Happy Thursday to all my comrades in hate. Let's get this party started.
1) The Democratic debate was disappointingly civil and no one said anything that offensive and the lies were miniscule, but I want to talk really quickly about Jim Webb, because what the fuck, you guys? So this dude spends all night bitching about not being able to talk. I get it, I'd probably be pissy, too, especially if even Lincoln "perma-smile" Chafee got more time than me. If this was high school, Hilary would be prom queen, Bernie would be valedictorian, O'Malley would be lead in the school play, and Chafee would be that weird guy in your bio class who always somehow ended up being your lab partner and when you did the project where you had to have a theoretical baby together to talk about dominant genes he took it way too seriously and creeped you out. Webb would be the guy that had a psychotic break junior year and was never heard from again until you saw him 10 years later working at an Arby's. Why do I say that? Because when he finally got to speak, he made a joke about how he killed a guy who threw a grenade at him. Badass as that is... Dude, you're not at the Republican debate. That shit would have elicited a zillion cheers were you debating Donald Trump, but it's not going to go over well with the patchouli-stink Bernie Sanders crowd or the well-groomed, anti-war Clinton crowd. And I assume whatever crowds are supporting these other dudes wouldn't like it either. So it was nice knowing you, Jim Webb. I had zero idea who you were, and now I do. And I think you're frightening. Mission accomplished?
2) Quick history lesson: did you know that the Jews could have totally stopped the Holocaust if they had been heavily armed? That's a Ben Carson truth, and you know it's true because he's a brain surgeon, and brain surgeons are smart. Just kidding, this guy is a fucking idiot. Ben Carson, you have now officially surpassed Trump in terms of dumbassery. And since being as much like a drunk uncle at a barbecue as you can seems like a prerequisite for running for the Republican nomination, congratulations! Look, it's bad enough that you think that victims of a mass shooting just sat there while they got assassinated (and you'd NEVER do that), but the Holocaust... really? Really, dude?? It's like this shitstain thinks that all the Jews in Germany just happily skipped out of their homes, suitcase in hand, directly in to the gas chambers. If Ben Carson would have stayed awake in class or read half of a third of a quarter of a textbook, he would know that there were uprisings in at least 100 of the Jewish ghettos, and many uprisings in the camps as well. And it still took a combined effort from like, 20 countries to bring down Hitler's regime, so no, assault rifles for the Jews wouldn't have helped. Maybe if Hitler had been a better artist... Nope, still a brainwashing psychopath. Ben Carson isn't a psychopath, but he is a moron of the highest order. And so I say, probably not for the last time: fuck you, Ben Carson.
3) Hey, crazytown Republicans. Planned Parenthood is going to stop receiving reimbursement for its fetal tissue donation costs. I know you (it was a bipartisan bill back then) told them they could do this in fucking 1993, which is apparently a more progressive time than 2015, but they're going to stop. So are you going to shut the fuck up now? No? You're not? Jason Chaffetz says he has unedited video which is going to take months to go through? Cool. All of us (even you) know that the existing video has already been proven by MULTIPLE SOURCES to be deceptive, so let's just all stop pretending that you think PP is selling baby parts to cannibal feminists. You don't care much about women, especially low-income women, and you want to appeal to the religious right, even though you couldn't give less of a shit. It's cool, just be honest. You know it and I know it and anyone with a functioning central nervous system knows it. You don't think that poor people deserve healthcare. You've made that abundantly clear, and this kills two birds with one stone. You get to deny poor people healthcare AND you get to sit on a throne of judgment, which we all know is your absolute favorite thing in the world to do. And what do you get as a reward for screwing over the poor? The religious vote thinks you're pious because you're "pro-life," even though Jesus would probably spit in your face if he saw how you treated the fetus after it was expelled from its mother's womb. This isn't about abortion... not for these guys (and I say guys because they are overwhelmingly men). If their daughters were oopsie-daisy pregnant, you can bet your ass that they'd be the first one in the car on the way to the hospital. Not Planned Parenthood, of course, because that's where the poors go. A PP shutting down doesn't matter to them or anyone they know, and it never would, but it does get them votes from brainwashed voters who can't see past this singular issue. Meanwhile, a scared teenage girl in South Dakota is crying because there is nowhere for her to go, a mother is walking around with undetected cervical cancer, and a woman is going into debt because she needed a pap smear. Not that Chaffetz or any of these other garbage people give a shit. So if you give a shit, please give to Planned Parenthood, and please vote in your state and local elections. And if anyone sees Representative Chaffetz, please make sure to give him a swift kick to the taint for me.
4) I'm going to need to talk about breast cancer now. It's that special time of year when everything turns pink, and we all try to feel good about ourselves by buying stuff. It's very popular. So popular that the NFL even gets in on the pinksploitation, even though we know that they couldn't give less of a shit about the well-being of women. Pink hats, pink mugs, pink dildos... all for breast cancer, not that most of the proceeds go towards research. Look, we're all aware of this disease, and it isn't because someone wore a pink hoodie. We're aware because this disease takes the lives of people we love. A reminder to "save the ta-tas" isn't going to do anything but piss me off, because we shouldn't save BREASTS, we should save women (and men). Taking off your bra all day to "raise awareness" of breast cancer is doing absolutely nothing but giving you attention for fake caring. Stop it. Stop this shit right now, and if you care at all about this, do something that will actually fucking help people. Not to ask you to give money in two separate paragraphs, but go give some damn money. Don't buy a pink thermos, give money. And while you're at it, give money to a reputable charity, not Susan G. Komen, who started all this pink merchandising nonsense, and who ultimately gives much, much less to cancer research than most of its less famous "competitors." Breast Cancer Research Foundation, The Rose, National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc... there are a ton. Just a quick Google search will get you there. And if you can't donate, go knit a hat or a blanket, go hug a survivor or help someone mourn, or at the very least, start calling people on their fake bullshit, because our loved ones deserve better than pinkification and crocodile tears.
Until next week, let us stand united in annoyance.
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