Happy Thursday, my friends in crankiness.
1) Texas, you give us a lot of nice things. Chili, barbecue, puffy tacos... Ok, you give us a lot of nice food. But I love food, so I have soft spot in my heart for you, Texas. So when I say that I need you to stop making it so easy for everyone to hate you, you need to know that it comes from a place of love (for your food). Maybe you don't know this, because your education system has been fucked for years, but slaves actually weren't working immigrants! They were people brought to this country by force to toil without compensation or basic human rights. I would maybe mind less (probably not) if you hadn't had this sort of issue before, but you totally have. I know your revisionist history reads like erotic fiction written by Mike Huckabee, but let me go ahead and clear some shit up for you. How does that sound? Ok, so McCarthyism was a bad thing, global warming is real, you are capable of having sex without getting pregnant and dying, and segregation and Jim Crow laws totally existed. Also, the world is a gazillion years old and we didn't walk directly out of God's palm 4,000 years ago on to a fully formed earth where we are the boss of everyone. While we're at it, "under God" was added to the pledge of allegiance in 1954. If he could hear that right now, Thomas Jefferson would probably exorcist-puke all over your face. Oh! Let's not forget about the Civil War. The Civil War was about slavery, you guys. Yes, also state's rights and secession and blah blah blah, but the South wanted to secede because they thought it was awesome to own another human being. "Paying human beings a wage in exchange for goods and services is for suckers!" - The South. Come the fuck on, Texas. Right now you are making me want to saw you off and set you afloat, never to return. I don't want to do that, because I really, really, really like puffy tacos.
2) La la la, dee dee dee, twiddle dee doo dee! Another school shooting by a radical white male loner, can you fucking believe it? Can you believe that gun nuts everywhere are behaving inappropriately? Can you believe politicians are saying asinine, offensive, despicable things about it? Can you even wrap your head around this shit? *sigh* Yeah, me too. 'Murica, I know you love guns like a moth loves the flame, but this is getting fucking ridiculous. I think we all know that Jeb "The Smart One" Bush stupidly said "stuff happens" in reaction to the tragedy, but I'm actually going to point out what Ben Carson said about it. Direct quote from an actual person who is running for president: “I never saw a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking the right to arm ourselves away.” And isn't that really all that we need to know about people who believe this way? Totally unsurprising, since 20 children were murdered in 2012 and our response was to arm kindergarten teachers, but isn't it kind of great to hear the truth come out? Guns > People. Got it. Nice transparency, Carson! So you value owning a firearm over protecting human life... Well, I suppose that you've gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet. And by a few eggs, I mean the 289 people who will be injured or killed by guns today. Say it proudly, gun nuts, and make sure to say it loudly so that I know to stay as far away from you as humanly possible. Also, eat shit. .
3) Hey, did you guys know that Kim Davis is still around? After she pretended she and Cool Pope® were dating and he was all "nah, she's just some girl I know," I thought she would just turn into dust and blow away, but she didn't. And thank the old gods and the new that she's still here, because I just read the best headline ever: "Kim Davis Offered $500K To Star In Lesbian Interracial Porn." And who offered her the cash, you ask? A company called The Dogfart Network. THIS IS REAL, YOU GUYS. I never thought that I'd be siding with any company named after canine flatulence, but I am totally Team Dogfart. They call her behavior "reprehensible" and want to offer her this opportunity for shot at redemption. Dogfart forever! I love them! I assume the plot is something like... a glamorous Gabrielle Union lookalike asks for a marriage certificate, which Kim denies. Then fake Gabrielle throws Kim down on to the clerk's desk, and shows her the life-changing power of the love that dare not speak its name. I assume there will be a gavel used as a dildo or something? Just a guess. Kim hasn't responded, so I can only assume that she is still seriously considering it.
4) Hey, Bill Cosby! You get to go to court and testify tomorrow for sexual abuse AND child sexual abuse. You wanted to get out of doing it, but even your zillion-billion-trillion-dollar, victim-blaming lawyers couldn't stop it from happening. You were stupid enough to keep abusing women until at least 2008, so the joke's on you, asshole. And that 15 year old you molested 40 years ago? She can still sue your sociopath ass. While it took about 40 years too long for you to be brought to justice (at least financially), get ready, Jello Pudding Man. The deposition may be sealed, but it won't be sealed forever. May your wealth be stripped away, may any of the remaining goodwill towards you be torn from you. I wish you could spend the remainder of your days rotting in jail, but I find comfort in knowing that you will die cold, broke, alone, and universally hated. Fuck you and fuck the people who aided you. Fuck the people who turned a blind eye to your crimes. Fuck your wife and her silence. Fuck the people who defended you because they liked a TV show from the 80's. But mostly, fuck you, you rapist bastard. Get your checkbook out. You're gonna need it.
Ahhhhh, I feel so much better! Until next week...
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