not being funny. That isn't a joke, girl. That's just you being a bitch. A tragically unfunny bitch.
So please shut up, please stop trying to make comedy happen, and go back to whatever the Canadian equivalent of Hooters is.
Hate,
Ms. Rantsypants
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Thursday Rant 9/3/15 + The Inaugural Blog
Hey guys! You came here because we're friends on Facebook and maybe kind of real life, or some weirdo who likes ranting and raving shared the link. Either way... Hey guys! Luckily there is no shortage of jerkwads and their jerkwad friends in this world, so I'll have lots to talk about. I don't know what else I'll do with this space, but hopefully you'll dig it.
Also, all props for how cool this looks (including cartoon ME!) go to my dear friend Erin, who runs the awesome Insannequins. Check her stuff out; she's one of the few people in this world I don't want to punch in the face.
Here's today's rant... now a blog post!
I had a hard time sleeping last night so I'm extra grumpy! Here's what I'm judging this week.
1) Hey, Kim Davis! Hey girl! How's your 15 minutes of fame going? We can all see your plan as plain as the Sally Jesse Raphael glasses on your face. It was originally about how you think that teh gayz are icky... but now it is about money. All the money you can get from your inevitable Tour of Persecution®. All the denim jumpers and cans of Aqua Net and DVDs of Sister Wives you can buy before another heroic martyr decides that they're going to bring an assault rifle to a daycare to protect the children from homos because gun rights are part of Jesus' plan or whatever. So enjoy that pile of money. Get it in ones so you can spread it on your bed and roll around on it with it your fourth husband. And then disappear forever. Because you are the worst, and I hate you. And you know who else hates you? Everyone.
2) Speaking of a person everyone hates, let's talk about Elizabeth Hasselbeck. This week she said that Black Lives Matter is a "hate group," and now it is like... a THING. Like somehow something this bitch said is being picked up and taken as a truth that is universally known. Who even is this person? Like, she's not a journalist... she's some football player's wife and was on Survivor 15 years ago? Bitch, I can name a bunch of hate groups for you if you are having trouble understanding what they are. In fact, I can name a bunch of hate groups who have actually committed heinous acts of violence against the group you are now calling a hate group. But back to my original question.... WHO EVEN IS SHE? Why are we listening to this fembot's opinion about ANYTHING? (Of course, why are you listening to my opinion about anything... but ignore that and hate her instead.)
3)Apparently Kanye West is going to run for president in 2020. I can't freaking wait. All I can hope is the Saint Donald of the Racist Combovers will be running as well, because I want to see that debate. I want to see it so much. It's going to be like that time he said "George Bush doesn't care about black people" and Mike Meyers looked like he was about to die of embarrassment and awkwardness except it will be like, 2 hours long and involve 100% more red-faced screaming. I can't wait. Let the 5 year countdown begin!
4) A big thank you to the Center for Medical Progress for lying and manipulating your videos enough so that 4 of the 6 Planned Parenthoods who donated fetal tissue to research are no longer doing so due to threats and controversy. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart, and from the hearts of those suffering from birth defects, Parkinson's Disease, spinal cord injuries, and HIV/AIDS (to name a few). And a hearty thanks from all of us who believe in vaccinations and science and a women's right to make her own damn decisions. And by "thanks" I mean "fuck you."
So there it is... I have a blog now.
Also, all props for how cool this looks (including cartoon ME!) go to my dear friend Erin, who runs the awesome Insannequins. Check her stuff out; she's one of the few people in this world I don't want to punch in the face.
Here's today's rant... now a blog post!
I had a hard time sleeping last night so I'm extra grumpy! Here's what I'm judging this week.
1) Hey, Kim Davis! Hey girl! How's your 15 minutes of fame going? We can all see your plan as plain as the Sally Jesse Raphael glasses on your face. It was originally about how you think that teh gayz are icky... but now it is about money. All the money you can get from your inevitable Tour of Persecution®. All the denim jumpers and cans of Aqua Net and DVDs of Sister Wives you can buy before another heroic martyr decides that they're going to bring an assault rifle to a daycare to protect the children from homos because gun rights are part of Jesus' plan or whatever. So enjoy that pile of money. Get it in ones so you can spread it on your bed and roll around on it with it your fourth husband. And then disappear forever. Because you are the worst, and I hate you. And you know who else hates you? Everyone.
2) Speaking of a person everyone hates, let's talk about Elizabeth Hasselbeck. This week she said that Black Lives Matter is a "hate group," and now it is like... a THING. Like somehow something this bitch said is being picked up and taken as a truth that is universally known. Who even is this person? Like, she's not a journalist... she's some football player's wife and was on Survivor 15 years ago? Bitch, I can name a bunch of hate groups for you if you are having trouble understanding what they are. In fact, I can name a bunch of hate groups who have actually committed heinous acts of violence against the group you are now calling a hate group. But back to my original question.... WHO EVEN IS SHE? Why are we listening to this fembot's opinion about ANYTHING? (Of course, why are you listening to my opinion about anything... but ignore that and hate her instead.)
3)Apparently Kanye West is going to run for president in 2020. I can't freaking wait. All I can hope is the Saint Donald of the Racist Combovers will be running as well, because I want to see that debate. I want to see it so much. It's going to be like that time he said "George Bush doesn't care about black people" and Mike Meyers looked like he was about to die of embarrassment and awkwardness except it will be like, 2 hours long and involve 100% more red-faced screaming. I can't wait. Let the 5 year countdown begin!
4) A big thank you to the Center for Medical Progress for lying and manipulating your videos enough so that 4 of the 6 Planned Parenthoods who donated fetal tissue to research are no longer doing so due to threats and controversy. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart, and from the hearts of those suffering from birth defects, Parkinson's Disease, spinal cord injuries, and HIV/AIDS (to name a few). And a hearty thanks from all of us who believe in vaccinations and science and a women's right to make her own damn decisions. And by "thanks" I mean "fuck you."
So there it is... I have a blog now.
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