First of all, Happy (Belated) Back To The Future Day! It was a slow news week, but I found some realness for you.
1) Holy shit, did you guys see the new Star Wars trailer?!?! We've all been waiting for it for months, and it looks so good! Everyone loves Star Wars! Conservative, liberal, gay, straight, old, young.... Finally, something to bring the whole country together! Nothing could possibly ruin thi- Oh. Oh, a few White Men® are freaking out because there is a black guy in it? Nevermind, everything is still the fucking worst. I'm not making this up, you guys. Apparently I watched the trailer wrong, because it's not about The Force or lightsabers or old Harrison Ford, it's about white genocide. I know, I missed it at first, too! But someone has to stand up for the underrepresented White Men® of this world, and if I don't then who will. So for those of you who want to be sensitive about this Very Important Issue, I'm here to help. A good way to tell that a movie is racist against White Men® is to look at the casting. You see, if there are any people of color appearing on the screen for longer than .5 seconds, then that movie is anti-white. And Star Wars isn't just racist, it's sexist, too! Did you know that one of the leads is a woman? They even let her talk, and I'm pretty sure we won't get to see her tits. I'm sorry but this will not stand. Congratulations, Star Wars. You just lost the white supremacist nerd vote. Enjoy your flop of a film. #boycottstarwarsvii
2) Remember Paul Ryan? He likes to do P90X and apparently is like, a congressman or something? I guess he's going to take John "Tan Mom" Boehner's place as Speaker of the House! Good for him? Maybe? Nobody wants this job, but Paul Ryan is here for us now. But like anyone who is holding people hostage, he has issued a list of demands. And these demands have made him hated by the Freedom Caucus. So if you don't know who they are, they're the ULTRA-MEGA-CONSERVATIVES in Congress. The Tea Baggers. Like, they're the guys who think that Paul Ryan is way too liberal to be Speaker. Those dudes. Almost all of his demands involve him forcing them to support him and no promising them anything. But there are only like, 10 of them, so how bad could that be? Oh, that could shut this whole thing down? Cool. Greatest country in the world. But don't worry, fellow liberals. Even though we share a common enemy, you can still hate on Paul Ryan, too. His other demand was that he get to spend time with his family. Aww! I actually like that, but I'm gonna hate on it, and here's why: Paul Ryan would like family leave, but he also would not like others to have family leave. Womp-womp. Buddy, you shot down paid parental leave both in the public and private sectors and you voted for deep cuts to childcare subsidies for low income families, but I'm so glad that you get to fly home every weekend to spend that time with your three young children. How very fortunate for you. You know, if you had a better record of giving a shit about anyone but yourself, you'd be a hero for this. Seriously. But you don't, broseph. You don't. You want a special something that you don't want to share with others, but the rest of us learned how to do that in kindergarten. So either hop on the Basic Human Decency Bus, or go back to idolizing Ayn Rand and keep your mouth shut.
3) I'm not going to lie, but I kind of forgot that Jeb Bush was running for president. I get so distracted by Donald Trump and Ben Carson that I forget about the dude in the glasses a little bit. But dude is turning it up a little. He's got way more money than anyone else, and he does kind of seem like the only dude who wouldn't fill the White House with hookers and pictures of Jesus, so that's good. He let us know that he would like to fuck the actress who plays Supergirl, so that's awkward. He even got his bro George W. to come to some campaign stuff, who established himself as the ex-president who gives the least of a shit about anything. It's so great. Everyone else is out there doing humanitarian work or something, and GWB is just hanging out at home, painting shitty pictures of Putin. I love it. But he came out of hiding the other day, and while I'm sure he said some other stuff, the only thing I remember is that he threw shade at Ted Cruz. "I just don't like the guy." Awwww, SNAP! Ted Cruz used to work for GWB! Dude, that's cold. It is universally known that Ted Cruz has the most punchable face in Washington, but how shitty of a person do you have to be to have GWB not like you. I imagine GWB as kind of a Labrador Retriever. He's sort of stupid and drooly and eager to please and he likes everybody immediately. Dude likes Dick Cheney, who is essentially a modern day Emperor Palpatine, but even he doesn't like Ted Cruz! He can barely fucking string two words together, but he managed to say that he doesn't like Ted Cruz. It just makes me so happy, you guys. I knew no one liked that Eddie Munster-looking fool, but now I have proof. GWB proof.
4) I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this, but did you know that those Planned Parenthood smear videos are heavily edited in order to be deceptive? And that the footage of a fully-formed fetus isn't from an abortion, it's from a stillborn birth? And did you know that PP just decided not to take reimbursement for tissue donation costs so everyone will shut up but somehow no one is? I'm trying to spread the knowledge, because apparently a few people haven't heard yet. Ohio voted to defund Planned Parenthood last night and Texas cut off Medicaid funding to PP, because apparently nothing will stop the war on low income men, women, and children. Really, what else can I say about this that hasn't already been said? It's hard to come up with more arguments, but I also won't ever shut up about this. LOL Texas, what are you even doing? You know there is a federal law that prevents you from denying Medicaid funding to abortion providers, right? It's been struck down in every state that has tried to pull that shit, so don't pretend that this is anything but you jerking off conservative groups. At this point the jerking off isn't really worth anything. As Frank Reynolds once said to Gail the Snail: "Stop, you're just mashing it now." So can we stop with this shit? I know you hate poor people. I know that just like Paul Ryan, you don't care about things until they directly affect you. But can you choose someone else to take a shit on for a little while? Low-income women are practically buried under your feces. At least let them go get a fucking pap smear.
Until next week...
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