What's up, fellow haters? For your Thursday pleasure, here's what I am pissed about today:
1) I'm sorry, but I can't not talk about Kim Davis' bonkers release press conference. Did you see this shit? First of all, Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz are headlining, so you know it's going to be crazytown. The crowd is holding up a bunch of white crosses so it looks like a KKK rally from the 30's, and bitch runs (waddles) out to "Eye of the Tiger" like she's Rocky Balboa, hands aloft and ugly-cry face on point. Girl. GIRL. You didn't win anything. Teh gayz are still getting married in your county, and you still have the hair of a meth addicted Rapunzel. You don't win. YOU LOSE.
2) RIP, National Geographic. You had a good run. Showing people the world, opening our eyes to other cultures, to environmental issues and new species. But Rupert Murdoch bought you, Nat Geo, so shit is about to get real. Quick, new article/TV show ideas for Fox News Geographic! Ok...GO: Fracking is Your Friend, Brown People: A Story of White Persecution, The Civil War Was Definitely About State's Rights, Jesus and his Government, It's Totally Better That The Earth is Getting Unbearably Hot, How to Survive Under A Muslim President, and of course, the annual holiday spectacular, The War On Christmas.
3) The Judiciary Committee is holding hearings about Planned Parenthood. But don't worry, it's totally fair! The hearings are entitled "Planned Parenthood Exposed: Examining the Horrific Abortion Practices at the Nation's Largest Abortion Provider." The original title was "Planned Parenthood Exposed: Examining Lesbian Feminist Baby Feasts at the Nation's Largest Killer of Precious Innocents," so I suppose the existing title is less biased. And guess who wasn't invited to their own hearing? Anyone from Planned Parenthood! And why was the hearing held? Because of a bunch of videos showing 100% legal practices that were manipulated by an organization currently under investigation for conspiracy to defraud and numerous IRS violations. See, it's totally fair! It's totally what we should be spending our tax dollars on! Let's defund the nation's largest women's healthcare provider, even though only 3% of their services are abortion related and a federal law prevents any tax dollars from being used on those services. Fuck them, and fuck you too, women of America! Hope you enjoyed the brief respite from cervical cancer or affordable access to birth control! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Free unwanted fetuses for everyone! YOU get a fetus! And YOU get a fetus! Even if you're 12 or seriously ill or financially incapable or a rape victim! Everyone gets an unwanted fetuuuuuuuus!!!!! *cries*
4) Can we talk about how the 90's are back right now? The other day I saw a human woman wearing a pair of cropped, flare leg overalls with a pair of platform shoes. THIS IS A THING THAT SHE BOUGHT IN A STORE. She walked in a store and said "Yes, this looks fabulous. Here is my credit card." You stop it right now, fashion. Stop it. She's not the only one. Crop tops under an open flannel shirt are a thing. I see like, 10 of them a day. You stop it. You are not Courtney Love circa 1994. I was in K-Mart buying myself candy and they are selling ribbed mock turtlenecks. STOP IT. Why can't everyone just agree that a perfect black t-shirt, great fitting jeans, and killer boots are the best thing that you can possibly wear in this world? It's the TRUTH, and those three things are the three most impossible things to find, yet I can't turn around without smashing into a pair of crocheted bellbottoms or a floral babydoll dress. WHAT IS LIFE? Stop it.
I think that's it. For now.
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