Essential Halloween Viewing

Hi haters! I know this isn't my usual thing, but I've got to spread the Halloween joy. This is my Christmas, you guys. The weather is perfect, little kids are dressed up as killer clowns, I get to binge on candy, and while I watch horror movies all year, this is obviously the best season for it. If you're an amateur horror viewer, I'm here to help. I've got all the horror genres that I totally just made up covered and I've sorted it by fright level, so there's something for everyone. Go hop on over to Netflix, pop some corn, and get ready, bitches.

Here are your fright levels:
Scaredy-Cat, for those of you who have nightmares from Law & Order
Moderate, for all those who have only seen The Exorcist at slumber parties.
Badass, for the bravest among us, with the strongest stomachs.
Film Snob, for jerks who think Freddy Kruger is gauche.

Haunted House 
Scaredy-Cat: The House on Haunted Hill. Vincent Price + Skeletons hanging from fishing line. It's awesome and I could watch it at age 10, nightmare-free.
Moderate: The Haunting. This is an old classic, but don't let its age fool you. It is genuinely scary without gore or special effects.
Badass: The Conjuring. It's new(ish) and it's scary as fuck. Who knew clapping was so scary?
Film Snob: The Orphanage. It's foreign, which I know you love, you asshole. It's also scary and beautiful and touching.

Masked Madmen
Scaredy-Cat: Halloween. Ok, so this maybe belongs in the Moderate category, but it is so great. There's almost no gore, and you get to see boobies. Nut up, you can take it.
Moderate: Scream. Worth watching for the opening sequence alone. Bye bye, Drew.
Badass: The Strangers. You'll never answer the door at night again.
Film Snob: Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I don't know why, but this is the right choice.


I Vant To Suck Your Blood
Scaredy-Cat: Fright Night. 80's camp with Prince Humperdink as the vampire. It's funny and just a little scary. Perfect.
Moderate: The Lost Boys. Everyone loves this movie. EVERYONE.
Badass: Near Dark. Truly one of the only bloodsucker movies to ever unsettle me. It's a gory vampire western. Get into it.
Film Snob: A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night. It's absolutely beautiful, you pretentious fuck. (Runners up include Let The Right One In, Nosferatu, and The Hunger. There are a lot of stylish vampire flicks.)

Braaaaaains
Scaredy-Cat: Shaun of The Dead. There are plenty of scares and lotsa gore (it's zombies, for fuck's sake), but you'll be able to break it up by laughing. A lot. One of my favorites.
Moderate: Night of The Living Dead. Ignore the terrible line delivery. It doesn't matter. This is just as scary today as it was when it first came out.
Badass: 28 Days Later. Fast zombies are awful, but the other survivors might be worse.
Film Snob: Dead Alive, because you know you want to see Peter Jackson's first real film. Bring a vomit bucket, because the blood is flowing freely in this one.

Horror for LOLZ
Scaredy-Cat: Slither. I love this movie. Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but hilarious. Bonus points for Nathan Fillion hotness.
Moderate: Tucker & Dale vs. Evil. A great send up of Hillbilly Killer movies. Double bonus points for Alan Tudyk.
Badass: Evil Dead 2. One of my top 5 favorite movies ever. Perfect in every way. Follow it with Army of Darkness for the ultimate evening. On second thought, just watch the whole trilogy, because it's perfection.
Film Snob: American Psycho. More of a satire, if you're going to be a dick about it.

Torture Porn
Scaredy-Cat: Oh honey, no. Don't watch this. Really, no one should watch this.
Moderate: Saw. The original torture porn... it seems almost tame now.
Badass: Hostel. So gross. So satisfying.
Film Snob: The Devil's Rejects. To be honest, this movie made me ill. You'd like it.

Slashers
Scaredy-Cat: Sleepaway Camp. This won't scare you, but you'll never forget the ending.
Moderate: Friday the 13th. Once you see it you'll be able to live for an extra 15 seconds in Scream.
Badass: Black Christmas. My favorite. The stores already have Christmas trees up anyway, so why not watch Margot Kidder get stabbed while carolers sing?
Film Snob: Opera. It's Dario Argento, so it's sickening and beautiful.

Witches and Warlocks
Scaredy-Cat: The Witches. 7 year old me just about lost my mind at this movie, but you should be able to handle it. (Runner up: Hocus Pocus, because it's awesome.)
Moderate: The Craft. Good campy fun, with a great final magic battle. Teen me loved this.
Badass: Suspiria. Another beautiful and horrible Argento about witches in a ballet school. It's like a vivid nightmare.
Film Snob: Rosemary's Baby. Mia Farrow has the worst fucking neighbors.

Devils & Demons
Scaredy-Cat: Bless your heart, there is nothing for you here. Just watch Hocus Pocus again.
Moderate: The Omen. Gregory Peck's adopted son is the Antichrist. After watching this, you will immediately hate anyone named Damien.
Badass: The Exorcist. I know you've seen it, and I don't care. Watch her crabwalk down the stairs again and then try to tell me that this isn't scary.
Film Snob: The House of The Devil. Early Ti West. You can say you saw it before everyone else. Plus it's awesome.

**Edited because it broke my heart to leave out so many of my favorites**

Fucked Up Families
Scaredy-Cat: Matilda. More Roald Dahl, who fed my need for horror as a wee thing. Child abuse + Miss Trunchbull + supernatural powers. It's like Carrie before the prom. Speaking of...
Moderate: Carrie. Poor, poor Carrie. You'll want to hug your mom after this one. Bonus points for blowing up John Travolta.
Badass: Frailty. Thank heavens a friend reminded me of just how good this film is. Demons are real. Maybe.
Film Snob: Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Joan Crawford sits around while Bette Davis chews the scenery. "I've Written A Letter to Daddy" and it was about holding my handicapped sister hostage.

Home Invasion
Scaredy-Cats: When A Stranger Calls. Admittedly this is going to scare the shit out of you, but it's going to be OK! You already know the story (the calls are coming from inside the house!), and it stars young Carol Kane, so when you get too scared, just pretend you're watching Scrooged.
Moderate: You're Next. A great twist with a badass Final Girl. Worth the watch.
Badass: The Last House on the Left. Not the shitty remake, the original Wes Craven shocker. A brutal reminder of the violence we are ALL capable of.
Film Snob: Straw Dogs. Dustin Hoffman moves to England to get away from American violence, but it backfires royally. Trigger warning for a terrible rape scene. (Runners up: A Clockwork Orange, Funny Games)

Killer Kids
Scaredy-Cats: Children of the Corn. Outlander! OUTLANDER! A highly ridiculous Stephen King adaptation. This is great fun with minimal nightmare-inducing scenes. (Runner up: The Bad Seed)
Moderate: The Ring/Ringu. They're both great, and you'll never sleep again.
Badass: Orphan. I will say very little about it, other than that you should maybe not adopt a kid from Russia.
Film Snob: The Brood. Killer deformed children develop as a manifestation of a woman's rage. You're going to love this shit.

Body Horror
Scaredy-Cats: Teeth. If you're a straight dude, you might find this more horrifying. A girl with Vagina Dentata takes out rapists.
Moderate: The Fly. The Jeff Goldblum Fly, to be exact. Get your barfbag ready. (Runner up: Hellraiser)
Badass: The Thing. Claustrophobic, intelligent, and full of gooey, sticky gore. It's maybe an allegory for the AIDS epidemic or the Reagan administration or something, but I like when the blood jumps out of the petrie dish. (Runner up: Re-Animator)
Film Snob: Videodrome. Get grossed out AND feel superior to those who are too reliant on technology (you probably don't even own a TV).

Shakey Cam/Found Footage
Scaredy-Cat: Lake Mungo. When Alice drowns and paranormal activity starts in their home, her family goes searching for answers via cameras, psychics, and everything else. It's more about the hole that is left when a loved one dies than anything else.
Moderate: Grave Encounters. The total opposite of Lake Mungo. A fun send up of terrible ghost hunter TV shows, with some genuine scares.
Badass: VHS/VHS 2. Damn good short films held together by a thin robbery plot. Some are better than others, but overall it's a helluva ride. Standouts include The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger, Amateur Night, and Safe Haven.
Film Snob: The Poughkeepsie Tapes. Strap on your big boy pants.

Stuff I Left Out
Scaredy-Cats: Cabin in the Woods. You'll be scared, but you'll also love Joss Whedon's trademark snark, along with some great performances. It's horror, it's comedy, it's sci-fi, it's awesome.
Moderate: The Shining. So Stephen King hates it. So it's oversimplified and a they made Wendy into a sobbing pushover. Don't care, because it's so great. Unforgettable. (Runner up: The Babadook)
Badass: It Follows. A sexually transmitted supernatural force that only you can see? Count me in.
Film Snob: Hitchcock. Psycho is the most obvious Halloween choice, but I've always had a soft spot for Vertigo.

Anything I left out? Anything that you love or hate? Let me know, but know that I'm right and you're wrong.

Later this week we get a GUEST BLOG from my old friend Kate, who will tell us all about some more awesome underground horror!

Happy viewing!