Good morning, haterz! LET'S DO THIS.
1) Guys, I'm going to be real honest with you... I didn't watch the GOP debate. Instead I drank lychee martinis and ate Szechuan shrimp with an old friend, which is 100 times more enjoyable than watching 11 windbags bloviate. But because I love you, I did watch the highlights and read the news, and from what I can tell the best parts of the debate were the questions that had nothing to do with policy whatsoever. The security names they would use should they ever become president? DELIGHTFUL! Donald Trump's was Humble... look how aware he is of his own ridiculousness! Marco Rubio's is Gator, which actually really endears him to me, but this is a rant so I'm not going to focus on the things I like. Mike Huckabee's was not Jesus4eva, as I would have expected, but the totally boring and secular Duckhunter, which is disappointing. You can do better. Everyone else's was boring except for John Kasich, who would like to be called Unit One, which I am 99% sure is his pet name for his dong. What lady would you like on the $10 bill? EVEN BETTER! Apparently this is a really hard to understand question, because 2 of these idiots didn't pick Americans and 3 of them just chose members of their own family. Well isn't that cute and folksy?! Mike Huckabee picked his wife! Isn't that sweet? But let's be honest, this gal has made it through 30 years of fucking Mike Huckabee without committing seppuku, so I'm pretty sure she at least deserves a medal for bravery. I'm assuming the rest of the debate went something like "If I win, I'll bring down Jesus with an assault rifle and he can tell you all about the virtues of small government" or something. Really... who cares?
2) We need to talk about Miss America. I can't believe how many people I know are in love with this mess. I know it has more virtue than some other pageants in that it has a talent portion and the women competing have a platform for service, and they get a scholarship and many of these extraordinary women go on to do great things all that is lovely, but can we stop and have some real talk about this shit? That scholarship... for their education... is at least partially based on how they look in a freaking swimsuit. Your daughters watch this, people. So we are putting these smart, educated, gifted women on TV and telling them and everyone else that it is their tits in an evening gown that matters. This is fucked up, guys. When you watch 2 of the 4 categories (the categories they spend the longest airtime on, obviously), it is them walking around looking hot, staring wordlessly into the camera for your pleasure, and you are encouraged to judge them based on appearance alone. Really think about what you are doing when you watch this, people. EW. I judge you, and I judge you hard. It is 2015 for fuck's sake, and you are watching a 3 hour show devoted to you judging women's bodies! Stop it. STOP. IT. Turn on Netflix and watch Teeth instead. Seriously, stop watching this shit.
3) I feel like I say this every week, but WHAT THE HELL, TEXAS? You arrested a skinny 14 year old in a NASA shirt because he brought a clock to school? Really? Oh, it looked like a bomb? No, it didn't, you racist poopstains. It looked like a clock, and you arrested this kid because he is brown and his name is Ahmed Mohamed. You are racist, you are Islamophobic, and most of all, you are stupid, because if you took one damn second to look at the incidences of terrorism within the United States, you'd walk over to your gun-toting neighbor's house and arrest him, because 20-something, right wing, white males are committing most of the acts of terrorism here... pre and post 9/11. But please, continue to search everyone with a middle eastern name at the airport, and don't forget to keep arresting gifted children! Thanks for making this kid not only an even bigger target of derision among his peers, but thanks also for discouraging him from science and engineering, because we're apparently not far enough behind the rest of the world in this capacity. America is number one! Just kidding, we're number 21 out of 30.
4) Who else read the article in the Chicago Sun Times about how you can't rape sex workers? About how a rape case involving a prostitute is "making a mockery of rape victims?" Did you read it? I did, and I want to cut someone over it. And who wrote this bologna? Mary Mitchell. A woman. A freaking WOMAN wrote this about another woman. Are you fucking with me, Mary?!?! A man hired a prostitute, and when she went to meet him he put a gun to her head and raped her, and you think that... is fine? Is Ted Cruz paying you to write this? Is this satire and you're just really bad at it? What is even happening?!?!?! You know the sex worker that you're talking about is another person, right? You understand that she is a living, breathing human being with feelings and rights, the same as you are? I'm asking these ridiculous questions because I feel like maybe you don't know that sex workers are people and that dehumanizing them with your bullshit commentary makes their job even more dangerous than it already is. I don't know, maybe you confused "sex worker" with "non-sentient piece of plastic" and you're already writing your redaction, but in case you didn't, let me clear some shit up for you: anyone can get raped, you idiot. A sex worker, a child, a man, a transgender woman, a priest, a cheerleader, a spouse, ANYONE. Hey Mary, did you know that in some states you could still legally rape your wife until the 1980's? True story. So let's not go back to that nonsense and agree that no matter your line of work or marital status or gender or sexuality or whatever, you deserve to be treated like a human being. Even idiots like you, Mary. Even you.
That's it for this Thursday. I'm going to drink some more coffee.
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