Thursday Rant 9/24/15

It has been a helluva hate-filled week, you guys. 

1) Clearly I'm going to start with the House voting to defund Planned Parenthood. I would apologize for writing about this every single week, but it isn't my fault that the world is full of idiots. I can barely even rant, I'm so exhausted by their stupidity. I'm ready to weep with frustration. Once again, Planned Parenthood doesn't murder babies and sell their brains to the Taliban or whatever the fuck you are accusing them of. It has been proven that those videos are deceptive. OMG THEY ARE SO FAKE, YOU GUYS. For fuck's sake, Fox News even said they were deceptive. FOX NEWS. And the use of fetal tissue for research was originally backed by a whole bunch of these Republican fools, so why are they mad that PP is doing something that THEY voted PP be able to do?!?! And you guys, you can't use federal funding for abortion. I repeat: you can't use federal funding for abortion. It's illegal, and PP is not doing that.  Republican voters, (whoever you are... I know like, 3 of you), how can you not see what they are doing? Can you not see that they are using a controversial issue like abortion (or immigration, or marriage equality) to get you to ignore the fact that after they are elected they will vote against your best interest? How do you not see this? How? 650,000 (estimated) women will lose complete access to reproductive healthcare, and these clowns are more than willing to see that as collateral damage so they can get what they want. That's 650,000 women who will go without family planning services, breast exams, pelvic exams, STD testing, cancer screenings, AIDS testing, adoption referrals, general family practice, and (yes) abortions. And look, I know they will not defund PP. It will never pass the Senate and President Obama will not stand for it. But women (and men, and EVERYONE), take a look at how many of you they are willing to fuck over to get elected. Take a long look at that, and get angry. I sure am. 

2) *Sigh* Martin Shkreli. This scumbag makes me violent. Price gouging AIDS and cancer patients who already pay thousands monthly for their medication? 5,000 damned percent?!?  Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. Withthisshit? (I know he lowered the price after his public shaming, but Daraprim will still go up in price substantially, so continue to point your middle fingers at this assclown.) This manchild seriously tweeted Eminem lyrics in his own defense. EMINEM LYRICS. Is it 2006? You are an (alleged) adult who is running a corporation and you are using Marshall Mathers' lyrics as a defense? Jesus. I (and the rest of America) want to punch him right in his arrogant little rat face. But perhaps singling out this toolbox for his greed isn't entirely fair. Not that Shkreli doesn't deserve a swift kick to the taint, but it isn't as if this kind of shit isn't totally commonplace. Because pharmaceutical companies pay each other to not make affordable generics so they can keep rolling in sweet, sweet cancer patient dough. THAT IS A THING THAT IS TOTALLY LEGAL BECAUSE CAPITALISM. I looked it up, and keeping drugs expensive apparently costs us about $3 billion dollars a year. I'm so glad they're spending money on keeping money for themselves instead of spending money on more research or financial aid or LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE. America: where we value a vague set of capitalist principals over the welfare of our own people. Privatize everything! America is number one! But also fuck this guy and his polo shirts and $300 haircut that still looks like he got it done at Great Clips.

3) OK, so I just found something out this week. Apparently being politically correct is a bad thing! I know, it doesn't make sense to me either. Let me break it down for you. So like... being respectful of other people is not what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to just fire off all of your racist/bigoted/misogynistic thoughts like you're Drunk Uncle Randy at Thanksgiving, and we are supposed to like it, because offending people is awesome now. I found that out from a sentient piece of cornsilk named Donald Trump and an actual doctor who has done brain surgery named Ben Carson. They really set me straight. So I thought that saying that a Muslim should never be elected President made you a dick, but I was wrong. I thought agreeing with the statement "we have a problem with this country: it's called Muslims" made you a total asshole, but apparently it doesn't. Apparently embracing bigotry against an entire culture of people you know nothing about doesn't make you a dick at all. It makes you a folk hero because political correctness is a bad thing. Being a complete pile of feces is a good thing. Act accordingly. 

4) Apparently Scott Walked dropped out of the race this week. When reached for comment, Americans everywhere said Who?" "Was he running?" and "Is that the dude who hates unions? Yeah, fuck that guy." 

5) Hey, Pope Francis. I like you, dude. For a Pope, you seem like a pretty decent guy, spreading the good news and helping the poor and accepting the nonbelievers and the gays and the divorced. You even believe in Climate Change! You've still got a major woman problem, but I'm willing to overlook that for the moment.  But could you do me a favor? Could you not come to New York City tomorrow? I know that a ton of people want to see you, but most of us don't, and you're totally ruining all of our lives right now. We are shutting down like, 100 blocks of road for you. Bro, that is so much. So much! It's on a FRIDAY.  A Friday at 5:00 PM. For a Cool Pope®, that is a supremely uncool move. Do you know how many people are going to be leaving work then? All they want to do is take off their pants and drink beer and eat Cheetos while they watch The Big Bang Theory and pretend it's funny, and you are going to make that so difficult, man. Francie (can I call you Francie?), here's my suggestion: Just go to Coney Island. Coney Island needs religion, and you're here to provide. You don't need to mess with the city and the street closures and the masses of people. The believers will come to you! And the rest of us will go about our lives completely unaffected by your presence. Doesn't that sound perfect? I know they already painted a 50-story mural of you in midtown, but I will take a picture of it and text it to you. It isn't that great, and you don't want to be schlepping all the way up here when you could be eating hot dogs and blessing those in need. Deal? Ok cool. Catch you on the flippy flop. 

Until next time, kids...

Dear Ann Coulter,

Oh, Ann. Silly billy Ann. We're going to need to talk about this.

Bless your hateful little heart. You know, we actually don't really disagree on what you're calling out in this tweet. I too find it pretty repulsive that conservatives wring their hands about Israel in an attempt to garner Jewish votes, especially because they are usually declaring the United States a "Christian nation" in the same breath. It's silly pandering, it's disingenuous, and it doesn't even work. But even though we miraculously are sort of (kind of) simpatico on this one little thing, I'm not going to come to your defense.

And do you know why, Ann? Do you know why?

To tell you why I'm going to use a word that I normally don't, because I know it is misogynistic and offensive to a lot of people. But since you delight in offending others and despise feminism, I'm going to go ahead and use it for you.

*deep breath*

It's because you are a grade-A cunt, Ann. You. Are. A. Cunt. It's the best word for someone like you.

*exhales*

Ann, you're just the worst sort of person. You're the kind of woman who calls 9/11 widows freeloaders just so someone will pay attention to you. It is essentially the same as being a Kardashian. You don't care where the attention comes from, and you don't even care that the only attention you receive is negative. You just care that it exists, and you will say anything (literally... anything) to get it. And girl, that is sad as FUCK! You're so sad! So sad and lonely that you go on Twitter and spit vitriol to every group in America, hoping that someone will eventually be mad enough to pay attention. And it worked, honey. I'm writing a blog post right now just for you, and I'm sure you're having fun rolling around in your pile of money... alone.

But that is what happens when you're a cunt, Ann. You end up sad and alone and full of your own poison.

So as one lady to another, I'm going to give you a bunch of unsolicited advice. And I know you won't mind Ann, because cunts give unsolicited advice all the time. My advice is to shut up. Like, forever. Surely you have enough bigot money right now to live comfortably for the rest of your life, so there is no need to call people faggots and retards anymore. There is no need to shove your idiot face into any more Fox News segments. We get it. You hate everyone and you're so totally edgy and totally blond and you're a conservative Gen-Xer's wet dream. But that's probably enough, right? Aren't you tired? Aren't you hungry from keeping your Crypt Keeper figure all these years? Don't you want to cut your hair into a bob and wear a pair of sweatpants and read a Dan Brown novel? I think you do, Ann. So please shut the fuck up. I'm tired of listening to you. We are all tired of listening to you. I bet even you are tired of listening to you. So shut up.

Seriously.

Stop saying words.

Enjoy The Da Vinci Code.

Hate,
Katy

Thursday Rant 9/17/15

Good morning, haterz! LET'S DO THIS.

1) Guys, I'm going to be real honest with you... I didn't watch the GOP debate. Instead I drank lychee martinis and ate Szechuan shrimp with an old friend, which is 100 times more enjoyable than watching 11 windbags bloviate. But because I love you, I did watch the highlights and read the news, and from what I can tell the best parts of the debate were the questions that had nothing to do with policy whatsoever. The security names they would use should they ever become president? DELIGHTFUL! Donald Trump's was Humble... look how aware he is of his own ridiculousness! Marco Rubio's is Gator, which actually really endears him to me, but this is a rant so I'm not going to focus on the things I like. Mike Huckabee's was not Jesus4eva, as I would have expected, but the totally boring and secular Duckhunter, which is disappointing. You can do better. Everyone else's was boring except for John Kasich, who would like to be called Unit One, which I am 99% sure is his pet name for his dong. What lady would you like on the $10 bill? EVEN BETTER! Apparently this is a really hard to understand question, because 2 of these idiots didn't pick Americans and 3 of them just chose members of their own family. Well isn't that cute and folksy?! Mike Huckabee picked his wife! Isn't that sweet? But let's be honest, this gal has made it through 30 years of fucking Mike Huckabee without committing seppuku, so I'm pretty sure she at least deserves a medal for bravery. I'm assuming the rest of the debate went something like "If I win, I'll bring down Jesus with an assault rifle and he can tell you all about the virtues of small government" or something. Really... who cares?

2) We need to talk about Miss America. I can't believe how many people I know are in love with this mess. I know it has more virtue than some other pageants in that it has a talent portion and the women competing have a platform for service, and they get a scholarship and many of these extraordinary women go on to do great things all that is lovely, but can we stop and have some real talk about this shit? That scholarship... for their education... is at least partially based on how they look in a freaking swimsuit.  Your daughters watch this, people. So we are putting these smart, educated, gifted women on TV and telling them and everyone else that it is their tits in an evening gown that matters. This is fucked up, guys. When you watch 2 of the 4 categories (the categories they spend the longest airtime on, obviously), it is them walking around looking hot, staring wordlessly into the camera for your pleasure, and you are encouraged to judge them based on appearance alone. Really think about what you are doing when you watch this, people. EW. I judge you, and I judge you hard. It is 2015 for fuck's sake, and you are watching a 3 hour show devoted to you judging women's bodies! Stop it. STOP. IT.  Turn on Netflix and watch Teeth instead. Seriously, stop watching this shit.

3) I feel like I say this every week, but WHAT THE HELL, TEXAS? You arrested a skinny 14 year old in a NASA shirt because he brought a clock to school? Really? Oh, it looked like a bomb? No, it didn't, you racist poopstains. It looked like a clock, and you arrested this kid because he is brown and his name is Ahmed Mohamed. You are racist, you are Islamophobic, and most of all, you are stupid, because if you took one damn second to look at the incidences of terrorism within the United States, you'd walk over to your gun-toting neighbor's house and arrest him, because 20-something, right wing, white males are committing most of the acts of terrorism here... pre and post 9/11.  But please, continue to search everyone with a middle eastern name at the airport, and don't forget to keep arresting gifted children! Thanks for making this kid not only an even bigger target of derision among his peers, but thanks also for discouraging him from science and engineering, because we're apparently not far enough behind the rest of the world in this capacity. America is number one! Just kidding, we're number 21 out of 30.

4) Who else read the article in the Chicago Sun Times about how you can't rape sex workers? About how a rape case involving a prostitute is "making a mockery of rape victims?" Did you read it? I did, and I want to cut someone over it. And who wrote this bologna? Mary Mitchell. A woman. A freaking WOMAN wrote this about another woman. Are you fucking with me, Mary?!?!  A man hired a prostitute, and when she went to meet him he put a gun to her head and raped her, and you think that... is fine? Is Ted Cruz paying you to write this? Is this satire and you're just really bad at it? What is even happening?!?!?! You know the sex worker that you're talking about is another person, right? You understand that she is a living, breathing human being with feelings and rights, the same as you are? I'm asking these ridiculous questions because I feel like maybe you don't know that sex workers are people and that dehumanizing them with your bullshit commentary makes their job even more dangerous than it already is. I don't know, maybe you confused "sex worker" with "non-sentient piece of plastic" and you're already writing your redaction, but in case you didn't, let me clear some shit up for you: anyone can get raped, you idiot. A sex worker, a child, a man, a transgender woman, a priest, a cheerleader, a spouse, ANYONE. Hey Mary, did you know that in some states you could still legally rape your wife until the 1980's? True story. So let's not go back to that nonsense and agree that no matter your line of work or marital status or gender or sexuality or whatever, you deserve to be treated like a human being. Even idiots like you, Mary. Even you.

That's it for this Thursday. I'm going to drink some more coffee.

Dear Kim Davis,

Ugh. I am so freaking TIRED of looking at your face and I'm even more tired of watching you cry on camera like you're receiving paternity test results on Maury. 

Speaking of that. 

I'm sure I don't need to point out what a terrible hypocrite you are, and I kind of wish I didn't have to. But you've had more husbands than I've had cats, and that is a lot of husbands... to say nothing of your bastards (I'm pretending I'm on Game of Thrones). And you know what? I don't even judge you for that, because A) I love Elizabeth Taylor and B) YOLO. But girl. GIRL. You are forcing me to point out that while I don't judge you for that, Jesus definitely does, you adulterous whore of Babylon (his words, not mine). You are forcing my feminist ass to slut shame you, so please shut up and go away.

And girl, get a hold of your lawyers. I know they are doing this for free, and that what they say is getting you huge piles of bigot money, but they need to quit it:
"Back in the 1930s, it began with the Jews, where they were evicted from public employment, then boycotted in their private employment, then stigmatized and that led to the gas chambers... This is the new persecution of Christians here in this country.”
You know what isn't anything like the treatment of a Jew in Nazi Germany? EVERYTHING. Seriously. Nothing else is like that. I'm pretty sure they fed and clothed you for your few days in jail and that when you took a shower it was water that came out of the faucet, not toxic gas. You disobeyed the constitution and disobeyed a judge's order. That's why you went to jail, where you got a free 5 day PAID vacation. So no, you aren't a Jew in Nazi Germany. You're a fundamentalist Christian in Kentucky, which means you are getting a fucking hero's welcome everywhere you go.

Also... do something about your hair. Jesus, you look like Chewbacca had sex with one of the Duggars.

Hate,
Ms. Rantsypants

Thursday Rant 9/10/15

What's up, fellow haters? For your Thursday pleasure, here's what I am pissed about today:

1) I'm sorry, but I can't not talk about Kim Davis' bonkers release press conference. Did you see this shit? First of all, Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz are headlining, so you know it's going to be crazytown. The crowd is holding up a bunch of white crosses so it looks like a KKK rally from the 30's, and bitch runs (waddles) out to "Eye of the Tiger" like she's Rocky Balboa, hands aloft and ugly-cry face on point. Girl. GIRL. You didn't win anything. Teh gayz are still getting married in your county, and you still have the hair of a meth addicted Rapunzel. You don't win. YOU LOSE. 

2) RIP, National Geographic. You had a good run. Showing people the world, opening our eyes to other cultures, to environmental issues and new species. But Rupert Murdoch bought you, Nat Geo, so shit is about to get real. Quick, new article/TV show ideas for Fox News Geographic! Ok...GO: Fracking is Your Friend, Brown People: A Story of White Persecution, The Civil War Was Definitely About State's Rights, Jesus and his Government, It's Totally Better That The Earth is Getting Unbearably Hot, How to Survive Under A Muslim President, and of course, the annual holiday spectacular, The War On Christmas. 

3) The Judiciary Committee is holding hearings about Planned Parenthood. But don't worry, it's totally fair! The hearings are entitled "Planned Parenthood Exposed: Examining the Horrific Abortion Practices at the Nation's Largest Abortion Provider." The original title was "Planned Parenthood Exposed: Examining Lesbian Feminist Baby Feasts at the Nation's Largest Killer of Precious Innocents," so I suppose the existing title is less biased. And guess who wasn't invited to their own hearing? Anyone from Planned Parenthood! And why was the hearing held? Because of a bunch of videos showing 100% legal practices that were manipulated by an organization currently under investigation for conspiracy to defraud and numerous IRS violations. See, it's totally fair! It's totally what we should be spending our tax dollars on! Let's defund the nation's largest women's healthcare provider, even though only 3% of their services are abortion related and a federal law prevents any tax dollars from being used on those services. Fuck them, and fuck you too, women of America! Hope you enjoyed the brief respite from cervical cancer or affordable access to birth control! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Free unwanted fetuses for everyone! YOU get a fetus! And YOU get a fetus! Even if you're 12 or seriously ill or financially incapable or a rape victim! Everyone gets an unwanted fetuuuuuuuus!!!!! *cries*

4) Can we talk about how the 90's are back right now? The other day I saw a human woman wearing a pair of cropped, flare leg overalls with a pair of platform shoes. THIS IS A THING THAT SHE BOUGHT IN A STORE. She walked in a store and said "Yes, this looks fabulous. Here is my credit card." You stop it right now, fashion. Stop it. She's not the only one. Crop tops under an open flannel shirt are a thing. I see like, 10 of them a day. You stop it. You are not Courtney Love circa 1994. I was in K-Mart buying myself candy and they are selling ribbed mock turtlenecks. STOP IT. Why can't everyone just agree that a perfect black t-shirt, great fitting jeans, and killer boots are the best thing that you can possibly wear in this world? It's the TRUTH, and those three things are the three most impossible things to find, yet I can't turn around without smashing into a pair of crocheted bellbottoms or a floral babydoll dress. WHAT IS LIFE? Stop it. 

I think that's it. For now.

Dear Nicole Arbour,

Hey girl, cool video. Just kidding, you're the absolute fucking worst.

You know what, it isn't even your fat shaming that makes you the worst. It isn't your mildly racist jokes, and it isn't your off-brand Jenna Marbles impression. It isn't your pink hair streaks or your fake nails or even your Canadian accent. You know why you're the worst? You're not funny. You're not remotely funny, girl. Because if you were funny, no one would be offended by your video. Why is South Park a great success? Because it's FUNNY. Why doesn't It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia make me run screaming from the room to write an angry letter? Because it makes me laugh. That's the difference between offensive and hilarious. The ONLY difference. 

Make a joke about 9/11 on 9/12, and if it is funny, people won't hate you. Stand in front of a cement wall and talk about how fat people smell like sausage, and everyone will hate you. If an abortion joke is funny enough, even the most staunch pro-lifer will have a chuckle... but if you pout your lips and roll your eyes and tell fat people to go to the gym because ew they are like, totally so disgusting, you're not being funny. That isn't a joke, girl. That's just you being a bitch. A tragically unfunny bitch.

So please shut up, please stop trying to make comedy happen, and go back to whatever the Canadian equivalent of Hooters is. 

Hate, 
Ms. Rantsypants

Thursday Rant 9/3/15 + The Inaugural Blog

Hey guys! You came here because we're friends on Facebook and maybe kind of real life, or some weirdo who likes ranting and raving shared the link. Either way... Hey guys! Luckily there is no shortage of jerkwads and their jerkwad friends in this world, so I'll have lots to talk about. I don't know what else I'll do with this space, but hopefully you'll dig it. 

Also, all props for how cool this looks (including cartoon ME!) go to my dear friend Erin, who runs the awesome Insannequins. Check her stuff out; she's one of the few people in this world I don't want to punch in the face. 
 
Here's today's rant... now a blog post!

I had a hard time sleeping last night so I'm extra grumpy! Here's what I'm judging this week.

1) Hey, Kim Davis! Hey girl! How's your 15 minutes of fame going? We can all see your plan as plain as the Sally Jesse Raphael glasses on your face. It was originally about how you think that teh gayz are icky... but now it is about money. All the money you can get from your inevitable Tour of Persecution®. All the denim jumpers and cans of Aqua Net and DVDs of Sister Wives you can buy before another heroic martyr decides that they're going to bring an assault rifle to a daycare to protect the children from homos because gun rights are part of Jesus' plan or whatever. So enjoy that pile of money. Get it in ones so you can spread it on your bed and roll around on it with it your fourth husband. And then disappear forever. Because you are the worst, and I hate you. And you know who else hates you? Everyone.

2) Speaking of a person everyone hates, let's talk about Elizabeth Hasselbeck. This week she said that Black Lives Matter is a "hate group," and now it is like... a THING. Like somehow something this bitch said is being picked up and taken as a truth that is universally known. Who even is this person? Like, she's not a journalist... she's some football player's wife and was on Survivor 15 years ago? Bitch, I can name a bunch of hate groups for you if you are having trouble understanding what they are. In fact, I can name a bunch of hate groups who have actually committed heinous acts of violence against the group you are now calling a hate group. But back to my original question.... WHO EVEN IS SHE? Why are we listening to this fembot's opinion about ANYTHING? (Of course, why are you listening to my opinion about anything... but ignore that and hate her instead.)

3)Apparently Kanye West is going to run for president in 2020. I can't freaking wait. All I can hope is the Saint Donald of the Racist Combovers will be running as well, because I want to see that debate. I want to see it so much. It's going to be like that time he said "George Bush doesn't care about black people" and Mike Meyers looked like he was about to die of embarrassment and awkwardness except it will be like, 2 hours long and involve 100% more red-faced screaming. I can't wait. Let the 5 year countdown begin!

4) A big thank you to the Center for Medical Progress for lying and manipulating your videos enough so that 4 of the 6 Planned Parenthoods who donated fetal tissue to research are no longer doing so due to threats and controversy. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart, and from the hearts of those suffering from birth defects, Parkinson's Disease, spinal cord injuries, and HIV/AIDS (to name a few). And a hearty thanks from all of us who believe in vaccinations and science and a women's right to make her own damn decisions. And by "thanks" I mean "fuck you."

So there it is... I have a blog now.