1) Clearly I'm going to start with the House voting to defund Planned Parenthood. I would apologize for writing about this every single week, but it isn't my fault that the world is full of idiots. I can barely even rant, I'm so exhausted by their stupidity. I'm ready to weep with frustration. Once again, Planned Parenthood doesn't murder babies and sell their brains to the Taliban or whatever the fuck you are accusing them of. It has been proven that those videos are deceptive. OMG THEY ARE SO FAKE, YOU GUYS. For fuck's sake, Fox News even said they were deceptive. FOX NEWS. And the use of fetal tissue for research was originally backed by a whole bunch of these Republican fools, so why are they mad that PP is doing something that THEY voted PP be able to do?!?! And you guys, you can't use federal funding for abortion. I repeat: you can't use federal funding for abortion. It's illegal, and PP is not doing that. Republican voters, (whoever you are... I know like, 3 of you), how can you not see what they are doing? Can you not see that they are using a controversial issue like abortion (or immigration, or marriage equality) to get you to ignore the fact that after they are elected they will vote against your best interest? How do you not see this? How? 650,000 (estimated) women will lose complete access to reproductive healthcare, and these clowns are more than willing to see that as collateral damage so they can get what they want. That's 650,000 women who will go without family planning services, breast exams, pelvic exams, STD testing, cancer screenings, AIDS testing, adoption referrals, general family practice, and (yes) abortions. And look, I know they will not defund PP. It will never pass the Senate and President Obama will not stand for it. But women (and men, and EVERYONE), take a look at how many of you they are willing to fuck over to get elected. Take a long look at that, and get angry. I sure am.
2) *Sigh* Martin Shkreli. This scumbag makes me violent. Price gouging AIDS and cancer patients who already pay thousands monthly for their medication? 5,000 damned percent?!? Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. Withthisshit? (I know he lowered the price after his public shaming, but Daraprim will still go up in price substantially, so continue to point your middle fingers at this assclown.) This manchild seriously tweeted Eminem lyrics in his own defense. EMINEM LYRICS. Is it 2006? You are an (alleged) adult who is running a corporation and you are using Marshall Mathers' lyrics as a defense? Jesus. I (and the rest of America) want to punch him right in his arrogant little rat face. But perhaps singling out this toolbox for his greed isn't entirely fair. Not that Shkreli doesn't deserve a swift kick to the taint, but it isn't as if this kind of shit isn't totally commonplace. Because pharmaceutical companies pay each other to not make affordable generics so they can keep rolling in sweet, sweet cancer patient dough. THAT IS A THING THAT IS TOTALLY LEGAL BECAUSE CAPITALISM. I looked it up, and keeping drugs expensive apparently costs us about $3 billion dollars a year. I'm so glad they're spending money on keeping money for themselves instead of spending money on more research or financial aid or LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE. America: where we value a vague set of capitalist principals over the welfare of our own people. Privatize everything! America is number one! But also fuck this guy and his polo shirts and $300 haircut that still looks like he got it done at Great Clips.
3) OK, so I just found something out this week. Apparently being politically correct is a bad thing! I know, it doesn't make sense to me either. Let me break it down for you. So like... being respectful of other people is not what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to just fire off all of your racist/bigoted/misogynistic thoughts like you're Drunk Uncle Randy at Thanksgiving, and we are supposed to like it, because offending people is awesome now. I found that out from a sentient piece of cornsilk named Donald Trump and an actual doctor who has done brain surgery named Ben Carson. They really set me straight. So I thought that saying that a Muslim should never be elected President made you a dick, but I was wrong. I thought agreeing with the statement "we have a problem with this country: it's called Muslims" made you a total asshole, but apparently it doesn't. Apparently embracing bigotry against an entire culture of people you know nothing about doesn't make you a dick at all. It makes you a folk hero because political correctness is a bad thing. Being a complete pile of feces is a good thing. Act accordingly.
4) Apparently Scott Walked dropped out of the race this week. When reached for comment, Americans everywhere said Who?" "Was he running?" and "Is that the dude who hates unions? Yeah, fuck that guy."
5) Hey, Pope Francis. I like you, dude. For a Pope, you seem like a pretty decent guy, spreading the good news and helping the poor and accepting the nonbelievers and the gays and the divorced. You even believe in Climate Change! You've still got a major woman problem, but I'm willing to overlook that for the moment. But could you do me a favor? Could you not come to New York City tomorrow? I know that a ton of people want to see you, but most of us don't, and you're totally ruining all of our lives right now. We are shutting down like, 100 blocks of road for you. Bro, that is so much. So much! It's on a FRIDAY. A Friday at 5:00 PM. For a Cool Pope®, that is a supremely uncool move. Do you know how many people are going to be leaving work then? All they want to do is take off their pants and drink beer and eat Cheetos while they watch The Big Bang Theory and pretend it's funny, and you are going to make that so difficult, man. Francie (can I call you Francie?), here's my suggestion: Just go to Coney Island. Coney Island needs religion, and you're here to provide. You don't need to mess with the city and the street closures and the masses of people. The believers will come to you! And the rest of us will go about our lives completely unaffected by your presence. Doesn't that sound perfect? I know they already painted a 50-story mural of you in midtown, but I will take a picture of it and text it to you. It isn't that great, and you don't want to be schlepping all the way up here when you could be eating hot dogs and blessing those in need. Deal? Ok cool. Catch you on the flippy flop.
Until next time, kids...
3) OK, so I just found something out this week. Apparently being politically correct is a bad thing! I know, it doesn't make sense to me either. Let me break it down for you. So like... being respectful of other people is not what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to just fire off all of your racist/bigoted/misogynistic thoughts like you're Drunk Uncle Randy at Thanksgiving, and we are supposed to like it, because offending people is awesome now. I found that out from a sentient piece of cornsilk named Donald Trump and an actual doctor who has done brain surgery named Ben Carson. They really set me straight. So I thought that saying that a Muslim should never be elected President made you a dick, but I was wrong. I thought agreeing with the statement "we have a problem with this country: it's called Muslims" made you a total asshole, but apparently it doesn't. Apparently embracing bigotry against an entire culture of people you know nothing about doesn't make you a dick at all. It makes you a folk hero because political correctness is a bad thing. Being a complete pile of feces is a good thing. Act accordingly.
4) Apparently Scott Walked dropped out of the race this week. When reached for comment, Americans everywhere said Who?" "Was he running?" and "Is that the dude who hates unions? Yeah, fuck that guy."
5) Hey, Pope Francis. I like you, dude. For a Pope, you seem like a pretty decent guy, spreading the good news and helping the poor and accepting the nonbelievers and the gays and the divorced. You even believe in Climate Change! You've still got a major woman problem, but I'm willing to overlook that for the moment. But could you do me a favor? Could you not come to New York City tomorrow? I know that a ton of people want to see you, but most of us don't, and you're totally ruining all of our lives right now. We are shutting down like, 100 blocks of road for you. Bro, that is so much. So much! It's on a FRIDAY. A Friday at 5:00 PM. For a Cool Pope®, that is a supremely uncool move. Do you know how many people are going to be leaving work then? All they want to do is take off their pants and drink beer and eat Cheetos while they watch The Big Bang Theory and pretend it's funny, and you are going to make that so difficult, man. Francie (can I call you Francie?), here's my suggestion: Just go to Coney Island. Coney Island needs religion, and you're here to provide. You don't need to mess with the city and the street closures and the masses of people. The believers will come to you! And the rest of us will go about our lives completely unaffected by your presence. Doesn't that sound perfect? I know they already painted a 50-story mural of you in midtown, but I will take a picture of it and text it to you. It isn't that great, and you don't want to be schlepping all the way up here when you could be eating hot dogs and blessing those in need. Deal? Ok cool. Catch you on the flippy flop.
Until next time, kids...
I was really looking forward to your rant on the VW emissions scandal. Love the blurb about Scott Walker. He totally doesn't deserve more attention than that.
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