Happy almost-Halloween, my friends in realness. Let's get crackin'.
1) So, GOP debate number infinity was last night, and because I love you, I watched it. Well, I caught up last night and this morning, because I have better shit to do than watch it live, like drinking wine. Fiorina royally screwed HP employees, Trump's immigration plan is literally an Arrested Development plot point, Carson is a soft-spoken mental patient , Rand Paul and John Kasich are apparently still running, Chris Christie is a sweaty mob boss, etc. Marco Rubio won, I guess? It doesn't really matter, because there are like 34 more debates to go, but you know who DIDN'T win? Jeb Bush. Holy shit, you guys. Like, Ted Cruz did better than he did. Fucking TED CRUZ, who literally said (admitted?) "if you want someone to grab a beer with, I may not be that guy. But if you want someone to drive you home, I will get the job done and I will get you home." That mole-faced loser beat Jeb Bush by a landslide. The Sociopath Bush barely spoke, and when he did, he said shit about giving people "a warm kiss." EW. FUCKING EW, DUDE. Stop saying gross stuff like that! You already made Supergirl want to barf, so let's not gross out the rest of America. It was pretty boring because Carson didn't compare anything to the Holocaust OR slavery, and the only one up there who didn't respond like a kid at a high school speech and debate competition was Rubio, who barely shows up to his current job. Many of them could barely respond to questions about THEIR OWN CAMPAIGN PLATFORMS. These are your best bets? Admittedly the moderator was shit, but literally every candidate has since made a whiny statement about how the questions were too tough for their fragile little egos. You want to be the fucking president! Nut up. Hilary listened to 11 hours of old dudes yelling at her, and all we got were a ton of awesome GIFs. Bitch is gonna eat their nominee alive, and I'm gonna love it. *CHOMP*
2) It's almost Halloween, so I just wanted to issue a quick public service announcement about costumes. Don't go as another race for Halloween. Don't do that, you guys. Don't. Fucking don't. You are (maybe not on purpose) being totally racist. Obviously if you're leaving the house in black face (or red face or yellow face), you are an asshole who should be taken behind the shed and shot, but how else do you know if you're fucking up Halloween? I will tell you. I discussed this with a friend on FB yesterday, and the example was brought up about say, a non-white person going as Abe Lincoln, and was that racist... Let me tell you why that's OK but a white girl going as Pocahontas is not. White people, a good rule of thumb is this: if the people you want to dress as have suffered under white oppression, just stop yourself right there. If you can't manage to do that, think of it this way. So if you dress up as Pocahontas, how will we tell you are Pocahontas? You'll probably find a generic "Indian" dress, and put your hair in braids, and wear a feather or headdress of some kind. And what's wrong with that? You didn't paint your face red, so why don't I lighten up? Nope. Sorry, bitches. Let's talk about cultural appropriation and why it sucks. When you dress up as Pocahontas you are (probably culturally incorrectly) wearing articles of clothing or accessories that are specific to her culture without knowledge of their meaning or importance, and you are using those important things as a costume. Not only is this disrespectful, it takes away from the humanity of the person whose life you're wearing as a costume. This goes for generic Geisha or generic Mexican Guy (complete with sombrero and fake mustache!) or what have you. Just go as Zombie Ninja Turtle or something.
3) If you're defending Ben Fields (the school safety officer who tackled a non-resisting child in a classroom), you need to go home, stand in front of a mirror, and punch yourself in the face. Look, teenagers are assholes. I was an asshole, you were an asshole, and your children and your children's children will ever be thus. Is refusing to put away your phone during class a dick move? Totally. Is an adult man flipping over a desk, dragging out a wee and unarmed girl an appropriate fucking reaction to teenage assholery? If your answer is yes, I'm going to suggest that you sterilize yourself immediately. Do you know what else is totally appropriate? Arresting the student who was crying and praying after she witnessed you assault her classmate. You can get arrested by a school safety officer for crying? Really? Fucking really? Unsurprisingly, this particular officer has had multiple force complaints. WHO COULD BELIEVE IT. Fuck this guy, but you know what, I need to tell a few more people to fuck off, too. Let's not forget the teacher, who JUST. FUCKING. STOOD. THERE. while one of his students was thrown to the ground. He should fuck off. And the delightful Sheriff Lott, who literally defended this douchebag by saying that Fields was dating an "African-American Female." Oh, he has black friends, so this is totally OK. *brain explodes* Oh, and Fields was right to "put his hands on her?" Right. Ah, and both girls will still be charged with "disruptive behavior," whatever the fuck that means? Cool. This guy can fuck off too. And when the hell did regular classroom issues become criminal cases? I understand having cops in schools for REAL crimes, you know like the assault that this officer committed on this girl, but why was he even there to deal with some kid who was playing on her phone in class and didn't want to leave? What kind of police state fuckery is this? I feel like I'm in some sort of dystopian future where somehow racism is still a thing. Thankfully this tool is no longer employed, and I'm pretty confident in saying that the "African-American Female" he was dating has dumped his sorry ass.
Have a reckless and moderately unsafe Halloween, kids!
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Thursday Rant 10/21/15
First of all, Happy (Belated) Back To The Future Day! It was a slow news week, but I found some realness for you.
1) Holy shit, did you guys see the new Star Wars trailer?!?! We've all been waiting for it for months, and it looks so good! Everyone loves Star Wars! Conservative, liberal, gay, straight, old, young.... Finally, something to bring the whole country together! Nothing could possibly ruin thi- Oh. Oh, a few White Men® are freaking out because there is a black guy in it? Nevermind, everything is still the fucking worst. I'm not making this up, you guys. Apparently I watched the trailer wrong, because it's not about The Force or lightsabers or old Harrison Ford, it's about white genocide. I know, I missed it at first, too! But someone has to stand up for the underrepresented White Men® of this world, and if I don't then who will. So for those of you who want to be sensitive about this Very Important Issue, I'm here to help. A good way to tell that a movie is racist against White Men® is to look at the casting. You see, if there are any people of color appearing on the screen for longer than .5 seconds, then that movie is anti-white. And Star Wars isn't just racist, it's sexist, too! Did you know that one of the leads is a woman? They even let her talk, and I'm pretty sure we won't get to see her tits. I'm sorry but this will not stand. Congratulations, Star Wars. You just lost the white supremacist nerd vote. Enjoy your flop of a film. #boycottstarwarsvii
2) Remember Paul Ryan? He likes to do P90X and apparently is like, a congressman or something? I guess he's going to take John "Tan Mom" Boehner's place as Speaker of the House! Good for him? Maybe? Nobody wants this job, but Paul Ryan is here for us now. But like anyone who is holding people hostage, he has issued a list of demands. And these demands have made him hated by the Freedom Caucus. So if you don't know who they are, they're the ULTRA-MEGA-CONSERVATIVES in Congress. The Tea Baggers. Like, they're the guys who think that Paul Ryan is way too liberal to be Speaker. Those dudes. Almost all of his demands involve him forcing them to support him and no promising them anything. But there are only like, 10 of them, so how bad could that be? Oh, that could shut this whole thing down? Cool. Greatest country in the world. But don't worry, fellow liberals. Even though we share a common enemy, you can still hate on Paul Ryan, too. His other demand was that he get to spend time with his family. Aww! I actually like that, but I'm gonna hate on it, and here's why: Paul Ryan would like family leave, but he also would not like others to have family leave. Womp-womp. Buddy, you shot down paid parental leave both in the public and private sectors and you voted for deep cuts to childcare subsidies for low income families, but I'm so glad that you get to fly home every weekend to spend that time with your three young children. How very fortunate for you. You know, if you had a better record of giving a shit about anyone but yourself, you'd be a hero for this. Seriously. But you don't, broseph. You don't. You want a special something that you don't want to share with others, but the rest of us learned how to do that in kindergarten. So either hop on the Basic Human Decency Bus, or go back to idolizing Ayn Rand and keep your mouth shut.
3) I'm not going to lie, but I kind of forgot that Jeb Bush was running for president. I get so distracted by Donald Trump and Ben Carson that I forget about the dude in the glasses a little bit. But dude is turning it up a little. He's got way more money than anyone else, and he does kind of seem like the only dude who wouldn't fill the White House with hookers and pictures of Jesus, so that's good. He let us know that he would like to fuck the actress who plays Supergirl, so that's awkward. He even got his bro George W. to come to some campaign stuff, who established himself as the ex-president who gives the least of a shit about anything. It's so great. Everyone else is out there doing humanitarian work or something, and GWB is just hanging out at home, painting shitty pictures of Putin. I love it. But he came out of hiding the other day, and while I'm sure he said some other stuff, the only thing I remember is that he threw shade at Ted Cruz. "I just don't like the guy." Awwww, SNAP! Ted Cruz used to work for GWB! Dude, that's cold. It is universally known that Ted Cruz has the most punchable face in Washington, but how shitty of a person do you have to be to have GWB not like you. I imagine GWB as kind of a Labrador Retriever. He's sort of stupid and drooly and eager to please and he likes everybody immediately. Dude likes Dick Cheney, who is essentially a modern day Emperor Palpatine, but even he doesn't like Ted Cruz! He can barely fucking string two words together, but he managed to say that he doesn't like Ted Cruz. It just makes me so happy, you guys. I knew no one liked that Eddie Munster-looking fool, but now I have proof. GWB proof.
4) I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this, but did you know that those Planned Parenthood smear videos are heavily edited in order to be deceptive? And that the footage of a fully-formed fetus isn't from an abortion, it's from a stillborn birth? And did you know that PP just decided not to take reimbursement for tissue donation costs so everyone will shut up but somehow no one is? I'm trying to spread the knowledge, because apparently a few people haven't heard yet. Ohio voted to defund Planned Parenthood last night and Texas cut off Medicaid funding to PP, because apparently nothing will stop the war on low income men, women, and children. Really, what else can I say about this that hasn't already been said? It's hard to come up with more arguments, but I also won't ever shut up about this. LOL Texas, what are you even doing? You know there is a federal law that prevents you from denying Medicaid funding to abortion providers, right? It's been struck down in every state that has tried to pull that shit, so don't pretend that this is anything but you jerking off conservative groups. At this point the jerking off isn't really worth anything. As Frank Reynolds once said to Gail the Snail: "Stop, you're just mashing it now." So can we stop with this shit? I know you hate poor people. I know that just like Paul Ryan, you don't care about things until they directly affect you. But can you choose someone else to take a shit on for a little while? Low-income women are practically buried under your feces. At least let them go get a fucking pap smear.
Until next week...
1) Holy shit, did you guys see the new Star Wars trailer?!?! We've all been waiting for it for months, and it looks so good! Everyone loves Star Wars! Conservative, liberal, gay, straight, old, young.... Finally, something to bring the whole country together! Nothing could possibly ruin thi- Oh. Oh, a few White Men® are freaking out because there is a black guy in it? Nevermind, everything is still the fucking worst. I'm not making this up, you guys. Apparently I watched the trailer wrong, because it's not about The Force or lightsabers or old Harrison Ford, it's about white genocide. I know, I missed it at first, too! But someone has to stand up for the underrepresented White Men® of this world, and if I don't then who will. So for those of you who want to be sensitive about this Very Important Issue, I'm here to help. A good way to tell that a movie is racist against White Men® is to look at the casting. You see, if there are any people of color appearing on the screen for longer than .5 seconds, then that movie is anti-white. And Star Wars isn't just racist, it's sexist, too! Did you know that one of the leads is a woman? They even let her talk, and I'm pretty sure we won't get to see her tits. I'm sorry but this will not stand. Congratulations, Star Wars. You just lost the white supremacist nerd vote. Enjoy your flop of a film. #boycottstarwarsvii
2) Remember Paul Ryan? He likes to do P90X and apparently is like, a congressman or something? I guess he's going to take John "Tan Mom" Boehner's place as Speaker of the House! Good for him? Maybe? Nobody wants this job, but Paul Ryan is here for us now. But like anyone who is holding people hostage, he has issued a list of demands. And these demands have made him hated by the Freedom Caucus. So if you don't know who they are, they're the ULTRA-MEGA-CONSERVATIVES in Congress. The Tea Baggers. Like, they're the guys who think that Paul Ryan is way too liberal to be Speaker. Those dudes. Almost all of his demands involve him forcing them to support him and no promising them anything. But there are only like, 10 of them, so how bad could that be? Oh, that could shut this whole thing down? Cool. Greatest country in the world. But don't worry, fellow liberals. Even though we share a common enemy, you can still hate on Paul Ryan, too. His other demand was that he get to spend time with his family. Aww! I actually like that, but I'm gonna hate on it, and here's why: Paul Ryan would like family leave, but he also would not like others to have family leave. Womp-womp. Buddy, you shot down paid parental leave both in the public and private sectors and you voted for deep cuts to childcare subsidies for low income families, but I'm so glad that you get to fly home every weekend to spend that time with your three young children. How very fortunate for you. You know, if you had a better record of giving a shit about anyone but yourself, you'd be a hero for this. Seriously. But you don't, broseph. You don't. You want a special something that you don't want to share with others, but the rest of us learned how to do that in kindergarten. So either hop on the Basic Human Decency Bus, or go back to idolizing Ayn Rand and keep your mouth shut.
3) I'm not going to lie, but I kind of forgot that Jeb Bush was running for president. I get so distracted by Donald Trump and Ben Carson that I forget about the dude in the glasses a little bit. But dude is turning it up a little. He's got way more money than anyone else, and he does kind of seem like the only dude who wouldn't fill the White House with hookers and pictures of Jesus, so that's good. He let us know that he would like to fuck the actress who plays Supergirl, so that's awkward. He even got his bro George W. to come to some campaign stuff, who established himself as the ex-president who gives the least of a shit about anything. It's so great. Everyone else is out there doing humanitarian work or something, and GWB is just hanging out at home, painting shitty pictures of Putin. I love it. But he came out of hiding the other day, and while I'm sure he said some other stuff, the only thing I remember is that he threw shade at Ted Cruz. "I just don't like the guy." Awwww, SNAP! Ted Cruz used to work for GWB! Dude, that's cold. It is universally known that Ted Cruz has the most punchable face in Washington, but how shitty of a person do you have to be to have GWB not like you. I imagine GWB as kind of a Labrador Retriever. He's sort of stupid and drooly and eager to please and he likes everybody immediately. Dude likes Dick Cheney, who is essentially a modern day Emperor Palpatine, but even he doesn't like Ted Cruz! He can barely fucking string two words together, but he managed to say that he doesn't like Ted Cruz. It just makes me so happy, you guys. I knew no one liked that Eddie Munster-looking fool, but now I have proof. GWB proof.
4) I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this, but did you know that those Planned Parenthood smear videos are heavily edited in order to be deceptive? And that the footage of a fully-formed fetus isn't from an abortion, it's from a stillborn birth? And did you know that PP just decided not to take reimbursement for tissue donation costs so everyone will shut up but somehow no one is? I'm trying to spread the knowledge, because apparently a few people haven't heard yet. Ohio voted to defund Planned Parenthood last night and Texas cut off Medicaid funding to PP, because apparently nothing will stop the war on low income men, women, and children. Really, what else can I say about this that hasn't already been said? It's hard to come up with more arguments, but I also won't ever shut up about this. LOL Texas, what are you even doing? You know there is a federal law that prevents you from denying Medicaid funding to abortion providers, right? It's been struck down in every state that has tried to pull that shit, so don't pretend that this is anything but you jerking off conservative groups. At this point the jerking off isn't really worth anything. As Frank Reynolds once said to Gail the Snail: "Stop, you're just mashing it now." So can we stop with this shit? I know you hate poor people. I know that just like Paul Ryan, you don't care about things until they directly affect you. But can you choose someone else to take a shit on for a little while? Low-income women are practically buried under your feces. At least let them go get a fucking pap smear.
Until next week...
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Essential Halloween Viewing
Hi haters! I know this isn't my usual thing, but I've got to spread the Halloween joy. This is my Christmas, you guys. The weather is perfect, little kids are dressed up as killer clowns, I get to binge on candy, and while I watch horror movies all year, this is obviously the best season for it. If you're an amateur horror viewer, I'm here to help. I've got all the horror genres that I totally just made up covered and I've sorted it by fright level, so there's something for everyone. Go hop on over to Netflix, pop some corn, and get ready, bitches.
Here are your fright levels:
Scaredy-Cat, for those of you who have nightmares from Law & Order
Moderate, for all those who have only seen The Exorcist at slumber parties.
Badass, for the bravest among us, with the strongest stomachs.
Film Snob, for jerks who think Freddy Kruger is gauche.
Haunted House
Scaredy-Cat: The House on Haunted Hill. Vincent Price + Skeletons hanging from fishing line. It's awesome and I could watch it at age 10, nightmare-free.
Moderate: The Haunting. This is an old classic, but don't let its age fool you. It is genuinely scary without gore or special effects.
Badass: The Conjuring. It's new(ish) and it's scary as fuck. Who knew clapping was so scary?
Film Snob: The Orphanage. It's foreign, which I know you love, you asshole. It's also scary and beautiful and touching.
Masked Madmen
Scaredy-Cat: Halloween. Ok, so this maybe belongs in the Moderate category, but it is so great. There's almost no gore, and you get to see boobies. Nut up, you can take it.
Moderate: Scream. Worth watching for the opening sequence alone. Bye bye, Drew.
Badass: The Strangers. You'll never answer the door at night again.
Film Snob: Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I don't know why, but this is the right choice.
I Vant To Suck Your Blood
Scaredy-Cat: Fright Night. 80's camp with Prince Humperdink as the vampire. It's funny and just a little scary. Perfect.
Moderate: The Lost Boys. Everyone loves this movie. EVERYONE.
Badass: Near Dark. Truly one of the only bloodsucker movies to ever unsettle me. It's a gory vampire western. Get into it.
Film Snob: A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night. It's absolutely beautiful, you pretentious fuck. (Runners up include Let The Right One In, Nosferatu, and The Hunger. There are a lot of stylish vampire flicks.)
Braaaaaains
Scaredy-Cat: Shaun of The Dead. There are plenty of scares and lotsa gore (it's zombies, for fuck's sake), but you'll be able to break it up by laughing. A lot. One of my favorites.
Moderate: Night of The Living Dead. Ignore the terrible line delivery. It doesn't matter. This is just as scary today as it was when it first came out.
Badass: 28 Days Later. Fast zombies are awful, but the other survivors might be worse.
Film Snob: Dead Alive, because you know you want to see Peter Jackson's first real film. Bring a vomit bucket, because the blood is flowing freely in this one.
Horror for LOLZ
Scaredy-Cat: Slither. I love this movie. Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but hilarious. Bonus points for Nathan Fillion hotness.
Moderate: Tucker & Dale vs. Evil. A great send up of Hillbilly Killer movies. Double bonus points for Alan Tudyk.
Badass: Evil Dead 2. One of my top 5 favorite movies ever. Perfect in every way. Follow it with Army of Darkness for the ultimate evening. On second thought, just watch the whole trilogy, because it's perfection.
Film Snob: American Psycho. More of a satire, if you're going to be a dick about it.
Torture Porn
Scaredy-Cat: Oh honey, no. Don't watch this. Really, no one should watch this.
Moderate: Saw. The original torture porn... it seems almost tame now.
Badass: Hostel. So gross. So satisfying.
Film Snob: The Devil's Rejects. To be honest, this movie made me ill. You'd like it.
Slashers
Scaredy-Cat: Sleepaway Camp. This won't scare you, but you'll never forget the ending.
Moderate: Friday the 13th. Once you see it you'll be able to live for an extra 15 seconds in Scream.
Badass: Black Christmas. My favorite. The stores already have Christmas trees up anyway, so why not watch Margot Kidder get stabbed while carolers sing?
Film Snob: Opera. It's Dario Argento, so it's sickening and beautiful.
Witches and Warlocks
Scaredy-Cat: The Witches. 7 year old me just about lost my mind at this movie, but you should be able to handle it. (Runner up: Hocus Pocus, because it's awesome.)
Moderate: The Craft. Good campy fun, with a great final magic battle. Teen me loved this.
Badass: Suspiria. Another beautiful and horrible Argento about witches in a ballet school. It's like a vivid nightmare.
Film Snob: Rosemary's Baby. Mia Farrow has the worst fucking neighbors.
Devils & Demons
Scaredy-Cat: Bless your heart, there is nothing for you here. Just watch Hocus Pocus again.
Moderate: The Omen. Gregory Peck's adopted son is the Antichrist. After watching this, you will immediately hate anyone named Damien.
Badass: The Exorcist. I know you've seen it, and I don't care. Watch her crabwalk down the stairs again and then try to tell me that this isn't scary.
Film Snob: The House of The Devil. Early Ti West. You can say you saw it before everyone else. Plus it's awesome.
**Edited because it broke my heart to leave out so many of my favorites**
Fucked Up Families
Scaredy-Cat: Matilda. More Roald Dahl, who fed my need for horror as a wee thing. Child abuse + Miss Trunchbull + supernatural powers. It's like Carrie before the prom. Speaking of...
Moderate: Carrie. Poor, poor Carrie. You'll want to hug your mom after this one. Bonus points for blowing up John Travolta.
Badass: Frailty. Thank heavens a friend reminded me of just how good this film is. Demons are real. Maybe.
Film Snob: Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Joan Crawford sits around while Bette Davis chews the scenery. "I've Written A Letter to Daddy" and it was about holding my handicapped sister hostage.
Home Invasion
Scaredy-Cats: When A Stranger Calls. Admittedly this is going to scare the shit out of you, but it's going to be OK! You already know the story (the calls are coming from inside the house!), and it stars young Carol Kane, so when you get too scared, just pretend you're watching Scrooged.
Moderate: You're Next. A great twist with a badass Final Girl. Worth the watch.
Badass: The Last House on the Left. Not the shitty remake, the original Wes Craven shocker. A brutal reminder of the violence we are ALL capable of.
Film Snob: Straw Dogs. Dustin Hoffman moves to England to get away from American violence, but it backfires royally. Trigger warning for a terrible rape scene. (Runners up: A Clockwork Orange, Funny Games)
Killer Kids
Scaredy-Cats: Children of the Corn. Outlander! OUTLANDER! A highly ridiculous Stephen King adaptation. This is great fun with minimal nightmare-inducing scenes. (Runner up: The Bad Seed)
Moderate: The Ring/Ringu. They're both great, and you'll never sleep again.
Badass: Orphan. I will say very little about it, other than that you should maybe not adopt a kid from Russia.
Film Snob: The Brood. Killer deformed children develop as a manifestation of a woman's rage. You're going to love this shit.
Body Horror
Scaredy-Cats: Teeth. If you're a straight dude, you might find this more horrifying. A girl with Vagina Dentata takes out rapists.
Moderate: The Fly. The Jeff Goldblum Fly, to be exact. Get your barfbag ready. (Runner up: Hellraiser)
Badass: The Thing. Claustrophobic, intelligent, and full of gooey, sticky gore. It's maybe an allegory for the AIDS epidemic or the Reagan administration or something, but I like when the blood jumps out of the petrie dish. (Runner up: Re-Animator)
Film Snob: Videodrome. Get grossed out AND feel superior to those who are too reliant on technology (you probably don't even own a TV).
Shakey Cam/Found Footage
Scaredy-Cat: Lake Mungo. When Alice drowns and paranormal activity starts in their home, her family goes searching for answers via cameras, psychics, and everything else. It's more about the hole that is left when a loved one dies than anything else.
Moderate: Grave Encounters. The total opposite of Lake Mungo. A fun send up of terrible ghost hunter TV shows, with some genuine scares.
Badass: VHS/VHS 2. Damn good short films held together by a thin robbery plot. Some are better than others, but overall it's a helluva ride. Standouts include The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger, Amateur Night, and Safe Haven.
Film Snob: The Poughkeepsie Tapes. Strap on your big boy pants.
Stuff I Left Out
Scaredy-Cats: Cabin in the Woods. You'll be scared, but you'll also love Joss Whedon's trademark snark, along with some great performances. It's horror, it's comedy, it's sci-fi, it's awesome.
Moderate: The Shining. So Stephen King hates it. So it's oversimplified and a they made Wendy into a sobbing pushover. Don't care, because it's so great. Unforgettable. (Runner up: The Babadook)
Badass: It Follows. A sexually transmitted supernatural force that only you can see? Count me in.
Film Snob: Hitchcock. Psycho is the most obvious Halloween choice, but I've always had a soft spot for Vertigo.
Anything I left out? Anything that you love or hate? Let me know, but know that I'm right and you're wrong.
Later this week we get a GUEST BLOG from my old friend Kate, who will tell us all about some more awesome underground horror!
Happy viewing!
Here are your fright levels:
Scaredy-Cat, for those of you who have nightmares from Law & Order
Moderate, for all those who have only seen The Exorcist at slumber parties.
Badass, for the bravest among us, with the strongest stomachs.
Film Snob, for jerks who think Freddy Kruger is gauche.
Haunted House
Scaredy-Cat: The House on Haunted Hill. Vincent Price + Skeletons hanging from fishing line. It's awesome and I could watch it at age 10, nightmare-free.
Moderate: The Haunting. This is an old classic, but don't let its age fool you. It is genuinely scary without gore or special effects.
Badass: The Conjuring. It's new(ish) and it's scary as fuck. Who knew clapping was so scary?
Film Snob: The Orphanage. It's foreign, which I know you love, you asshole. It's also scary and beautiful and touching.
Masked Madmen
Scaredy-Cat: Halloween. Ok, so this maybe belongs in the Moderate category, but it is so great. There's almost no gore, and you get to see boobies. Nut up, you can take it.
Moderate: Scream. Worth watching for the opening sequence alone. Bye bye, Drew.
Badass: The Strangers. You'll never answer the door at night again.
Film Snob: Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I don't know why, but this is the right choice.
I Vant To Suck Your Blood
Scaredy-Cat: Fright Night. 80's camp with Prince Humperdink as the vampire. It's funny and just a little scary. Perfect.
Moderate: The Lost Boys. Everyone loves this movie. EVERYONE.
Badass: Near Dark. Truly one of the only bloodsucker movies to ever unsettle me. It's a gory vampire western. Get into it.
Film Snob: A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night. It's absolutely beautiful, you pretentious fuck. (Runners up include Let The Right One In, Nosferatu, and The Hunger. There are a lot of stylish vampire flicks.)
Braaaaaains
Scaredy-Cat: Shaun of The Dead. There are plenty of scares and lotsa gore (it's zombies, for fuck's sake), but you'll be able to break it up by laughing. A lot. One of my favorites.
Moderate: Night of The Living Dead. Ignore the terrible line delivery. It doesn't matter. This is just as scary today as it was when it first came out.
Badass: 28 Days Later. Fast zombies are awful, but the other survivors might be worse.
Film Snob: Dead Alive, because you know you want to see Peter Jackson's first real film. Bring a vomit bucket, because the blood is flowing freely in this one.
Horror for LOLZ
Scaredy-Cat: Slither. I love this movie. Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but hilarious. Bonus points for Nathan Fillion hotness.
Moderate: Tucker & Dale vs. Evil. A great send up of Hillbilly Killer movies. Double bonus points for Alan Tudyk.
Badass: Evil Dead 2. One of my top 5 favorite movies ever. Perfect in every way. Follow it with Army of Darkness for the ultimate evening. On second thought, just watch the whole trilogy, because it's perfection.
Film Snob: American Psycho. More of a satire, if you're going to be a dick about it.
Torture Porn
Scaredy-Cat: Oh honey, no. Don't watch this. Really, no one should watch this.
Moderate: Saw. The original torture porn... it seems almost tame now.
Badass: Hostel. So gross. So satisfying.
Film Snob: The Devil's Rejects. To be honest, this movie made me ill. You'd like it.
Slashers
Scaredy-Cat: Sleepaway Camp. This won't scare you, but you'll never forget the ending.
Moderate: Friday the 13th. Once you see it you'll be able to live for an extra 15 seconds in Scream.
Badass: Black Christmas. My favorite. The stores already have Christmas trees up anyway, so why not watch Margot Kidder get stabbed while carolers sing?
Film Snob: Opera. It's Dario Argento, so it's sickening and beautiful.
Witches and Warlocks
Scaredy-Cat: The Witches. 7 year old me just about lost my mind at this movie, but you should be able to handle it. (Runner up: Hocus Pocus, because it's awesome.)
Moderate: The Craft. Good campy fun, with a great final magic battle. Teen me loved this.
Badass: Suspiria. Another beautiful and horrible Argento about witches in a ballet school. It's like a vivid nightmare.
Film Snob: Rosemary's Baby. Mia Farrow has the worst fucking neighbors.
Devils & Demons
Scaredy-Cat: Bless your heart, there is nothing for you here. Just watch Hocus Pocus again.
Moderate: The Omen. Gregory Peck's adopted son is the Antichrist. After watching this, you will immediately hate anyone named Damien.
Badass: The Exorcist. I know you've seen it, and I don't care. Watch her crabwalk down the stairs again and then try to tell me that this isn't scary.
Film Snob: The House of The Devil. Early Ti West. You can say you saw it before everyone else. Plus it's awesome.
**Edited because it broke my heart to leave out so many of my favorites**
Fucked Up Families
Scaredy-Cat: Matilda. More Roald Dahl, who fed my need for horror as a wee thing. Child abuse + Miss Trunchbull + supernatural powers. It's like Carrie before the prom. Speaking of...
Moderate: Carrie. Poor, poor Carrie. You'll want to hug your mom after this one. Bonus points for blowing up John Travolta.
Badass: Frailty. Thank heavens a friend reminded me of just how good this film is. Demons are real. Maybe.
Film Snob: Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Joan Crawford sits around while Bette Davis chews the scenery. "I've Written A Letter to Daddy" and it was about holding my handicapped sister hostage.
Home Invasion
Scaredy-Cats: When A Stranger Calls. Admittedly this is going to scare the shit out of you, but it's going to be OK! You already know the story (the calls are coming from inside the house!), and it stars young Carol Kane, so when you get too scared, just pretend you're watching Scrooged.
Moderate: You're Next. A great twist with a badass Final Girl. Worth the watch.
Badass: The Last House on the Left. Not the shitty remake, the original Wes Craven shocker. A brutal reminder of the violence we are ALL capable of.
Film Snob: Straw Dogs. Dustin Hoffman moves to England to get away from American violence, but it backfires royally. Trigger warning for a terrible rape scene. (Runners up: A Clockwork Orange, Funny Games)
Killer Kids
Scaredy-Cats: Children of the Corn. Outlander! OUTLANDER! A highly ridiculous Stephen King adaptation. This is great fun with minimal nightmare-inducing scenes. (Runner up: The Bad Seed)
Moderate: The Ring/Ringu. They're both great, and you'll never sleep again.
Badass: Orphan. I will say very little about it, other than that you should maybe not adopt a kid from Russia.
Film Snob: The Brood. Killer deformed children develop as a manifestation of a woman's rage. You're going to love this shit.
Body Horror
Scaredy-Cats: Teeth. If you're a straight dude, you might find this more horrifying. A girl with Vagina Dentata takes out rapists.
Moderate: The Fly. The Jeff Goldblum Fly, to be exact. Get your barfbag ready. (Runner up: Hellraiser)
Badass: The Thing. Claustrophobic, intelligent, and full of gooey, sticky gore. It's maybe an allegory for the AIDS epidemic or the Reagan administration or something, but I like when the blood jumps out of the petrie dish. (Runner up: Re-Animator)
Film Snob: Videodrome. Get grossed out AND feel superior to those who are too reliant on technology (you probably don't even own a TV).
Shakey Cam/Found Footage
Scaredy-Cat: Lake Mungo. When Alice drowns and paranormal activity starts in their home, her family goes searching for answers via cameras, psychics, and everything else. It's more about the hole that is left when a loved one dies than anything else.
Moderate: Grave Encounters. The total opposite of Lake Mungo. A fun send up of terrible ghost hunter TV shows, with some genuine scares.
Badass: VHS/VHS 2. Damn good short films held together by a thin robbery plot. Some are better than others, but overall it's a helluva ride. Standouts include The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger, Amateur Night, and Safe Haven.
Film Snob: The Poughkeepsie Tapes. Strap on your big boy pants.
Stuff I Left Out
Scaredy-Cats: Cabin in the Woods. You'll be scared, but you'll also love Joss Whedon's trademark snark, along with some great performances. It's horror, it's comedy, it's sci-fi, it's awesome.
Moderate: The Shining. So Stephen King hates it. So it's oversimplified and a they made Wendy into a sobbing pushover. Don't care, because it's so great. Unforgettable. (Runner up: The Babadook)
Badass: It Follows. A sexually transmitted supernatural force that only you can see? Count me in.
Film Snob: Hitchcock. Psycho is the most obvious Halloween choice, but I've always had a soft spot for Vertigo.
Anything I left out? Anything that you love or hate? Let me know, but know that I'm right and you're wrong.
Later this week we get a GUEST BLOG from my old friend Kate, who will tell us all about some more awesome underground horror!
Happy viewing!
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Thursday Rant 10/15/15
Happy Thursday to all my comrades in hate. Let's get this party started.
1) The Democratic debate was disappointingly civil and no one said anything that offensive and the lies were miniscule, but I want to talk really quickly about Jim Webb, because what the fuck, you guys? So this dude spends all night bitching about not being able to talk. I get it, I'd probably be pissy, too, especially if even Lincoln "perma-smile" Chafee got more time than me. If this was high school, Hilary would be prom queen, Bernie would be valedictorian, O'Malley would be lead in the school play, and Chafee would be that weird guy in your bio class who always somehow ended up being your lab partner and when you did the project where you had to have a theoretical baby together to talk about dominant genes he took it way too seriously and creeped you out. Webb would be the guy that had a psychotic break junior year and was never heard from again until you saw him 10 years later working at an Arby's. Why do I say that? Because when he finally got to speak, he made a joke about how he killed a guy who threw a grenade at him. Badass as that is... Dude, you're not at the Republican debate. That shit would have elicited a zillion cheers were you debating Donald Trump, but it's not going to go over well with the patchouli-stink Bernie Sanders crowd or the well-groomed, anti-war Clinton crowd. And I assume whatever crowds are supporting these other dudes wouldn't like it either. So it was nice knowing you, Jim Webb. I had zero idea who you were, and now I do. And I think you're frightening. Mission accomplished?
2) Quick history lesson: did you know that the Jews could have totally stopped the Holocaust if they had been heavily armed? That's a Ben Carson truth, and you know it's true because he's a brain surgeon, and brain surgeons are smart. Just kidding, this guy is a fucking idiot. Ben Carson, you have now officially surpassed Trump in terms of dumbassery. And since being as much like a drunk uncle at a barbecue as you can seems like a prerequisite for running for the Republican nomination, congratulations! Look, it's bad enough that you think that victims of a mass shooting just sat there while they got assassinated (and you'd NEVER do that), but the Holocaust... really? Really, dude?? It's like this shitstain thinks that all the Jews in Germany just happily skipped out of their homes, suitcase in hand, directly in to the gas chambers. If Ben Carson would have stayed awake in class or read half of a third of a quarter of a textbook, he would know that there were uprisings in at least 100 of the Jewish ghettos, and many uprisings in the camps as well. And it still took a combined effort from like, 20 countries to bring down Hitler's regime, so no, assault rifles for the Jews wouldn't have helped. Maybe if Hitler had been a better artist... Nope, still a brainwashing psychopath. Ben Carson isn't a psychopath, but he is a moron of the highest order. And so I say, probably not for the last time: fuck you, Ben Carson.
3) Hey, crazytown Republicans. Planned Parenthood is going to stop receiving reimbursement for its fetal tissue donation costs. I know you (it was a bipartisan bill back then) told them they could do this in fucking 1993, which is apparently a more progressive time than 2015, but they're going to stop. So are you going to shut the fuck up now? No? You're not? Jason Chaffetz says he has unedited video which is going to take months to go through? Cool. All of us (even you) know that the existing video has already been proven by MULTIPLE SOURCES to be deceptive, so let's just all stop pretending that you think PP is selling baby parts to cannibal feminists. You don't care much about women, especially low-income women, and you want to appeal to the religious right, even though you couldn't give less of a shit. It's cool, just be honest. You know it and I know it and anyone with a functioning central nervous system knows it. You don't think that poor people deserve healthcare. You've made that abundantly clear, and this kills two birds with one stone. You get to deny poor people healthcare AND you get to sit on a throne of judgment, which we all know is your absolute favorite thing in the world to do. And what do you get as a reward for screwing over the poor? The religious vote thinks you're pious because you're "pro-life," even though Jesus would probably spit in your face if he saw how you treated the fetus after it was expelled from its mother's womb. This isn't about abortion... not for these guys (and I say guys because they are overwhelmingly men). If their daughters were oopsie-daisy pregnant, you can bet your ass that they'd be the first one in the car on the way to the hospital. Not Planned Parenthood, of course, because that's where the poors go. A PP shutting down doesn't matter to them or anyone they know, and it never would, but it does get them votes from brainwashed voters who can't see past this singular issue. Meanwhile, a scared teenage girl in South Dakota is crying because there is nowhere for her to go, a mother is walking around with undetected cervical cancer, and a woman is going into debt because she needed a pap smear. Not that Chaffetz or any of these other garbage people give a shit. So if you give a shit, please give to Planned Parenthood, and please vote in your state and local elections. And if anyone sees Representative Chaffetz, please make sure to give him a swift kick to the taint for me.
4) I'm going to need to talk about breast cancer now. It's that special time of year when everything turns pink, and we all try to feel good about ourselves by buying stuff. It's very popular. So popular that the NFL even gets in on the pinksploitation, even though we know that they couldn't give less of a shit about the well-being of women. Pink hats, pink mugs, pink dildos... all for breast cancer, not that most of the proceeds go towards research. Look, we're all aware of this disease, and it isn't because someone wore a pink hoodie. We're aware because this disease takes the lives of people we love. A reminder to "save the ta-tas" isn't going to do anything but piss me off, because we shouldn't save BREASTS, we should save women (and men). Taking off your bra all day to "raise awareness" of breast cancer is doing absolutely nothing but giving you attention for fake caring. Stop it. Stop this shit right now, and if you care at all about this, do something that will actually fucking help people. Not to ask you to give money in two separate paragraphs, but go give some damn money. Don't buy a pink thermos, give money. And while you're at it, give money to a reputable charity, not Susan G. Komen, who started all this pink merchandising nonsense, and who ultimately gives much, much less to cancer research than most of its less famous "competitors." Breast Cancer Research Foundation, The Rose, National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc... there are a ton. Just a quick Google search will get you there. And if you can't donate, go knit a hat or a blanket, go hug a survivor or help someone mourn, or at the very least, start calling people on their fake bullshit, because our loved ones deserve better than pinkification and crocodile tears.
Until next week, let us stand united in annoyance.
1) The Democratic debate was disappointingly civil and no one said anything that offensive and the lies were miniscule, but I want to talk really quickly about Jim Webb, because what the fuck, you guys? So this dude spends all night bitching about not being able to talk. I get it, I'd probably be pissy, too, especially if even Lincoln "perma-smile" Chafee got more time than me. If this was high school, Hilary would be prom queen, Bernie would be valedictorian, O'Malley would be lead in the school play, and Chafee would be that weird guy in your bio class who always somehow ended up being your lab partner and when you did the project where you had to have a theoretical baby together to talk about dominant genes he took it way too seriously and creeped you out. Webb would be the guy that had a psychotic break junior year and was never heard from again until you saw him 10 years later working at an Arby's. Why do I say that? Because when he finally got to speak, he made a joke about how he killed a guy who threw a grenade at him. Badass as that is... Dude, you're not at the Republican debate. That shit would have elicited a zillion cheers were you debating Donald Trump, but it's not going to go over well with the patchouli-stink Bernie Sanders crowd or the well-groomed, anti-war Clinton crowd. And I assume whatever crowds are supporting these other dudes wouldn't like it either. So it was nice knowing you, Jim Webb. I had zero idea who you were, and now I do. And I think you're frightening. Mission accomplished?
2) Quick history lesson: did you know that the Jews could have totally stopped the Holocaust if they had been heavily armed? That's a Ben Carson truth, and you know it's true because he's a brain surgeon, and brain surgeons are smart. Just kidding, this guy is a fucking idiot. Ben Carson, you have now officially surpassed Trump in terms of dumbassery. And since being as much like a drunk uncle at a barbecue as you can seems like a prerequisite for running for the Republican nomination, congratulations! Look, it's bad enough that you think that victims of a mass shooting just sat there while they got assassinated (and you'd NEVER do that), but the Holocaust... really? Really, dude?? It's like this shitstain thinks that all the Jews in Germany just happily skipped out of their homes, suitcase in hand, directly in to the gas chambers. If Ben Carson would have stayed awake in class or read half of a third of a quarter of a textbook, he would know that there were uprisings in at least 100 of the Jewish ghettos, and many uprisings in the camps as well. And it still took a combined effort from like, 20 countries to bring down Hitler's regime, so no, assault rifles for the Jews wouldn't have helped. Maybe if Hitler had been a better artist... Nope, still a brainwashing psychopath. Ben Carson isn't a psychopath, but he is a moron of the highest order. And so I say, probably not for the last time: fuck you, Ben Carson.
3) Hey, crazytown Republicans. Planned Parenthood is going to stop receiving reimbursement for its fetal tissue donation costs. I know you (it was a bipartisan bill back then) told them they could do this in fucking 1993, which is apparently a more progressive time than 2015, but they're going to stop. So are you going to shut the fuck up now? No? You're not? Jason Chaffetz says he has unedited video which is going to take months to go through? Cool. All of us (even you) know that the existing video has already been proven by MULTIPLE SOURCES to be deceptive, so let's just all stop pretending that you think PP is selling baby parts to cannibal feminists. You don't care much about women, especially low-income women, and you want to appeal to the religious right, even though you couldn't give less of a shit. It's cool, just be honest. You know it and I know it and anyone with a functioning central nervous system knows it. You don't think that poor people deserve healthcare. You've made that abundantly clear, and this kills two birds with one stone. You get to deny poor people healthcare AND you get to sit on a throne of judgment, which we all know is your absolute favorite thing in the world to do. And what do you get as a reward for screwing over the poor? The religious vote thinks you're pious because you're "pro-life," even though Jesus would probably spit in your face if he saw how you treated the fetus after it was expelled from its mother's womb. This isn't about abortion... not for these guys (and I say guys because they are overwhelmingly men). If their daughters were oopsie-daisy pregnant, you can bet your ass that they'd be the first one in the car on the way to the hospital. Not Planned Parenthood, of course, because that's where the poors go. A PP shutting down doesn't matter to them or anyone they know, and it never would, but it does get them votes from brainwashed voters who can't see past this singular issue. Meanwhile, a scared teenage girl in South Dakota is crying because there is nowhere for her to go, a mother is walking around with undetected cervical cancer, and a woman is going into debt because she needed a pap smear. Not that Chaffetz or any of these other garbage people give a shit. So if you give a shit, please give to Planned Parenthood, and please vote in your state and local elections. And if anyone sees Representative Chaffetz, please make sure to give him a swift kick to the taint for me.
4) I'm going to need to talk about breast cancer now. It's that special time of year when everything turns pink, and we all try to feel good about ourselves by buying stuff. It's very popular. So popular that the NFL even gets in on the pinksploitation, even though we know that they couldn't give less of a shit about the well-being of women. Pink hats, pink mugs, pink dildos... all for breast cancer, not that most of the proceeds go towards research. Look, we're all aware of this disease, and it isn't because someone wore a pink hoodie. We're aware because this disease takes the lives of people we love. A reminder to "save the ta-tas" isn't going to do anything but piss me off, because we shouldn't save BREASTS, we should save women (and men). Taking off your bra all day to "raise awareness" of breast cancer is doing absolutely nothing but giving you attention for fake caring. Stop it. Stop this shit right now, and if you care at all about this, do something that will actually fucking help people. Not to ask you to give money in two separate paragraphs, but go give some damn money. Don't buy a pink thermos, give money. And while you're at it, give money to a reputable charity, not Susan G. Komen, who started all this pink merchandising nonsense, and who ultimately gives much, much less to cancer research than most of its less famous "competitors." Breast Cancer Research Foundation, The Rose, National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc... there are a ton. Just a quick Google search will get you there. And if you can't donate, go knit a hat or a blanket, go hug a survivor or help someone mourn, or at the very least, start calling people on their fake bullshit, because our loved ones deserve better than pinkification and crocodile tears.
Until next week, let us stand united in annoyance.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Special Monday Rant - 10/12/15
A special Monday rant?!?! What is happening? I know, but today always makes me cranky. Christopher Columbus was a dick, and this holiday is bullshit. In case you don't know why, I'm here to spread the hate.
Columbus. Dude, you can't "discover" a place where people have been living for 12,000 years! First of all, this bitch didn't set foot on American soil. Columbus crashed in to the Bahamas somewhere. But even so, millions of native people had already built great civilizations, so he didn't discover SHIT. Just because Columbus didn't know that there was a continent between him and India doesn't make him a discoverer, it makes him bad at research, because the Vikings had already been fishing all over Canada for 300 years.
Also, no one thought the world was flat. People didn't think that in 1492. In fact, anyone with two brain cells to rub together hasn't thought that since the 3rd century. Columbus wasn't sailing around the world on a scientific mission, he was going to India to find treasure, and he was going to split the money with the Queen of Spain. Instead of gold and spices he found something even more profitable: people. Which brings me to the biggest reason Columbus Day is bullshit...
This asshole opened the Atlantic slave trade. It's like this: say you're driving, and you just pulled in to the wrong town. You're totally lost. But the nice folks there offered you directions, a cup of coffee and a nice slice of pie. You notice they aren't immediately pointing weapons at you. What do you do? If you're Christopher Columbus and his band of Merry Assholes, you hunt the town for sport, beating, torturing, raping, and killing the population, and then feed their bodies to your hunting dogs. And if you left anyone alive, you put them on a ship and sent them to Seville, where they are paraded naked through the streets and sold as slaves. Except it's not a town, it's a population of 300,000 native people and Columbus murdered or enslaved about a third of them within four years, before he was taken back to Spain in freaking shackles for being a total piece of human garbage.
And, to paraphrase Louis CK, Columbus was confused enough to call them Indians, and we STILL CALL THEM THAT. What in the actual fuck, America!?!?! And now we give this dickhead a holiday? Let's all agree that this is dumb, and that while it wasn't OK to beat up Italian immigrants in the early 20th century, a holiday based on historic lies wasn't really the best way to to stop that from happening. If you don't want to celebrate Indigenous Peoples Day (which you should, asshole), here are some other great Italians who have much lower body counts: Galileo Galilei, Leonardo da Vinci, Al Capone.
Columbus. Dude, you can't "discover" a place where people have been living for 12,000 years! First of all, this bitch didn't set foot on American soil. Columbus crashed in to the Bahamas somewhere. But even so, millions of native people had already built great civilizations, so he didn't discover SHIT. Just because Columbus didn't know that there was a continent between him and India doesn't make him a discoverer, it makes him bad at research, because the Vikings had already been fishing all over Canada for 300 years.
Also, no one thought the world was flat. People didn't think that in 1492. In fact, anyone with two brain cells to rub together hasn't thought that since the 3rd century. Columbus wasn't sailing around the world on a scientific mission, he was going to India to find treasure, and he was going to split the money with the Queen of Spain. Instead of gold and spices he found something even more profitable: people. Which brings me to the biggest reason Columbus Day is bullshit...
This asshole opened the Atlantic slave trade. It's like this: say you're driving, and you just pulled in to the wrong town. You're totally lost. But the nice folks there offered you directions, a cup of coffee and a nice slice of pie. You notice they aren't immediately pointing weapons at you. What do you do? If you're Christopher Columbus and his band of Merry Assholes, you hunt the town for sport, beating, torturing, raping, and killing the population, and then feed their bodies to your hunting dogs. And if you left anyone alive, you put them on a ship and sent them to Seville, where they are paraded naked through the streets and sold as slaves. Except it's not a town, it's a population of 300,000 native people and Columbus murdered or enslaved about a third of them within four years, before he was taken back to Spain in freaking shackles for being a total piece of human garbage.
And, to paraphrase Louis CK, Columbus was confused enough to call them Indians, and we STILL CALL THEM THAT. What in the actual fuck, America!?!?! And now we give this dickhead a holiday? Let's all agree that this is dumb, and that while it wasn't OK to beat up Italian immigrants in the early 20th century, a holiday based on historic lies wasn't really the best way to to stop that from happening. If you don't want to celebrate Indigenous Peoples Day (which you should, asshole), here are some other great Italians who have much lower body counts: Galileo Galilei, Leonardo da Vinci, Al Capone.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Thursday Rant 10/8/15
Happy Thursday, my friends in crankiness.
1) Texas, you give us a lot of nice things. Chili, barbecue, puffy tacos... Ok, you give us a lot of nice food. But I love food, so I have soft spot in my heart for you, Texas. So when I say that I need you to stop making it so easy for everyone to hate you, you need to know that it comes from a place of love (for your food). Maybe you don't know this, because your education system has been fucked for years, but slaves actually weren't working immigrants! They were people brought to this country by force to toil without compensation or basic human rights. I would maybe mind less (probably not) if you hadn't had this sort of issue before, but you totally have. I know your revisionist history reads like erotic fiction written by Mike Huckabee, but let me go ahead and clear some shit up for you. How does that sound? Ok, so McCarthyism was a bad thing, global warming is real, you are capable of having sex without getting pregnant and dying, and segregation and Jim Crow laws totally existed. Also, the world is a gazillion years old and we didn't walk directly out of God's palm 4,000 years ago on to a fully formed earth where we are the boss of everyone. While we're at it, "under God" was added to the pledge of allegiance in 1954. If he could hear that right now, Thomas Jefferson would probably exorcist-puke all over your face. Oh! Let's not forget about the Civil War. The Civil War was about slavery, you guys. Yes, also state's rights and secession and blah blah blah, but the South wanted to secede because they thought it was awesome to own another human being. "Paying human beings a wage in exchange for goods and services is for suckers!" - The South. Come the fuck on, Texas. Right now you are making me want to saw you off and set you afloat, never to return. I don't want to do that, because I really, really, really like puffy tacos.
2) La la la, dee dee dee, twiddle dee doo dee! Another school shooting by a radical white male loner, can you fucking believe it? Can you believe that gun nuts everywhere are behaving inappropriately? Can you believe politicians are saying asinine, offensive, despicable things about it? Can you even wrap your head around this shit? *sigh* Yeah, me too. 'Murica, I know you love guns like a moth loves the flame, but this is getting fucking ridiculous. I think we all know that Jeb "The Smart One" Bush stupidly said "stuff happens" in reaction to the tragedy, but I'm actually going to point out what Ben Carson said about it. Direct quote from an actual person who is running for president: “I never saw a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking the right to arm ourselves away.” And isn't that really all that we need to know about people who believe this way? Totally unsurprising, since 20 children were murdered in 2012 and our response was to arm kindergarten teachers, but isn't it kind of great to hear the truth come out? Guns > People. Got it. Nice transparency, Carson! So you value owning a firearm over protecting human life... Well, I suppose that you've gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet. And by a few eggs, I mean the 289 people who will be injured or killed by guns today. Say it proudly, gun nuts, and make sure to say it loudly so that I know to stay as far away from you as humanly possible. Also, eat shit. .
3) Hey, did you guys know that Kim Davis is still around? After she pretended she and Cool Pope® were dating and he was all "nah, she's just some girl I know," I thought she would just turn into dust and blow away, but she didn't. And thank the old gods and the new that she's still here, because I just read the best headline ever: "Kim Davis Offered $500K To Star In Lesbian Interracial Porn." And who offered her the cash, you ask? A company called The Dogfart Network. THIS IS REAL, YOU GUYS. I never thought that I'd be siding with any company named after canine flatulence, but I am totally Team Dogfart. They call her behavior "reprehensible" and want to offer her this opportunity for shot at redemption. Dogfart forever! I love them! I assume the plot is something like... a glamorous Gabrielle Union lookalike asks for a marriage certificate, which Kim denies. Then fake Gabrielle throws Kim down on to the clerk's desk, and shows her the life-changing power of the love that dare not speak its name. I assume there will be a gavel used as a dildo or something? Just a guess. Kim hasn't responded, so I can only assume that she is still seriously considering it.
4) Hey, Bill Cosby! You get to go to court and testify tomorrow for sexual abuse AND child sexual abuse. You wanted to get out of doing it, but even your zillion-billion-trillion-dollar, victim-blaming lawyers couldn't stop it from happening. You were stupid enough to keep abusing women until at least 2008, so the joke's on you, asshole. And that 15 year old you molested 40 years ago? She can still sue your sociopath ass. While it took about 40 years too long for you to be brought to justice (at least financially), get ready, Jello Pudding Man. The deposition may be sealed, but it won't be sealed forever. May your wealth be stripped away, may any of the remaining goodwill towards you be torn from you. I wish you could spend the remainder of your days rotting in jail, but I find comfort in knowing that you will die cold, broke, alone, and universally hated. Fuck you and fuck the people who aided you. Fuck the people who turned a blind eye to your crimes. Fuck your wife and her silence. Fuck the people who defended you because they liked a TV show from the 80's. But mostly, fuck you, you rapist bastard. Get your checkbook out. You're gonna need it.
Ahhhhh, I feel so much better! Until next week...
1) Texas, you give us a lot of nice things. Chili, barbecue, puffy tacos... Ok, you give us a lot of nice food. But I love food, so I have soft spot in my heart for you, Texas. So when I say that I need you to stop making it so easy for everyone to hate you, you need to know that it comes from a place of love (for your food). Maybe you don't know this, because your education system has been fucked for years, but slaves actually weren't working immigrants! They were people brought to this country by force to toil without compensation or basic human rights. I would maybe mind less (probably not) if you hadn't had this sort of issue before, but you totally have. I know your revisionist history reads like erotic fiction written by Mike Huckabee, but let me go ahead and clear some shit up for you. How does that sound? Ok, so McCarthyism was a bad thing, global warming is real, you are capable of having sex without getting pregnant and dying, and segregation and Jim Crow laws totally existed. Also, the world is a gazillion years old and we didn't walk directly out of God's palm 4,000 years ago on to a fully formed earth where we are the boss of everyone. While we're at it, "under God" was added to the pledge of allegiance in 1954. If he could hear that right now, Thomas Jefferson would probably exorcist-puke all over your face. Oh! Let's not forget about the Civil War. The Civil War was about slavery, you guys. Yes, also state's rights and secession and blah blah blah, but the South wanted to secede because they thought it was awesome to own another human being. "Paying human beings a wage in exchange for goods and services is for suckers!" - The South. Come the fuck on, Texas. Right now you are making me want to saw you off and set you afloat, never to return. I don't want to do that, because I really, really, really like puffy tacos.
2) La la la, dee dee dee, twiddle dee doo dee! Another school shooting by a radical white male loner, can you fucking believe it? Can you believe that gun nuts everywhere are behaving inappropriately? Can you believe politicians are saying asinine, offensive, despicable things about it? Can you even wrap your head around this shit? *sigh* Yeah, me too. 'Murica, I know you love guns like a moth loves the flame, but this is getting fucking ridiculous. I think we all know that Jeb "The Smart One" Bush stupidly said "stuff happens" in reaction to the tragedy, but I'm actually going to point out what Ben Carson said about it. Direct quote from an actual person who is running for president: “I never saw a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking the right to arm ourselves away.” And isn't that really all that we need to know about people who believe this way? Totally unsurprising, since 20 children were murdered in 2012 and our response was to arm kindergarten teachers, but isn't it kind of great to hear the truth come out? Guns > People. Got it. Nice transparency, Carson! So you value owning a firearm over protecting human life... Well, I suppose that you've gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet. And by a few eggs, I mean the 289 people who will be injured or killed by guns today. Say it proudly, gun nuts, and make sure to say it loudly so that I know to stay as far away from you as humanly possible. Also, eat shit. .
3) Hey, did you guys know that Kim Davis is still around? After she pretended she and Cool Pope® were dating and he was all "nah, she's just some girl I know," I thought she would just turn into dust and blow away, but she didn't. And thank the old gods and the new that she's still here, because I just read the best headline ever: "Kim Davis Offered $500K To Star In Lesbian Interracial Porn." And who offered her the cash, you ask? A company called The Dogfart Network. THIS IS REAL, YOU GUYS. I never thought that I'd be siding with any company named after canine flatulence, but I am totally Team Dogfart. They call her behavior "reprehensible" and want to offer her this opportunity for shot at redemption. Dogfart forever! I love them! I assume the plot is something like... a glamorous Gabrielle Union lookalike asks for a marriage certificate, which Kim denies. Then fake Gabrielle throws Kim down on to the clerk's desk, and shows her the life-changing power of the love that dare not speak its name. I assume there will be a gavel used as a dildo or something? Just a guess. Kim hasn't responded, so I can only assume that she is still seriously considering it.
4) Hey, Bill Cosby! You get to go to court and testify tomorrow for sexual abuse AND child sexual abuse. You wanted to get out of doing it, but even your zillion-billion-trillion-dollar, victim-blaming lawyers couldn't stop it from happening. You were stupid enough to keep abusing women until at least 2008, so the joke's on you, asshole. And that 15 year old you molested 40 years ago? She can still sue your sociopath ass. While it took about 40 years too long for you to be brought to justice (at least financially), get ready, Jello Pudding Man. The deposition may be sealed, but it won't be sealed forever. May your wealth be stripped away, may any of the remaining goodwill towards you be torn from you. I wish you could spend the remainder of your days rotting in jail, but I find comfort in knowing that you will die cold, broke, alone, and universally hated. Fuck you and fuck the people who aided you. Fuck the people who turned a blind eye to your crimes. Fuck your wife and her silence. Fuck the people who defended you because they liked a TV show from the 80's. But mostly, fuck you, you rapist bastard. Get your checkbook out. You're gonna need it.
Ahhhhh, I feel so much better! Until next week...
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Thursday Rant 10/1/15
Happy October, haters. Today's rant is going to be about one thing, and one thing only. Sorry, but I just had so much to say. It's about the Planned Parenthood hearings. I just can't NOT scream about it.
Did you guys watch this shit?! Cecile Richards is a hero for a million different reasons, but the biggest this week is that she didn't spit in anyone's face during her testimony. Holy shit. If someone talked to me like that, my eyes would have turned black and I would have levitated, spraying menstrual blood all over their faces while I screamed the scream of a thousand disenfranchised women. But thankfully Cecile Richards is a better person than I am.
At this point, I'm going to assume that you guys all know that this "investigation" is a farce, based on thoroughly debunked videos. If you don't, please stop being an ignoramus and read the news for 30 seconds. It's silly to go on ranting about the millions of billions of lies and fake reports and fucking graphs without a Y-axis, because we all know that this is bibbity-bobbity-bullshit, ok? But I'm going to need to talk about these fucking Congressmen who are running this "investigation." I say CongressMEN, because the people berating a healthcare organization for low income women on Monday were pretty much exclusively Republican men. Can you believe it?!?! The most mature GOP lawmaker was the dude from Tennessee who gave his time to someone else, probably because he infamously pressured his wife and his mistress to have abortions.
And somehow they are all the worst type of men: Interrupting Mansplainers. If you're a lady (particularly an outspoken one), you're immediately going to know what I'm talking about, but if you're a man, you might not have experienced this before. (Unnecessary disclaimer, lest someone accuse me of misandry: I love men. I know and love many men, sluttily and non-sluttily. Shut up.)
So what's an Interrupting Mansplainer, you ask? I'm happy to tell you. In his most unassuming form, he's the guy who asks you what your favorite book is, and when you start to answer he interrupts you to tell you about the genius of Catcher in the Rye. (Side note: I love Holden Caulfield as much as the next person, but if your date idolizes him, RUN. Run as fast as you can.) In his more annoying form, he appears as the guy who loudly interrupts you about a subject you are already an expert on so he can explain it to you (see: Matt Damon interrupting Effie Brown to "school" her about diversity). In his worst form, he's a member of Congress who asks you a belligerent question, and when you try to answer it he immediately starts answering his own question, talking over you and giving false information. In short, it's the kind of man who 20 years ago would have called you "little lady."
There are two types found in the wild: the fake-intellectual and the entitled-asshole. Some are both. Beware. BEWARE.
So now that you can see that shit for what it is, I'd love for you to attempt to watch the PP hearings. Just give it a try. If you're at all sensitive to it, you'll be crying with rage withing 5 minutes. I'll wait.
Here's a tissue. I know. It's infuriating. The esteemed representative from Arizona, Paul Gosar (Republican, can you believe it!?) literally yelled at her for answering a question that he asked her, saying "this is my time! This is my time, so don't interrupt it." And really... that's all you need to know about how this shit went on Monday. This isn't about the moral issue of abortion or misuse of funds or anything close to that. This is about these assholes trying to slap Cecile Richards with their dicks because the thought of a woman having control over her own choices threatens what little is left of their tiny sliver of manhood. How sad. How utterly pathetic.
And because these jackoffs can't bear to feel powerless, because they want to pander to their pro-life constituents, because they choose to believe a libelous video made by a radical group instead of facts, they are willing to cut off healthcare to an estimated 650,000 low income women. That's what they think of you, ladies.
I encourage you to volunteer, or donate, or sign a petition, or help in any way you can.
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/
Did you guys watch this shit?! Cecile Richards is a hero for a million different reasons, but the biggest this week is that she didn't spit in anyone's face during her testimony. Holy shit. If someone talked to me like that, my eyes would have turned black and I would have levitated, spraying menstrual blood all over their faces while I screamed the scream of a thousand disenfranchised women. But thankfully Cecile Richards is a better person than I am.
At this point, I'm going to assume that you guys all know that this "investigation" is a farce, based on thoroughly debunked videos. If you don't, please stop being an ignoramus and read the news for 30 seconds. It's silly to go on ranting about the millions of billions of lies and fake reports and fucking graphs without a Y-axis, because we all know that this is bibbity-bobbity-bullshit, ok? But I'm going to need to talk about these fucking Congressmen who are running this "investigation." I say CongressMEN, because the people berating a healthcare organization for low income women on Monday were pretty much exclusively Republican men. Can you believe it?!?! The most mature GOP lawmaker was the dude from Tennessee who gave his time to someone else, probably because he infamously pressured his wife and his mistress to have abortions.
And somehow they are all the worst type of men: Interrupting Mansplainers. If you're a lady (particularly an outspoken one), you're immediately going to know what I'm talking about, but if you're a man, you might not have experienced this before. (Unnecessary disclaimer, lest someone accuse me of misandry: I love men. I know and love many men, sluttily and non-sluttily. Shut up.)
So what's an Interrupting Mansplainer, you ask? I'm happy to tell you. In his most unassuming form, he's the guy who asks you what your favorite book is, and when you start to answer he interrupts you to tell you about the genius of Catcher in the Rye. (Side note: I love Holden Caulfield as much as the next person, but if your date idolizes him, RUN. Run as fast as you can.) In his more annoying form, he appears as the guy who loudly interrupts you about a subject you are already an expert on so he can explain it to you (see: Matt Damon interrupting Effie Brown to "school" her about diversity). In his worst form, he's a member of Congress who asks you a belligerent question, and when you try to answer it he immediately starts answering his own question, talking over you and giving false information. In short, it's the kind of man who 20 years ago would have called you "little lady."
There are two types found in the wild: the fake-intellectual and the entitled-asshole. Some are both. Beware. BEWARE.
So now that you can see that shit for what it is, I'd love for you to attempt to watch the PP hearings. Just give it a try. If you're at all sensitive to it, you'll be crying with rage withing 5 minutes. I'll wait.
Here's a tissue. I know. It's infuriating. The esteemed representative from Arizona, Paul Gosar (Republican, can you believe it!?) literally yelled at her for answering a question that he asked her, saying "this is my time! This is my time, so don't interrupt it." And really... that's all you need to know about how this shit went on Monday. This isn't about the moral issue of abortion or misuse of funds or anything close to that. This is about these assholes trying to slap Cecile Richards with their dicks because the thought of a woman having control over her own choices threatens what little is left of their tiny sliver of manhood. How sad. How utterly pathetic.
And because these jackoffs can't bear to feel powerless, because they want to pander to their pro-life constituents, because they choose to believe a libelous video made by a radical group instead of facts, they are willing to cut off healthcare to an estimated 650,000 low income women. That's what they think of you, ladies.
I encourage you to volunteer, or donate, or sign a petition, or help in any way you can.
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/
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