Happy Thursday to my friends in sass. Sorry about the lack of post last week, but I had shit to do and didn't read the news. But have no fear, I watched the entire Republican debate just for you. That is how much I love you.
1) How are there still so many goddamn people running for president? And how, with 13 damn people, are none of them remotely qualified in the slightest? If you heard screaming in the distance on Tuesday night, it's because I watched every second of this shitshow, and I wasn't even drinking. The JV debate was adorable. It was Huckabee, Graham, Santorum, and that other guy who I look at and think "is that John Kasich? No... I don't know who that is..." and I don't even give enough fucks to look up what his name is. Does it matter? He's polling at negative a zillion. You probably didn't watch this part. Hell, I don't know why I watched it, but the best part was Lindsey Graham throwing more shade than a drunk drag queen. Girl is so sassy! Just go ahead and google "Lindsey Graham debate GIFs." I'll wait. Did you see that eye-roll, though? Daaaamn. He's channeling Joan Rivers if she was an old white dude without a neck who loved to talk about how much he misses George W. Bush. Yes, that was an actual thing that happened. Methinks someone has a crush! Mike Huckabee loves Jesus but hates Syrian refugees, Santorum is the dude in your bio class who you had to do a group project with and he talked down to you the whole time even though he was clearly wrong, the other guy said something probably, and then it was over. Then the rest of these bitches came out to yell at each other for 3 hours. Honestly, I barely know what they are talking about at this point. It was like a poorly-supervised daycare in there. Jeb! maybe had meth for dinner, because he finally grew a uterus and was somehow the only one who really went after the frontrunner. The split-screen with him yelling at Trump and Trump making his trademark "BITCH, PLEASE" face is the second-best GIF of the evening. Go ahead and Google that shit. This whole debate was about ISIS and combating terrorism, but if I am being honest, I'm not totally sure what any of them plan to do. We all know Trump's racist-as-fuck plan to keep all Muslim's out of the US, and that Cruz wants to carpet bomb ISIS "until the desert glows" (even though they are headquartered in Raqqa, where there are thousands of innocent civilians, so this dude either doesn't understand what carpet bombing means or he is an asshole or both), but other than that I didn't really get anything out of it, and if you managed to, can you explain it to me? Because I feel like "kill ISIS" isn't really a plan. Mostly the whole thing gave me a fucking headache. Sorry, guys.
2) In a story that surprises exactly zero American women, the UN sent a delegation of human rights experts to the US to assess how we are doing, lady-wise. They went to Oregon (OK), Texas (uh oh), and Alabama (noooo), and the assessment was essentially: HOLY SHIT, IT SUCKS HERE. We're lacking in a large number of human rights standards, including maternity leave - "The lack of accommodation in the workplace to women's pregnancy, birth and post-natal needs is shocking. Unthinkable in any society, and certainly one of the richest societies in the world," a 23 percent wage gap, affordable childcare, the treatment of female migrants in detention centers, and let's not forget our attack on reproductive rights. The three female delegates went to a women's healthcare clinic in Alabama, where they were yelled at by a group of men for "killing babies," though the three of them are far past childbearing age. Perhaps Eleonora Zielinska, the delegate from Poland, said it best:"It's a kind of terrorism. To us, it was shocking." And hey, speaking of that, did you know that the Ohio attorney general decided to tell everyone this week that Planned Parenthood throws fetal tissue into landfills? Just for funsies he decided to make this shit up, even though there is zero proof, and of course that shit is not fucking happening, and even if it was, it would be an issue with the third party medical waste disposal teams and not Planned Parenthood, but who cares about that when you can just drop your pants and take a giant shit on a health organization for low income women because you're embarrassed that a video you watched once turned out to be fake. A federal judge blocked Ohio from defunding PP, so of course now there is a new bill in Ohio that would require women to pick whether they want their aborted fetus or miscarriage buried or cremated, because they just can't get enough of harassing and traumatizing women who just want to get some goddamned medical care. Oh, there are already laws like this in Indiana and Arkansas, because screw you, ladies! Can I go live with Elenora Zielinska in Poland?
3) But maybe living overseas isn't a women's rights cure-all, because I need to tell you about Ehsan Abdulaziz. Who, you ask? He's a 46 year old Saudi millionaire, but that really isn't important. What's important is that he was just acquitted of raping an 18 year old woman. But maybe there wasn't evidence, you say. Maybe there was reasonable doubt or maybe the sex was consensual! Well, his DNA was found inside her. He denies raping or even having consensual sex with her, so how did that nasty semen get inside her? Don't worry, there is an explanation! You see, he had just had consensual sex with her friend, and when he went out to the living room, he fell down and may have accidentally penetrated her with his still-erect, apparently semen covered penis. A jury of his peers in Britain listened to this asshole and said "Yeah, that is probably true. He's probably innocent." What the shit, Britain?!?! It is literally a scene from Austin Powers (Oh, I fell over! Oh, I fell over again!) used as a rape defense, and these people believed it after deliberating for only 30 minutes. Which brings me to me telling people to go fuck themselves. Ahem. Hey! Ehsan Abdulaziz, go fuck yourself. I don't know how you did it (money?), but you did. Fuck you, you clearly guilty piece of garbage. You can't trip and fall your penis into someone's vagina, you disgusting fuck. Oh, and hey! Go fuck yourself, British jury! I don't know how you fell for this shit (money?), but you did. So you're either the crookedest bunch of assholes this side of Chris Christie or you're dumber than a bag of Donald Trump's used toupees. Either way, go fuck yourself.
4) And now for some good news. Remember Martin Shkreli? He's the dude that wanted to charge AIDS patients $750 a pill for their life-saving medication. Well that rat-faced little shit was just arrested on fraud charges. Score one for the good guys! While the fraud doesn't have anything to do with pharmaceuticals (he illegally used stock to pay off unrelated business debts, among other shitty things), I still rejoice in his downfall and hope against hope that he will spend a good amount of time in prison. So peace out, motherfucker. Enjoy everything that's coming to you.
Until next week, my little chickadees..
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Thursday Rant - 12/3/15
How was your week, kids? Yeah, mine too. Happy Holidays from the NRA.
Look, maybe it won't do anything. It probably won't, because people don't like to be wrong, and I'm including myself in that. But it might. Or maybe that might shame them enough to just think about it for a fucking second. Just one damn second of contemplation about the value of another human life.
So I guess this is just normal now? It is difficult to even get angry anymore. It's easier to numb yourself, to feel an almost comfortable feeling of bland despair and helplessness at another madman with a gun, but I'm urging you to keep that inner fire alive, guys. Because anger keeps you productive, and what we need is action. I don't need to hear any proclamations of sympathy or prayers, though these things are both important for healing. I need our government to get off its ass and DO something, and I need you guys to shout loudly enough to make them.
There is a lot of money keeping our lawmakers inactive. Weaponry is big business, and the gun manufacturers and the NRA are very powerful. Rich enough to keep lawmakers silent in the face of overwhelming public support for increased gun control. But we live in a country that values wealth and power above all else, so this shit is going to be hard I need you to write your representatives. Flood their Facebook pages and Twitter accounts and phone lines. I need you to sign every goddamned petition you see. Read up on actual gun facts. Read about the 356 (as of this afternoon) mass shootings that have occurred this year. Read up on the logical gun control policies of other countries around the world, particularly Australia, who practically eliminated mass shootings in 1996 after ONE incident. Read up on all of that, and then I need you to do something shitty. I need you to engage with pro-gun activists. That guy you went to high school with who thought the Paris attacks could have been prevented if Donald Trump was guarding the Eiffel Tower with an AK-47? You're going to have to talk to him. I know. I KNOW. It totally sucks. And when you talk to him, you're going to have to not scream/do the Facebook equivalent of screaming.
I know.
But I'm going to need for you to do it with facts. Here is a link to facts about gun violence for your convenience: http://www.bradycampaign.org/about-gun-violence
Use that link. Tell them all about the 31 people who die from gun violence every single damn day in this, the self-proclaimed greatest country in the world.
And after that, ask them if the life of that human being is worth their (highly debatable, but don't say that) right to own and/or carry a firearm.
Because this isn't really about an opinion on gun control anymore. If you are pro-gun at this point in the game, you straight up value your toys more than you value the safety of others. Maybe they aren't fully aware of that, maybe they say it is for protection or sport or whatever, and they might believe that on the surface. But it cannot be denied that easily accessible guns lead to gun violence. It's a fact. And isn't it worth giving up your rifle in exchange for a safer community? Isn't it worth losing the ability to take your handgun to a grocery store if it prevents just ONE incident of violence?
Because I'm sick of this shit.
To write to you representatives, use this link: http://www.people.com/article/preventing-gun-violence-people-call-to-action-jess-cagle
Stay safe.
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Thanksgiving Rant 11/25/15
Hello, friends and neighbors! What are you grateful for on this fine Thanksgiving Day? Today I'm grateful for truth-telling, because besides getting a day off of work, an excuse to overeat, and day-drinking, Thanksgiving is the worst, and here's why.
1) The Puritans were total assholes. I mean, yes they were totally persecuted in Britain and that sucks, but to be fair, they were planning to overthrow the government (and did in 1649). They wanted to "purify" anyone who disagreed with them, and the New England Puritans "purified" people with lies, trickery, and genocide, because #WHITEPEOPLE. In the fucking sermon he gave ON THANKSGIVING in front of the Wampanoag, Mather the Elder thanked God for destroying"chiefly young men and children, the very seeds of increase, thus clearing the forests to make way for a better growth," which essentially means "thanks for making sure all the brown people died of the smallpox we brought!" Dick move, Mather. Plus even though the Puritans invited the Wampanoag over for dinner, the Wampanoag still brought most of the food. Rude. You know what else is rude? Killing off pretty much the entire tribe a few years later. Oh, and they also encouraged the American slave trade, selling indigenous people as slaves to the southern colonies. High five, dickholes.
2) Turkey is a garbage bird. I eat turkey once a year (dark meat only, obviously), and I will only eat it if someone else makes it and I have to do nothing. It's the worst. It takes FOREVER to cook, and you have to brine it or deep fry it to make it even remotely palatable, and even then 60% of the time it is still somehow a disaster that leaves everyone in tears, which you will need to lubricate your dry-as-fuck turkey. And after that you have turkey FOREVER. Forever and ever and ever. Turkey sandwich. Turkey taco. Turkey chili. Turkey casserole. Turkey frittata. Turkey whatever-the-hell. NO. I do not want to eat you for more than one meal, turkey! No. NO NO NO. A brief list of birds I'd rather eat: duck, chicken, cornish game hen, sparrow, goose, bald eagle, steak.
3) Black Friday, the most embarrassing day of the year for America. More embarrassing than the entire presidency of George W. Bush. More embarrassing than that"Proud to be An American" song. More embarrassing our pitiful healthcare system. People DIE, you guys. People get up at 2AM and go to Wal-Mart and wait outside in the frigid November weather, and then when the store opens at 4AM they stampede to the back of the store for the discounted electronics, but instead of coming home with a new TV, they DIE because another bunch of assholes trampled all over them. THIS IS A THING THAT HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE GODDAMNED YEAR. Look, I love stuff. I love my stuff so much. I love sales, too! Stuff on sale? Fuck yeah! However. How-fucking-ever, you could not pay me enough to leave my house on Black Friday. I'm not trying to die over a cashmere sweater, and neither should you.
4) With Black Friday comes The Christmas Season®. Fuck. I can't complain about it being too early anymore, guys. I have no excuse now. It's coming. It's coming to steal whatever remaining will to live you have left after your Racist Aunt Gladys goes home. It's coming to pollute your ears with "The Christmas Shoes" and any version of "Santa Baby" that isn't sung by Eartha Kitt. It's coming to take your hard-earned money because Jesus wants - nay, DEMANDS - presents (just kidding, this has nothing to do with Jesus). Christmas is a dual headed demon with sleighbells for eyes, and it is coming. Do you smell the sulfur? Can you feel the despair? Your heart is tightening, and an ulcer beings to form. An internal scream begins. Softly at first, then louder and louder, until it drowns out the whining of children and complaining about saying "happy holidays." Soon that scream will be deafening and relentless, driving you to madness and despair. It's coming. It will arrive tomorrow and begin its 30-day path of destruction. But don't worry, there will be cookies.
Happy Thanksgiving!
1) The Puritans were total assholes. I mean, yes they were totally persecuted in Britain and that sucks, but to be fair, they were planning to overthrow the government (and did in 1649). They wanted to "purify" anyone who disagreed with them, and the New England Puritans "purified" people with lies, trickery, and genocide, because #WHITEPEOPLE. In the fucking sermon he gave ON THANKSGIVING in front of the Wampanoag, Mather the Elder thanked God for destroying"chiefly young men and children, the very seeds of increase, thus clearing the forests to make way for a better growth," which essentially means "thanks for making sure all the brown people died of the smallpox we brought!" Dick move, Mather. Plus even though the Puritans invited the Wampanoag over for dinner, the Wampanoag still brought most of the food. Rude. You know what else is rude? Killing off pretty much the entire tribe a few years later. Oh, and they also encouraged the American slave trade, selling indigenous people as slaves to the southern colonies. High five, dickholes.
2) Turkey is a garbage bird. I eat turkey once a year (dark meat only, obviously), and I will only eat it if someone else makes it and I have to do nothing. It's the worst. It takes FOREVER to cook, and you have to brine it or deep fry it to make it even remotely palatable, and even then 60% of the time it is still somehow a disaster that leaves everyone in tears, which you will need to lubricate your dry-as-fuck turkey. And after that you have turkey FOREVER. Forever and ever and ever. Turkey sandwich. Turkey taco. Turkey chili. Turkey casserole. Turkey frittata. Turkey whatever-the-hell. NO. I do not want to eat you for more than one meal, turkey! No. NO NO NO. A brief list of birds I'd rather eat: duck, chicken, cornish game hen, sparrow, goose, bald eagle, steak.
3) Black Friday, the most embarrassing day of the year for America. More embarrassing than the entire presidency of George W. Bush. More embarrassing than that"Proud to be An American" song. More embarrassing our pitiful healthcare system. People DIE, you guys. People get up at 2AM and go to Wal-Mart and wait outside in the frigid November weather, and then when the store opens at 4AM they stampede to the back of the store for the discounted electronics, but instead of coming home with a new TV, they DIE because another bunch of assholes trampled all over them. THIS IS A THING THAT HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE GODDAMNED YEAR. Look, I love stuff. I love my stuff so much. I love sales, too! Stuff on sale? Fuck yeah! However. How-fucking-ever, you could not pay me enough to leave my house on Black Friday. I'm not trying to die over a cashmere sweater, and neither should you.
4) With Black Friday comes The Christmas Season®. Fuck. I can't complain about it being too early anymore, guys. I have no excuse now. It's coming. It's coming to steal whatever remaining will to live you have left after your Racist Aunt Gladys goes home. It's coming to pollute your ears with "The Christmas Shoes" and any version of "Santa Baby" that isn't sung by Eartha Kitt. It's coming to take your hard-earned money because Jesus wants - nay, DEMANDS - presents (just kidding, this has nothing to do with Jesus). Christmas is a dual headed demon with sleighbells for eyes, and it is coming. Do you smell the sulfur? Can you feel the despair? Your heart is tightening, and an ulcer beings to form. An internal scream begins. Softly at first, then louder and louder, until it drowns out the whining of children and complaining about saying "happy holidays." Soon that scream will be deafening and relentless, driving you to madness and despair. It's coming. It will arrive tomorrow and begin its 30-day path of destruction. But don't worry, there will be cookies.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Thursday Rant - 11/18/15
Hi, kiddos. It's been a helluva week, has it not? No bullet points today, because all I am thinking about are victims of violence. In Paris, in Beirut, in Kenya, in Syria, in the US... everywhere. So let's chat, shall we?
I hope everyone you know and love is safe and protected and unafraid. If not, please stop reading my internet idiocy and go take care of yourself.
I don't pretend to know much about ISIS/ISIL/Daesh/Bunch of Assholes. I only have the most basic understanding of what their goals are or what their beliefs are, and I have almost zero understanding of why they commit these acts. Yes, I read that Atlantic article, but I still don't fully comprehend, and I don't know if I ever will. I haven't been attacked that way... not ever. The closest I got to the recent violence was a friend of a friend who was trapped in a bathroom in Paris for three hours (she is safe). This is happening very far away, but to me (and I think to most other Westerners) it feels like it is happening at home. While suicide bombings like this happen in Syria so often that it rarely registers as newsworthy in the United States, an attack on Paris, the city of romance and berets and snail-eating, feels like a direct hit. It feels like an attack not just on our people, but on our way of life. Is it wrong to mourn their deaths more than we mourn the deaths of those in Beirut? Is it thoughtless? Is it racist or Islamophobic? Or is it normal? I really don't know. I've read a lot about the selective mourning going on, and also a lot about the grief-shaming, and for once I can't really make up my mind about who is and isn't correct. All I feel in this moment is the deep sadness that we are mourning at all.
What I do know is that we as a country are failing to help those who need it most. For all the griping I do about American politics and culture, I am usually still proud to be an American citizen. But not this week. Not at all. I look at (some of) my Facebook feed, I read the statements from politicians, I pour over opinion articles and I watch the news and I feel not only anger, but deep shame. In the immediate aftermath of the attacks, I heard more than one person (and more than one politician) argue that if France had open carry gun laws, this would not have happened. I heard Islamophobic hate speech that was worse than after 9/11. And later I saw the most abhorrent thing: I saw people turn their backs on Syrian refugees.
Not that I need to remind you, but the United States is a country of immigrants. We all came here for the same reason: a better life. America has welcomed the needy and suffering for generations. All immigrants came here to escape from something (even your ancestors, white people!). From war, from violence, from persecution, from hunger, from poverty, from SOMETHING. And that is all that the Syrian refugees want: a better life, free from fear. How anyone can turn away is beyond me. If you're reading this and you can turn away an orphaned child or a traumatized family, please explain to me how. While this isn't new (if you're unfamiliar with the history of the voyage of the SS St. Louis, please visit Wikipedia), it doesn't make it better.
What happened is terrifying. ISIS is terrifying. But our fear allows them to win, and it also makes us act like horrible people.
I saw a woman joke on a friend's Facebook page that we should "send them to Gitmo," followed by a winky face. Her name is Doris (of fucking course). Fuck Doris and her racism. Fuck her and her callousness. Fuck her and anyone like her. Doris makes me ashamed.
31 governors want to block Syrian refugees from entering their state. They can't actually legally do this, but they can make their lives a living hell once they get there by blocking money from refugee aid agencies that help with assimilation, language skills, and job seeking. And for your racism and religious bigotry, for keeping already marginalized people down, fuck you, governors. Fuck you. You make me ashamed.
So people, nut up. Grow a fucking pair. Daesh wants to scare you, and it worked. They want us to hate and fear Muslims and to display the ugliest parts of ourselves. They want just one reason to fuck up our world. Don't fucking give it to them. Fearing another's religion is not American. Fearing another's ethnic background is not American. And turning away those in danger is the least American of all. These people are not representative of Syrians or Muslims anymore than the Westboro Baptist Church is representative of Christian Kansans. I hope we can all be brave enough to know the difference.
I hope everyone you know and love is safe and protected and unafraid. If not, please stop reading my internet idiocy and go take care of yourself.
I don't pretend to know much about ISIS/ISIL/Daesh/Bunch of Assholes. I only have the most basic understanding of what their goals are or what their beliefs are, and I have almost zero understanding of why they commit these acts. Yes, I read that Atlantic article, but I still don't fully comprehend, and I don't know if I ever will. I haven't been attacked that way... not ever. The closest I got to the recent violence was a friend of a friend who was trapped in a bathroom in Paris for three hours (she is safe). This is happening very far away, but to me (and I think to most other Westerners) it feels like it is happening at home. While suicide bombings like this happen in Syria so often that it rarely registers as newsworthy in the United States, an attack on Paris, the city of romance and berets and snail-eating, feels like a direct hit. It feels like an attack not just on our people, but on our way of life. Is it wrong to mourn their deaths more than we mourn the deaths of those in Beirut? Is it thoughtless? Is it racist or Islamophobic? Or is it normal? I really don't know. I've read a lot about the selective mourning going on, and also a lot about the grief-shaming, and for once I can't really make up my mind about who is and isn't correct. All I feel in this moment is the deep sadness that we are mourning at all.
What I do know is that we as a country are failing to help those who need it most. For all the griping I do about American politics and culture, I am usually still proud to be an American citizen. But not this week. Not at all. I look at (some of) my Facebook feed, I read the statements from politicians, I pour over opinion articles and I watch the news and I feel not only anger, but deep shame. In the immediate aftermath of the attacks, I heard more than one person (and more than one politician) argue that if France had open carry gun laws, this would not have happened. I heard Islamophobic hate speech that was worse than after 9/11. And later I saw the most abhorrent thing: I saw people turn their backs on Syrian refugees.
Not that I need to remind you, but the United States is a country of immigrants. We all came here for the same reason: a better life. America has welcomed the needy and suffering for generations. All immigrants came here to escape from something (even your ancestors, white people!). From war, from violence, from persecution, from hunger, from poverty, from SOMETHING. And that is all that the Syrian refugees want: a better life, free from fear. How anyone can turn away is beyond me. If you're reading this and you can turn away an orphaned child or a traumatized family, please explain to me how. While this isn't new (if you're unfamiliar with the history of the voyage of the SS St. Louis, please visit Wikipedia), it doesn't make it better.
What happened is terrifying. ISIS is terrifying. But our fear allows them to win, and it also makes us act like horrible people.
I saw a woman joke on a friend's Facebook page that we should "send them to Gitmo," followed by a winky face. Her name is Doris (of fucking course). Fuck Doris and her racism. Fuck her and her callousness. Fuck her and anyone like her. Doris makes me ashamed.
31 governors want to block Syrian refugees from entering their state. They can't actually legally do this, but they can make their lives a living hell once they get there by blocking money from refugee aid agencies that help with assimilation, language skills, and job seeking. And for your racism and religious bigotry, for keeping already marginalized people down, fuck you, governors. Fuck you. You make me ashamed.
So people, nut up. Grow a fucking pair. Daesh wants to scare you, and it worked. They want us to hate and fear Muslims and to display the ugliest parts of ourselves. They want just one reason to fuck up our world. Don't fucking give it to them. Fearing another's religion is not American. Fearing another's ethnic background is not American. And turning away those in danger is the least American of all. These people are not representative of Syrians or Muslims anymore than the Westboro Baptist Church is representative of Christian Kansans. I hope we can all be brave enough to know the difference.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Thursday Rant 11/12/15
Thursday Realness. Enjoy, haterz.
1) I think I would be remiss if I didn't start with Redcupgate. Clearly this is the stupidest thing ever to happen, and I actually have seen zero people in the real, non-internet world supporting this nonsense, so hooray for everyone I know. In fact, this nonsense has so many people talking about how these Christians are misguided and wrong, and how their religion has no place for this stupidity, and I love it. I've not seen this sort of Rational Christian vs. Borderline Insane Christian realness in a long time. Maybe ever? People are running to call these morons on their bullshit (as they should, because OMG), but it is leaving me a little pissy that this doesn't happen more often. Especially that it doesn't happen more often with stuff that actually matters. Because Redcupgate, while irritating, doesn't matter. It's a paper coffee cup, and Starbucks will continue to be rich as fuck and serve overpriced, burnt-to-shit coffee and people will continue to drink it and everyone wins. What I am wondering about is why people aren't more vocal when it's something like gay marriage or birth control access or climate change or reproductive rights or income inequality or whatever. I mean, I certainly know a lot of Christians who support all of those things. I know a lot of Christians who think fundies are bonkers, but I don't see them often posting a ton of memes about how their intolerance is not very Christlike. Maybe someone can explain it to me? Is it like, showing professional courtesy to your fellow Christian? Because if so, where is the reluctance to criticize Redcupgate? For instance, last week Bobby Jindal and Mike Huckabee shared a stage with Pastor Kevin Swanson. Who is he, you ask? Well he is a Colorado pastor/nutcase who thinks that gays should be executed. Really. REALLY. He has said it many times. Rational Christians, where are my memes about how these people are idiots? It's got to be embarrassing to have the most vocal representatives of your religion (whether you like it or not) be Evangelical fundamentalist types. Real talk: if you don't believe in climate change or you think being gay is a choice, you're a fucking idiot, and it doesn't matter how you were raised or what an old book that is mostly analogies says about it, because there are plenty of people with the same background out there smart enough to think critically. If you believe that AND you want to legislate against it, you are being an asshole. And kind, intelligent, rational, reasonable Christians, you get lumped in with that mess! I certainly don't think of you when someone talks about the religious in this country. I think of some sweaty crazyface pastor with shiny teeth who thinks that gays should be stoned to death. I want to think of you guys. I do. I really, really, really, really do. So I'm pleading with you to start denouncing this nonsense. Shame them. I'm an agnostic with a chip on my shoulder. I can't shame people who think I'm going to burn in hell. But you can. Loving essays by kind pastors just aren't enough, because these people clearly lack critical reading skills. Start yelling, because they are WAY LOUDER THAN YOU ARE. So loud that I can't hear you! Even Jesus lost his temper when he called out hypocrisy, so I think he'll forgive you.
2) Republican debate number 14 zillion billion was on Tuesday night and I tot-ZZZZZZZ. Seriously, who even cares at this point? They've cut several people from the big kids table, and there are still too many damned people up there to actually debate. There was a Jeopardy buzzer this time, so that was.... new. All the dudes wore black suits with red ties except for Carson, who showed up in a light blue striped number, and then Cruz was like "on debate days we wear red" so maybe that's why Carson hardly said anything. Or maybe he was busy perfecting his already impeccable Droopy Dog impression. I don't know. But it was really everyone jerking off about getting all BDSM with Dodd-Frank. (If you're not a dork like me and are all WTF are you talking about, Dodd-Frank essentially created tougher rules for the mega-banks responsible for the financial fuckery, especially regarding risky trading, and protects consumers against predations like subprime lending. Anyway.) They are gonna cut it SO HARD. And Dodd-Frank is gonna like it, because it's a dirty little bitch. According to Fiorina, Dodd-Frank is "how Socialism starts," which is an excellent point if you are someone who doesn't know what Socialism is and if you are trying to distract everyone from the fact that you are one of the worst CEOs of all time and have never held public office. Jeb! also attacked it, even though he presided over a state with one of the largest housing bubbles because watching Florida foreclose was hilarious. You see, big banks are really just small businesses, and these poor little mom and pop banks just can't handle it. Take Bank of America, for instance. I bet you thought that they were a big corporation, but it's actually run by Dan and Dottie Tanner out of the back of their house in Beeville, GA. And poor Dan and Dottie can't keep up with all these regulations! Not with the crops going bad and Dottie's bad hip. Won't you have pity on mega-banks! Bank regulation is killing the American farmer! Just kidding, B of A and all the others are run by rich assholes in suits. Fooled you.
3) Hey Donald Trump! HEY! Fuck you! There are a million reasons to hate you: you're racist, your misogynist, you scream, you lie, you make stupid faces... but I am flipping you the middle finger this morning because you said Hilary Clinton was wearing a wig. You. Said Hilary Clinton. Was wearing. A. Wig. YOU. Donald Trump. I mean, it was, Matt Drudge, who originally said it, and you jumped on the bandwagon and embraced it, so it isn't even ORIGINAL. Look, I was going to talk about how ridiculous it is to attack a candidate's appearance because sexism/irrelevance/assholery and blah blah blah, but instead, I'm going to make fun of your appearance, because I'm a hypocrite, JUST LIKE YOU. OK, here we go. Dude, are you fucking for real? You're going to call someone out on their appearance? YOU?!? Have you fucking SEEN yourself? You look like a pile of cow feces with hay on top. Your perma-frown makes Grumpy Cat look like one of the Osmonds. Your skin is reminiscent of a cowboy's used saddlebag. I could use your under-eye bags as a pillow, you're so fucking puffy and bloated. You look like an old tooth with a merkin on top. Your nasty-ass lips look like a corpse's withered pussy and I'm guessing your breath smells even worse. In short, you're an ugly old bastard with an even uglier mind. You're a factory-reject dildo with no ideas, no experience, no compassion, and no critical thinking skills. Also your hair looks fucking stupid. Feels shitty, doesn't it? Maybe stop talking about Clinton's (and Fiorina's) appearance, and focus on trying to speak above a 4th grade reading level, you idiot. Again I say, and not for the last time, fuck you.
4) Yesterday was Veteran's Day. Here is a shoutout to any vets reading: Thank you for serving. Thank you for doing what I am certainly not capable of doing. Thank you. Also, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that you were put in harm's way, and I'm doubly sorry for the ways that we fail to care for you when you return home. At best, I'm sorry for the trauma you suffered and triumphed over. At worst, I'm sorry for the PTSD, the sexual assault, the poverty, the high unemployment, the mental illness, the homelessness, the substance abuse, and so much more that is a result of the danger that you face every day. I'm sorry for the 22 of you who commit suicide every day because we failed to help you. You wait months for Veteran's Affairs to help you, and suffer empty promises of better care. We fail you every day, and still you serve with pride. Thank you. And for the rest of us, please write your representative or sign a petition or give to a charity or at the very least talk about how fucked this is. Our veterans deserve better.
Until next week, kiddos.
1) I think I would be remiss if I didn't start with Redcupgate. Clearly this is the stupidest thing ever to happen, and I actually have seen zero people in the real, non-internet world supporting this nonsense, so hooray for everyone I know. In fact, this nonsense has so many people talking about how these Christians are misguided and wrong, and how their religion has no place for this stupidity, and I love it. I've not seen this sort of Rational Christian vs. Borderline Insane Christian realness in a long time. Maybe ever? People are running to call these morons on their bullshit (as they should, because OMG), but it is leaving me a little pissy that this doesn't happen more often. Especially that it doesn't happen more often with stuff that actually matters. Because Redcupgate, while irritating, doesn't matter. It's a paper coffee cup, and Starbucks will continue to be rich as fuck and serve overpriced, burnt-to-shit coffee and people will continue to drink it and everyone wins. What I am wondering about is why people aren't more vocal when it's something like gay marriage or birth control access or climate change or reproductive rights or income inequality or whatever. I mean, I certainly know a lot of Christians who support all of those things. I know a lot of Christians who think fundies are bonkers, but I don't see them often posting a ton of memes about how their intolerance is not very Christlike. Maybe someone can explain it to me? Is it like, showing professional courtesy to your fellow Christian? Because if so, where is the reluctance to criticize Redcupgate? For instance, last week Bobby Jindal and Mike Huckabee shared a stage with Pastor Kevin Swanson. Who is he, you ask? Well he is a Colorado pastor/nutcase who thinks that gays should be executed. Really. REALLY. He has said it many times. Rational Christians, where are my memes about how these people are idiots? It's got to be embarrassing to have the most vocal representatives of your religion (whether you like it or not) be Evangelical fundamentalist types. Real talk: if you don't believe in climate change or you think being gay is a choice, you're a fucking idiot, and it doesn't matter how you were raised or what an old book that is mostly analogies says about it, because there are plenty of people with the same background out there smart enough to think critically. If you believe that AND you want to legislate against it, you are being an asshole. And kind, intelligent, rational, reasonable Christians, you get lumped in with that mess! I certainly don't think of you when someone talks about the religious in this country. I think of some sweaty crazyface pastor with shiny teeth who thinks that gays should be stoned to death. I want to think of you guys. I do. I really, really, really, really do. So I'm pleading with you to start denouncing this nonsense. Shame them. I'm an agnostic with a chip on my shoulder. I can't shame people who think I'm going to burn in hell. But you can. Loving essays by kind pastors just aren't enough, because these people clearly lack critical reading skills. Start yelling, because they are WAY LOUDER THAN YOU ARE. So loud that I can't hear you! Even Jesus lost his temper when he called out hypocrisy, so I think he'll forgive you.
2) Republican debate number 14 zillion billion was on Tuesday night and I tot-ZZZZZZZ. Seriously, who even cares at this point? They've cut several people from the big kids table, and there are still too many damned people up there to actually debate. There was a Jeopardy buzzer this time, so that was.... new. All the dudes wore black suits with red ties except for Carson, who showed up in a light blue striped number, and then Cruz was like "on debate days we wear red" so maybe that's why Carson hardly said anything. Or maybe he was busy perfecting his already impeccable Droopy Dog impression. I don't know. But it was really everyone jerking off about getting all BDSM with Dodd-Frank. (If you're not a dork like me and are all WTF are you talking about, Dodd-Frank essentially created tougher rules for the mega-banks responsible for the financial fuckery, especially regarding risky trading, and protects consumers against predations like subprime lending. Anyway.) They are gonna cut it SO HARD. And Dodd-Frank is gonna like it, because it's a dirty little bitch. According to Fiorina, Dodd-Frank is "how Socialism starts," which is an excellent point if you are someone who doesn't know what Socialism is and if you are trying to distract everyone from the fact that you are one of the worst CEOs of all time and have never held public office. Jeb! also attacked it, even though he presided over a state with one of the largest housing bubbles because watching Florida foreclose was hilarious. You see, big banks are really just small businesses, and these poor little mom and pop banks just can't handle it. Take Bank of America, for instance. I bet you thought that they were a big corporation, but it's actually run by Dan and Dottie Tanner out of the back of their house in Beeville, GA. And poor Dan and Dottie can't keep up with all these regulations! Not with the crops going bad and Dottie's bad hip. Won't you have pity on mega-banks! Bank regulation is killing the American farmer! Just kidding, B of A and all the others are run by rich assholes in suits. Fooled you.
3) Hey Donald Trump! HEY! Fuck you! There are a million reasons to hate you: you're racist, your misogynist, you scream, you lie, you make stupid faces... but I am flipping you the middle finger this morning because you said Hilary Clinton was wearing a wig. You. Said Hilary Clinton. Was wearing. A. Wig. YOU. Donald Trump. I mean, it was, Matt Drudge, who originally said it, and you jumped on the bandwagon and embraced it, so it isn't even ORIGINAL. Look, I was going to talk about how ridiculous it is to attack a candidate's appearance because sexism/irrelevance/assholery and blah blah blah, but instead, I'm going to make fun of your appearance, because I'm a hypocrite, JUST LIKE YOU. OK, here we go. Dude, are you fucking for real? You're going to call someone out on their appearance? YOU?!? Have you fucking SEEN yourself? You look like a pile of cow feces with hay on top. Your perma-frown makes Grumpy Cat look like one of the Osmonds. Your skin is reminiscent of a cowboy's used saddlebag. I could use your under-eye bags as a pillow, you're so fucking puffy and bloated. You look like an old tooth with a merkin on top. Your nasty-ass lips look like a corpse's withered pussy and I'm guessing your breath smells even worse. In short, you're an ugly old bastard with an even uglier mind. You're a factory-reject dildo with no ideas, no experience, no compassion, and no critical thinking skills. Also your hair looks fucking stupid. Feels shitty, doesn't it? Maybe stop talking about Clinton's (and Fiorina's) appearance, and focus on trying to speak above a 4th grade reading level, you idiot. Again I say, and not for the last time, fuck you.
4) Yesterday was Veteran's Day. Here is a shoutout to any vets reading: Thank you for serving. Thank you for doing what I am certainly not capable of doing. Thank you. Also, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that you were put in harm's way, and I'm doubly sorry for the ways that we fail to care for you when you return home. At best, I'm sorry for the trauma you suffered and triumphed over. At worst, I'm sorry for the PTSD, the sexual assault, the poverty, the high unemployment, the mental illness, the homelessness, the substance abuse, and so much more that is a result of the danger that you face every day. I'm sorry for the 22 of you who commit suicide every day because we failed to help you. You wait months for Veteran's Affairs to help you, and suffer empty promises of better care. We fail you every day, and still you serve with pride. Thank you. And for the rest of us, please write your representative or sign a petition or give to a charity or at the very least talk about how fucked this is. Our veterans deserve better.
Until next week, kiddos.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Thursday Rant 11/5/15
Sorry for the late posts, kiddos. I promise it's worth the wait. It's November, which means it's pitch black by 5PM. Let the seasonal depression begin!
1) Let's talk about where we can and can not take a shit. Apparently it's a really big deal. Such a big deal that in Houston people turned out in droves to vote because they thought Proposition 1 would allow a man in drag to go in to a women's public restroom so that they could see ass and titties/molest children. For right now let's ignore the fact that the Houston Equal Rights Ordinance (HERO) actually doesn't directly address public restrooms, and we'll even ignore the fact that transgender is not another word for a pedophile. No, I want to talk about what the hell kind of porno public restrooms that those who oppose HERO are using. I'm a lady, and I've used public restrooms. In fact, I've used public restrooms in New York City (where the gays live and sin is king and people say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"), and I have seen neither ass nor titties in a public women's room. I've seen some pretty gross stuff (poo smears, cocaine residue, vomit chunks, bloody toilet seats), but no ass and titties. Not once in my 30-some years on this blue marble have I seen ladies just walking around topless. It's not the shower scene from Carrie, it's a bathroom. My dear friends, we use the bathroom to eliminate waste from our systems. Basta. Of course, a reminder to all the idiots out there who equate being LGBT with being a sexual predator... there is no correlation between the two. And in the 200 cities and 17 states that have a similar law on the books, there are 0 clear examples of people using the law to abuse an adult or child. There is no danger of that. Like, none. Of course, anyone who pays attention knows that there is danger for a transperson to use a bathroom that doesn't match their gender identity. At best, they'll get embarrassing stares or comments. The worst is much, much worse. About a quarter of transpeople (it goes up for transwomen, and goes up even higher for transwomen of color) have experienced hate-fueled violence and/or sexual violence. 1 in 12 will be murdered. (Stats via HRC) So for fuck's sake, Houston... get it together and show some basic human decency. This law is about housing and jobs and the right of every person to feel safe in their community. If you don't want to use the same hole in the ground for shitting as a person who is different from you, then hold your pee and stay home.
2) So the Republican presidential candidates have compiled a list of demands for their next debate. I guess it's not so much a list of demands as it is like, a tour rider. Like they're J Lo and they need their dressing room to be filled with white candles or something. Mostly, they don't want to answer any difficult questions. Also in the list of demands is that the room has be at 67 degrees or less. I'm assuming that this is Chris Christie's doing because he is essentially a sweatier version of Tony Soprano. There is also something about not focusing the camera on an empty podium when a candidate is on a bathroom break. I don't know the reason, but I'm willing to be that Rand Paul gets the nervous poops and doesn't want everyone to know. You know what, let's just say that's the reason. Put it all over the internet. Of course it's fucking Trump leading the pack on the "asking me questions is mean" issue. Of course. Because Trump is somehow inexplicably the leader of this mess. Like if this were Mean Girls, Trump would be Regina George, Ben Carson would be Karen, and Jeb Bush would definitely be Gretchen Wieners. (Stop trying to make "Jeb can fix it" happen, Gretchen.) Anyway. So Trump is Queen Bee of the Idiots, because he (and Carson, but more on that shit in a sec) have the most to lose when people ask them questions that require coherent answers. When you read at a third grade level, it's got to be pretty fucking hard to answer basic questions like "what is your economic policy?" and "how will you pay for a wall around the United States?" DUDES (and Carly). You want to be president. People are sometimes going to be mean to you. And by "be mean to you" I actually mean "ask you completely valid questions about your policies or lack thereof."
3) This is going to be a short rant, but I needed you guys to know about it. Remember when I called Ben Carson an idiot like, one paragraph up?? It could have been for any number of reasons, but here's why this week: Despite all evidence to the contrary, Ben Carson doesn't think that the pyramids were used as tombs. Yes, I know that they have found many tombs inside the pyramids, but Ben Carson thinks that they were probably used as grain storage. You know, because they were so big. And who built these wonders? Hebrew slaves? Well, kind of. But one Hebrew slave in particular was responsible, and his name was Joseph. He is most famous for having dickhead brothers, and especially for possessing a coat of many colors (it was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and grey and purple and white and pink and orange and blue), but according to Dr. Carson, he totes built the pyramids, which were totally used as grain storage. This man is a Republican presidential candidate. Take that shit in.
4)Goddamn it, it's Christmas again. All I want is to waltz in to Rite Aid to buy heavily discounted Halloween candy, and I can't because it's fucking Christmas already. What's that you say? Christmas isn't for almost 2 goddamn months? How was I to know? According to every store ever, Santa is on his way, even though it is 72 and sunny today. If it will stave off the relentless pressure to be cheerful, I'll even take another month of Pumpkin Spice Mania, even though it is a disgusting scourge upon humanity. But I'll take it! I'll take Mr. Autumn and Ms. Basic with their puffy vests and duckface and Ugg boots and PSLs. I'll take them happily, because apart from the clicking of their selfies, they don't really make noise or annoy others. But Mrs. Christmas (she's married to Mr. Self-Righteous) makes a lot of noise. She makes a lot of noise because her sweater vest has bells on it. She makes a lot of noise because she has to huff and puff if you are next to her in line. She especially makes a lot of noise when she beats another woman to death in a Wal-Mart over a present that is supposed to celebrate the birth of Christ (aka a Jewish hippie in sandals who preached love and nonviolence). Mr. Self-Righteous would like to remind you very loudly to keep Christ in CHRISTmas, and not use X-Mas, even though X-mas actually means Christmas because X is old world shorthand for Christ from back when Christians were ACTUALLY persecuted, but what do I know, I'm just a person with a brain and an internet connection. In short, they are the WORST. I hate them, and they are everywhere. They've been sniffing around since August, but now that Halloween has come and gone, they are out in full force, ruining my fucking life. Look, Christmas is a beautiful holiday. I love the sparkles and the carols and the free-flowing liquor, and if you're into Jesus, it has a really beautiful message of love and redemption. Plus I look fabulous in red lipstick. BUT MY GOD. Can't it wait? I have approximately 2 weeks of Christmas Patience, so by the time those 2 weeks are up, I still have 5 weeks of wanting to murder everyone I see with a smile on their face. And by the time it is ACTUALLY Christmas? Fucking forget it. I just want to nap and drink spiked egg nog until I wake up on New Year's Day. So guys, can we not this year? Can we keep up the turkey stuff for another month? Don't put it on clearance yet, because when you do... Santa moves in.
1) Let's talk about where we can and can not take a shit. Apparently it's a really big deal. Such a big deal that in Houston people turned out in droves to vote because they thought Proposition 1 would allow a man in drag to go in to a women's public restroom so that they could see ass and titties/molest children. For right now let's ignore the fact that the Houston Equal Rights Ordinance (HERO) actually doesn't directly address public restrooms, and we'll even ignore the fact that transgender is not another word for a pedophile. No, I want to talk about what the hell kind of porno public restrooms that those who oppose HERO are using. I'm a lady, and I've used public restrooms. In fact, I've used public restrooms in New York City (where the gays live and sin is king and people say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"), and I have seen neither ass nor titties in a public women's room. I've seen some pretty gross stuff (poo smears, cocaine residue, vomit chunks, bloody toilet seats), but no ass and titties. Not once in my 30-some years on this blue marble have I seen ladies just walking around topless. It's not the shower scene from Carrie, it's a bathroom. My dear friends, we use the bathroom to eliminate waste from our systems. Basta. Of course, a reminder to all the idiots out there who equate being LGBT with being a sexual predator... there is no correlation between the two. And in the 200 cities and 17 states that have a similar law on the books, there are 0 clear examples of people using the law to abuse an adult or child. There is no danger of that. Like, none. Of course, anyone who pays attention knows that there is danger for a transperson to use a bathroom that doesn't match their gender identity. At best, they'll get embarrassing stares or comments. The worst is much, much worse. About a quarter of transpeople (it goes up for transwomen, and goes up even higher for transwomen of color) have experienced hate-fueled violence and/or sexual violence. 1 in 12 will be murdered. (Stats via HRC) So for fuck's sake, Houston... get it together and show some basic human decency. This law is about housing and jobs and the right of every person to feel safe in their community. If you don't want to use the same hole in the ground for shitting as a person who is different from you, then hold your pee and stay home.
2) So the Republican presidential candidates have compiled a list of demands for their next debate. I guess it's not so much a list of demands as it is like, a tour rider. Like they're J Lo and they need their dressing room to be filled with white candles or something. Mostly, they don't want to answer any difficult questions. Also in the list of demands is that the room has be at 67 degrees or less. I'm assuming that this is Chris Christie's doing because he is essentially a sweatier version of Tony Soprano. There is also something about not focusing the camera on an empty podium when a candidate is on a bathroom break. I don't know the reason, but I'm willing to be that Rand Paul gets the nervous poops and doesn't want everyone to know. You know what, let's just say that's the reason. Put it all over the internet. Of course it's fucking Trump leading the pack on the "asking me questions is mean" issue. Of course. Because Trump is somehow inexplicably the leader of this mess. Like if this were Mean Girls, Trump would be Regina George, Ben Carson would be Karen, and Jeb Bush would definitely be Gretchen Wieners. (Stop trying to make "Jeb can fix it" happen, Gretchen.) Anyway. So Trump is Queen Bee of the Idiots, because he (and Carson, but more on that shit in a sec) have the most to lose when people ask them questions that require coherent answers. When you read at a third grade level, it's got to be pretty fucking hard to answer basic questions like "what is your economic policy?" and "how will you pay for a wall around the United States?" DUDES (and Carly). You want to be president. People are sometimes going to be mean to you. And by "be mean to you" I actually mean "ask you completely valid questions about your policies or lack thereof."
3) This is going to be a short rant, but I needed you guys to know about it. Remember when I called Ben Carson an idiot like, one paragraph up?? It could have been for any number of reasons, but here's why this week: Despite all evidence to the contrary, Ben Carson doesn't think that the pyramids were used as tombs. Yes, I know that they have found many tombs inside the pyramids, but Ben Carson thinks that they were probably used as grain storage. You know, because they were so big. And who built these wonders? Hebrew slaves? Well, kind of. But one Hebrew slave in particular was responsible, and his name was Joseph. He is most famous for having dickhead brothers, and especially for possessing a coat of many colors (it was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and grey and purple and white and pink and orange and blue), but according to Dr. Carson, he totes built the pyramids, which were totally used as grain storage. This man is a Republican presidential candidate. Take that shit in.
4)Goddamn it, it's Christmas again. All I want is to waltz in to Rite Aid to buy heavily discounted Halloween candy, and I can't because it's fucking Christmas already. What's that you say? Christmas isn't for almost 2 goddamn months? How was I to know? According to every store ever, Santa is on his way, even though it is 72 and sunny today. If it will stave off the relentless pressure to be cheerful, I'll even take another month of Pumpkin Spice Mania, even though it is a disgusting scourge upon humanity. But I'll take it! I'll take Mr. Autumn and Ms. Basic with their puffy vests and duckface and Ugg boots and PSLs. I'll take them happily, because apart from the clicking of their selfies, they don't really make noise or annoy others. But Mrs. Christmas (she's married to Mr. Self-Righteous) makes a lot of noise. She makes a lot of noise because her sweater vest has bells on it. She makes a lot of noise because she has to huff and puff if you are next to her in line. She especially makes a lot of noise when she beats another woman to death in a Wal-Mart over a present that is supposed to celebrate the birth of Christ (aka a Jewish hippie in sandals who preached love and nonviolence). Mr. Self-Righteous would like to remind you very loudly to keep Christ in CHRISTmas, and not use X-Mas, even though X-mas actually means Christmas because X is old world shorthand for Christ from back when Christians were ACTUALLY persecuted, but what do I know, I'm just a person with a brain and an internet connection. In short, they are the WORST. I hate them, and they are everywhere. They've been sniffing around since August, but now that Halloween has come and gone, they are out in full force, ruining my fucking life. Look, Christmas is a beautiful holiday. I love the sparkles and the carols and the free-flowing liquor, and if you're into Jesus, it has a really beautiful message of love and redemption. Plus I look fabulous in red lipstick. BUT MY GOD. Can't it wait? I have approximately 2 weeks of Christmas Patience, so by the time those 2 weeks are up, I still have 5 weeks of wanting to murder everyone I see with a smile on their face. And by the time it is ACTUALLY Christmas? Fucking forget it. I just want to nap and drink spiked egg nog until I wake up on New Year's Day. So guys, can we not this year? Can we keep up the turkey stuff for another month? Don't put it on clearance yet, because when you do... Santa moves in.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Controversial List: The Worst Halloween Candy
Without comment, I present to you the worst candy to get while Trick or Treating:
1) Plain M&Ms.
2) Necco Wafers.
3) Twizzlers/Red Vines.
4) Plain Hershey bar.
5) Red Hots
6) That candy that is just dots on a piece of paper. What the fuck.
7) Bubble Gum.
8) Mike & Ikes.
9) Generic circular lollypop like the ones you get from bank tellers.
10) Raisins. Fuck you.
1) Plain M&Ms.
2) Necco Wafers.
3) Twizzlers/Red Vines.
4) Plain Hershey bar.
5) Red Hots
6) That candy that is just dots on a piece of paper. What the fuck.
7) Bubble Gum.
8) Mike & Ikes.
9) Generic circular lollypop like the ones you get from bank tellers.
10) Raisins. Fuck you.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Thursday Rant - 10/29/15
Happy almost-Halloween, my friends in realness. Let's get crackin'.
1) So, GOP debate number infinity was last night, and because I love you, I watched it. Well, I caught up last night and this morning, because I have better shit to do than watch it live, like drinking wine. Fiorina royally screwed HP employees, Trump's immigration plan is literally an Arrested Development plot point, Carson is a soft-spoken mental patient , Rand Paul and John Kasich are apparently still running, Chris Christie is a sweaty mob boss, etc. Marco Rubio won, I guess? It doesn't really matter, because there are like 34 more debates to go, but you know who DIDN'T win? Jeb Bush. Holy shit, you guys. Like, Ted Cruz did better than he did. Fucking TED CRUZ, who literally said (admitted?) "if you want someone to grab a beer with, I may not be that guy. But if you want someone to drive you home, I will get the job done and I will get you home." That mole-faced loser beat Jeb Bush by a landslide. The Sociopath Bush barely spoke, and when he did, he said shit about giving people "a warm kiss." EW. FUCKING EW, DUDE. Stop saying gross stuff like that! You already made Supergirl want to barf, so let's not gross out the rest of America. It was pretty boring because Carson didn't compare anything to the Holocaust OR slavery, and the only one up there who didn't respond like a kid at a high school speech and debate competition was Rubio, who barely shows up to his current job. Many of them could barely respond to questions about THEIR OWN CAMPAIGN PLATFORMS. These are your best bets? Admittedly the moderator was shit, but literally every candidate has since made a whiny statement about how the questions were too tough for their fragile little egos. You want to be the fucking president! Nut up. Hilary listened to 11 hours of old dudes yelling at her, and all we got were a ton of awesome GIFs. Bitch is gonna eat their nominee alive, and I'm gonna love it. *CHOMP*
2) It's almost Halloween, so I just wanted to issue a quick public service announcement about costumes. Don't go as another race for Halloween. Don't do that, you guys. Don't. Fucking don't. You are (maybe not on purpose) being totally racist. Obviously if you're leaving the house in black face (or red face or yellow face), you are an asshole who should be taken behind the shed and shot, but how else do you know if you're fucking up Halloween? I will tell you. I discussed this with a friend on FB yesterday, and the example was brought up about say, a non-white person going as Abe Lincoln, and was that racist... Let me tell you why that's OK but a white girl going as Pocahontas is not. White people, a good rule of thumb is this: if the people you want to dress as have suffered under white oppression, just stop yourself right there. If you can't manage to do that, think of it this way. So if you dress up as Pocahontas, how will we tell you are Pocahontas? You'll probably find a generic "Indian" dress, and put your hair in braids, and wear a feather or headdress of some kind. And what's wrong with that? You didn't paint your face red, so why don't I lighten up? Nope. Sorry, bitches. Let's talk about cultural appropriation and why it sucks. When you dress up as Pocahontas you are (probably culturally incorrectly) wearing articles of clothing or accessories that are specific to her culture without knowledge of their meaning or importance, and you are using those important things as a costume. Not only is this disrespectful, it takes away from the humanity of the person whose life you're wearing as a costume. This goes for generic Geisha or generic Mexican Guy (complete with sombrero and fake mustache!) or what have you. Just go as Zombie Ninja Turtle or something.
3) If you're defending Ben Fields (the school safety officer who tackled a non-resisting child in a classroom), you need to go home, stand in front of a mirror, and punch yourself in the face. Look, teenagers are assholes. I was an asshole, you were an asshole, and your children and your children's children will ever be thus. Is refusing to put away your phone during class a dick move? Totally. Is an adult man flipping over a desk, dragging out a wee and unarmed girl an appropriate fucking reaction to teenage assholery? If your answer is yes, I'm going to suggest that you sterilize yourself immediately. Do you know what else is totally appropriate? Arresting the student who was crying and praying after she witnessed you assault her classmate. You can get arrested by a school safety officer for crying? Really? Fucking really? Unsurprisingly, this particular officer has had multiple force complaints. WHO COULD BELIEVE IT. Fuck this guy, but you know what, I need to tell a few more people to fuck off, too. Let's not forget the teacher, who JUST. FUCKING. STOOD. THERE. while one of his students was thrown to the ground. He should fuck off. And the delightful Sheriff Lott, who literally defended this douchebag by saying that Fields was dating an "African-American Female." Oh, he has black friends, so this is totally OK. *brain explodes* Oh, and Fields was right to "put his hands on her?" Right. Ah, and both girls will still be charged with "disruptive behavior," whatever the fuck that means? Cool. This guy can fuck off too. And when the hell did regular classroom issues become criminal cases? I understand having cops in schools for REAL crimes, you know like the assault that this officer committed on this girl, but why was he even there to deal with some kid who was playing on her phone in class and didn't want to leave? What kind of police state fuckery is this? I feel like I'm in some sort of dystopian future where somehow racism is still a thing. Thankfully this tool is no longer employed, and I'm pretty confident in saying that the "African-American Female" he was dating has dumped his sorry ass.
Have a reckless and moderately unsafe Halloween, kids!
1) So, GOP debate number infinity was last night, and because I love you, I watched it. Well, I caught up last night and this morning, because I have better shit to do than watch it live, like drinking wine. Fiorina royally screwed HP employees, Trump's immigration plan is literally an Arrested Development plot point, Carson is a soft-spoken mental patient , Rand Paul and John Kasich are apparently still running, Chris Christie is a sweaty mob boss, etc. Marco Rubio won, I guess? It doesn't really matter, because there are like 34 more debates to go, but you know who DIDN'T win? Jeb Bush. Holy shit, you guys. Like, Ted Cruz did better than he did. Fucking TED CRUZ, who literally said (admitted?) "if you want someone to grab a beer with, I may not be that guy. But if you want someone to drive you home, I will get the job done and I will get you home." That mole-faced loser beat Jeb Bush by a landslide. The Sociopath Bush barely spoke, and when he did, he said shit about giving people "a warm kiss." EW. FUCKING EW, DUDE. Stop saying gross stuff like that! You already made Supergirl want to barf, so let's not gross out the rest of America. It was pretty boring because Carson didn't compare anything to the Holocaust OR slavery, and the only one up there who didn't respond like a kid at a high school speech and debate competition was Rubio, who barely shows up to his current job. Many of them could barely respond to questions about THEIR OWN CAMPAIGN PLATFORMS. These are your best bets? Admittedly the moderator was shit, but literally every candidate has since made a whiny statement about how the questions were too tough for their fragile little egos. You want to be the fucking president! Nut up. Hilary listened to 11 hours of old dudes yelling at her, and all we got were a ton of awesome GIFs. Bitch is gonna eat their nominee alive, and I'm gonna love it. *CHOMP*
2) It's almost Halloween, so I just wanted to issue a quick public service announcement about costumes. Don't go as another race for Halloween. Don't do that, you guys. Don't. Fucking don't. You are (maybe not on purpose) being totally racist. Obviously if you're leaving the house in black face (or red face or yellow face), you are an asshole who should be taken behind the shed and shot, but how else do you know if you're fucking up Halloween? I will tell you. I discussed this with a friend on FB yesterday, and the example was brought up about say, a non-white person going as Abe Lincoln, and was that racist... Let me tell you why that's OK but a white girl going as Pocahontas is not. White people, a good rule of thumb is this: if the people you want to dress as have suffered under white oppression, just stop yourself right there. If you can't manage to do that, think of it this way. So if you dress up as Pocahontas, how will we tell you are Pocahontas? You'll probably find a generic "Indian" dress, and put your hair in braids, and wear a feather or headdress of some kind. And what's wrong with that? You didn't paint your face red, so why don't I lighten up? Nope. Sorry, bitches. Let's talk about cultural appropriation and why it sucks. When you dress up as Pocahontas you are (probably culturally incorrectly) wearing articles of clothing or accessories that are specific to her culture without knowledge of their meaning or importance, and you are using those important things as a costume. Not only is this disrespectful, it takes away from the humanity of the person whose life you're wearing as a costume. This goes for generic Geisha or generic Mexican Guy (complete with sombrero and fake mustache!) or what have you. Just go as Zombie Ninja Turtle or something.
3) If you're defending Ben Fields (the school safety officer who tackled a non-resisting child in a classroom), you need to go home, stand in front of a mirror, and punch yourself in the face. Look, teenagers are assholes. I was an asshole, you were an asshole, and your children and your children's children will ever be thus. Is refusing to put away your phone during class a dick move? Totally. Is an adult man flipping over a desk, dragging out a wee and unarmed girl an appropriate fucking reaction to teenage assholery? If your answer is yes, I'm going to suggest that you sterilize yourself immediately. Do you know what else is totally appropriate? Arresting the student who was crying and praying after she witnessed you assault her classmate. You can get arrested by a school safety officer for crying? Really? Fucking really? Unsurprisingly, this particular officer has had multiple force complaints. WHO COULD BELIEVE IT. Fuck this guy, but you know what, I need to tell a few more people to fuck off, too. Let's not forget the teacher, who JUST. FUCKING. STOOD. THERE. while one of his students was thrown to the ground. He should fuck off. And the delightful Sheriff Lott, who literally defended this douchebag by saying that Fields was dating an "African-American Female." Oh, he has black friends, so this is totally OK. *brain explodes* Oh, and Fields was right to "put his hands on her?" Right. Ah, and both girls will still be charged with "disruptive behavior," whatever the fuck that means? Cool. This guy can fuck off too. And when the hell did regular classroom issues become criminal cases? I understand having cops in schools for REAL crimes, you know like the assault that this officer committed on this girl, but why was he even there to deal with some kid who was playing on her phone in class and didn't want to leave? What kind of police state fuckery is this? I feel like I'm in some sort of dystopian future where somehow racism is still a thing. Thankfully this tool is no longer employed, and I'm pretty confident in saying that the "African-American Female" he was dating has dumped his sorry ass.
Have a reckless and moderately unsafe Halloween, kids!
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Thursday Rant 10/21/15
First of all, Happy (Belated) Back To The Future Day! It was a slow news week, but I found some realness for you.
1) Holy shit, did you guys see the new Star Wars trailer?!?! We've all been waiting for it for months, and it looks so good! Everyone loves Star Wars! Conservative, liberal, gay, straight, old, young.... Finally, something to bring the whole country together! Nothing could possibly ruin thi- Oh. Oh, a few White Men® are freaking out because there is a black guy in it? Nevermind, everything is still the fucking worst. I'm not making this up, you guys. Apparently I watched the trailer wrong, because it's not about The Force or lightsabers or old Harrison Ford, it's about white genocide. I know, I missed it at first, too! But someone has to stand up for the underrepresented White Men® of this world, and if I don't then who will. So for those of you who want to be sensitive about this Very Important Issue, I'm here to help. A good way to tell that a movie is racist against White Men® is to look at the casting. You see, if there are any people of color appearing on the screen for longer than .5 seconds, then that movie is anti-white. And Star Wars isn't just racist, it's sexist, too! Did you know that one of the leads is a woman? They even let her talk, and I'm pretty sure we won't get to see her tits. I'm sorry but this will not stand. Congratulations, Star Wars. You just lost the white supremacist nerd vote. Enjoy your flop of a film. #boycottstarwarsvii
2) Remember Paul Ryan? He likes to do P90X and apparently is like, a congressman or something? I guess he's going to take John "Tan Mom" Boehner's place as Speaker of the House! Good for him? Maybe? Nobody wants this job, but Paul Ryan is here for us now. But like anyone who is holding people hostage, he has issued a list of demands. And these demands have made him hated by the Freedom Caucus. So if you don't know who they are, they're the ULTRA-MEGA-CONSERVATIVES in Congress. The Tea Baggers. Like, they're the guys who think that Paul Ryan is way too liberal to be Speaker. Those dudes. Almost all of his demands involve him forcing them to support him and no promising them anything. But there are only like, 10 of them, so how bad could that be? Oh, that could shut this whole thing down? Cool. Greatest country in the world. But don't worry, fellow liberals. Even though we share a common enemy, you can still hate on Paul Ryan, too. His other demand was that he get to spend time with his family. Aww! I actually like that, but I'm gonna hate on it, and here's why: Paul Ryan would like family leave, but he also would not like others to have family leave. Womp-womp. Buddy, you shot down paid parental leave both in the public and private sectors and you voted for deep cuts to childcare subsidies for low income families, but I'm so glad that you get to fly home every weekend to spend that time with your three young children. How very fortunate for you. You know, if you had a better record of giving a shit about anyone but yourself, you'd be a hero for this. Seriously. But you don't, broseph. You don't. You want a special something that you don't want to share with others, but the rest of us learned how to do that in kindergarten. So either hop on the Basic Human Decency Bus, or go back to idolizing Ayn Rand and keep your mouth shut.
3) I'm not going to lie, but I kind of forgot that Jeb Bush was running for president. I get so distracted by Donald Trump and Ben Carson that I forget about the dude in the glasses a little bit. But dude is turning it up a little. He's got way more money than anyone else, and he does kind of seem like the only dude who wouldn't fill the White House with hookers and pictures of Jesus, so that's good. He let us know that he would like to fuck the actress who plays Supergirl, so that's awkward. He even got his bro George W. to come to some campaign stuff, who established himself as the ex-president who gives the least of a shit about anything. It's so great. Everyone else is out there doing humanitarian work or something, and GWB is just hanging out at home, painting shitty pictures of Putin. I love it. But he came out of hiding the other day, and while I'm sure he said some other stuff, the only thing I remember is that he threw shade at Ted Cruz. "I just don't like the guy." Awwww, SNAP! Ted Cruz used to work for GWB! Dude, that's cold. It is universally known that Ted Cruz has the most punchable face in Washington, but how shitty of a person do you have to be to have GWB not like you. I imagine GWB as kind of a Labrador Retriever. He's sort of stupid and drooly and eager to please and he likes everybody immediately. Dude likes Dick Cheney, who is essentially a modern day Emperor Palpatine, but even he doesn't like Ted Cruz! He can barely fucking string two words together, but he managed to say that he doesn't like Ted Cruz. It just makes me so happy, you guys. I knew no one liked that Eddie Munster-looking fool, but now I have proof. GWB proof.
4) I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this, but did you know that those Planned Parenthood smear videos are heavily edited in order to be deceptive? And that the footage of a fully-formed fetus isn't from an abortion, it's from a stillborn birth? And did you know that PP just decided not to take reimbursement for tissue donation costs so everyone will shut up but somehow no one is? I'm trying to spread the knowledge, because apparently a few people haven't heard yet. Ohio voted to defund Planned Parenthood last night and Texas cut off Medicaid funding to PP, because apparently nothing will stop the war on low income men, women, and children. Really, what else can I say about this that hasn't already been said? It's hard to come up with more arguments, but I also won't ever shut up about this. LOL Texas, what are you even doing? You know there is a federal law that prevents you from denying Medicaid funding to abortion providers, right? It's been struck down in every state that has tried to pull that shit, so don't pretend that this is anything but you jerking off conservative groups. At this point the jerking off isn't really worth anything. As Frank Reynolds once said to Gail the Snail: "Stop, you're just mashing it now." So can we stop with this shit? I know you hate poor people. I know that just like Paul Ryan, you don't care about things until they directly affect you. But can you choose someone else to take a shit on for a little while? Low-income women are practically buried under your feces. At least let them go get a fucking pap smear.
Until next week...
1) Holy shit, did you guys see the new Star Wars trailer?!?! We've all been waiting for it for months, and it looks so good! Everyone loves Star Wars! Conservative, liberal, gay, straight, old, young.... Finally, something to bring the whole country together! Nothing could possibly ruin thi- Oh. Oh, a few White Men® are freaking out because there is a black guy in it? Nevermind, everything is still the fucking worst. I'm not making this up, you guys. Apparently I watched the trailer wrong, because it's not about The Force or lightsabers or old Harrison Ford, it's about white genocide. I know, I missed it at first, too! But someone has to stand up for the underrepresented White Men® of this world, and if I don't then who will. So for those of you who want to be sensitive about this Very Important Issue, I'm here to help. A good way to tell that a movie is racist against White Men® is to look at the casting. You see, if there are any people of color appearing on the screen for longer than .5 seconds, then that movie is anti-white. And Star Wars isn't just racist, it's sexist, too! Did you know that one of the leads is a woman? They even let her talk, and I'm pretty sure we won't get to see her tits. I'm sorry but this will not stand. Congratulations, Star Wars. You just lost the white supremacist nerd vote. Enjoy your flop of a film. #boycottstarwarsvii
2) Remember Paul Ryan? He likes to do P90X and apparently is like, a congressman or something? I guess he's going to take John "Tan Mom" Boehner's place as Speaker of the House! Good for him? Maybe? Nobody wants this job, but Paul Ryan is here for us now. But like anyone who is holding people hostage, he has issued a list of demands. And these demands have made him hated by the Freedom Caucus. So if you don't know who they are, they're the ULTRA-MEGA-CONSERVATIVES in Congress. The Tea Baggers. Like, they're the guys who think that Paul Ryan is way too liberal to be Speaker. Those dudes. Almost all of his demands involve him forcing them to support him and no promising them anything. But there are only like, 10 of them, so how bad could that be? Oh, that could shut this whole thing down? Cool. Greatest country in the world. But don't worry, fellow liberals. Even though we share a common enemy, you can still hate on Paul Ryan, too. His other demand was that he get to spend time with his family. Aww! I actually like that, but I'm gonna hate on it, and here's why: Paul Ryan would like family leave, but he also would not like others to have family leave. Womp-womp. Buddy, you shot down paid parental leave both in the public and private sectors and you voted for deep cuts to childcare subsidies for low income families, but I'm so glad that you get to fly home every weekend to spend that time with your three young children. How very fortunate for you. You know, if you had a better record of giving a shit about anyone but yourself, you'd be a hero for this. Seriously. But you don't, broseph. You don't. You want a special something that you don't want to share with others, but the rest of us learned how to do that in kindergarten. So either hop on the Basic Human Decency Bus, or go back to idolizing Ayn Rand and keep your mouth shut.
3) I'm not going to lie, but I kind of forgot that Jeb Bush was running for president. I get so distracted by Donald Trump and Ben Carson that I forget about the dude in the glasses a little bit. But dude is turning it up a little. He's got way more money than anyone else, and he does kind of seem like the only dude who wouldn't fill the White House with hookers and pictures of Jesus, so that's good. He let us know that he would like to fuck the actress who plays Supergirl, so that's awkward. He even got his bro George W. to come to some campaign stuff, who established himself as the ex-president who gives the least of a shit about anything. It's so great. Everyone else is out there doing humanitarian work or something, and GWB is just hanging out at home, painting shitty pictures of Putin. I love it. But he came out of hiding the other day, and while I'm sure he said some other stuff, the only thing I remember is that he threw shade at Ted Cruz. "I just don't like the guy." Awwww, SNAP! Ted Cruz used to work for GWB! Dude, that's cold. It is universally known that Ted Cruz has the most punchable face in Washington, but how shitty of a person do you have to be to have GWB not like you. I imagine GWB as kind of a Labrador Retriever. He's sort of stupid and drooly and eager to please and he likes everybody immediately. Dude likes Dick Cheney, who is essentially a modern day Emperor Palpatine, but even he doesn't like Ted Cruz! He can barely fucking string two words together, but he managed to say that he doesn't like Ted Cruz. It just makes me so happy, you guys. I knew no one liked that Eddie Munster-looking fool, but now I have proof. GWB proof.
4) I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this, but did you know that those Planned Parenthood smear videos are heavily edited in order to be deceptive? And that the footage of a fully-formed fetus isn't from an abortion, it's from a stillborn birth? And did you know that PP just decided not to take reimbursement for tissue donation costs so everyone will shut up but somehow no one is? I'm trying to spread the knowledge, because apparently a few people haven't heard yet. Ohio voted to defund Planned Parenthood last night and Texas cut off Medicaid funding to PP, because apparently nothing will stop the war on low income men, women, and children. Really, what else can I say about this that hasn't already been said? It's hard to come up with more arguments, but I also won't ever shut up about this. LOL Texas, what are you even doing? You know there is a federal law that prevents you from denying Medicaid funding to abortion providers, right? It's been struck down in every state that has tried to pull that shit, so don't pretend that this is anything but you jerking off conservative groups. At this point the jerking off isn't really worth anything. As Frank Reynolds once said to Gail the Snail: "Stop, you're just mashing it now." So can we stop with this shit? I know you hate poor people. I know that just like Paul Ryan, you don't care about things until they directly affect you. But can you choose someone else to take a shit on for a little while? Low-income women are practically buried under your feces. At least let them go get a fucking pap smear.
Until next week...
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Essential Halloween Viewing
Hi haters! I know this isn't my usual thing, but I've got to spread the Halloween joy. This is my Christmas, you guys. The weather is perfect, little kids are dressed up as killer clowns, I get to binge on candy, and while I watch horror movies all year, this is obviously the best season for it. If you're an amateur horror viewer, I'm here to help. I've got all the horror genres that I totally just made up covered and I've sorted it by fright level, so there's something for everyone. Go hop on over to Netflix, pop some corn, and get ready, bitches.
Here are your fright levels:
Scaredy-Cat, for those of you who have nightmares from Law & Order
Moderate, for all those who have only seen The Exorcist at slumber parties.
Badass, for the bravest among us, with the strongest stomachs.
Film Snob, for jerks who think Freddy Kruger is gauche.
Haunted House
Scaredy-Cat: The House on Haunted Hill. Vincent Price + Skeletons hanging from fishing line. It's awesome and I could watch it at age 10, nightmare-free.
Moderate: The Haunting. This is an old classic, but don't let its age fool you. It is genuinely scary without gore or special effects.
Badass: The Conjuring. It's new(ish) and it's scary as fuck. Who knew clapping was so scary?
Film Snob: The Orphanage. It's foreign, which I know you love, you asshole. It's also scary and beautiful and touching.
Masked Madmen
Scaredy-Cat: Halloween. Ok, so this maybe belongs in the Moderate category, but it is so great. There's almost no gore, and you get to see boobies. Nut up, you can take it.
Moderate: Scream. Worth watching for the opening sequence alone. Bye bye, Drew.
Badass: The Strangers. You'll never answer the door at night again.
Film Snob: Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I don't know why, but this is the right choice.
I Vant To Suck Your Blood
Scaredy-Cat: Fright Night. 80's camp with Prince Humperdink as the vampire. It's funny and just a little scary. Perfect.
Moderate: The Lost Boys. Everyone loves this movie. EVERYONE.
Badass: Near Dark. Truly one of the only bloodsucker movies to ever unsettle me. It's a gory vampire western. Get into it.
Film Snob: A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night. It's absolutely beautiful, you pretentious fuck. (Runners up include Let The Right One In, Nosferatu, and The Hunger. There are a lot of stylish vampire flicks.)
Braaaaaains
Scaredy-Cat: Shaun of The Dead. There are plenty of scares and lotsa gore (it's zombies, for fuck's sake), but you'll be able to break it up by laughing. A lot. One of my favorites.
Moderate: Night of The Living Dead. Ignore the terrible line delivery. It doesn't matter. This is just as scary today as it was when it first came out.
Badass: 28 Days Later. Fast zombies are awful, but the other survivors might be worse.
Film Snob: Dead Alive, because you know you want to see Peter Jackson's first real film. Bring a vomit bucket, because the blood is flowing freely in this one.
Horror for LOLZ
Scaredy-Cat: Slither. I love this movie. Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but hilarious. Bonus points for Nathan Fillion hotness.
Moderate: Tucker & Dale vs. Evil. A great send up of Hillbilly Killer movies. Double bonus points for Alan Tudyk.
Badass: Evil Dead 2. One of my top 5 favorite movies ever. Perfect in every way. Follow it with Army of Darkness for the ultimate evening. On second thought, just watch the whole trilogy, because it's perfection.
Film Snob: American Psycho. More of a satire, if you're going to be a dick about it.
Torture Porn
Scaredy-Cat: Oh honey, no. Don't watch this. Really, no one should watch this.
Moderate: Saw. The original torture porn... it seems almost tame now.
Badass: Hostel. So gross. So satisfying.
Film Snob: The Devil's Rejects. To be honest, this movie made me ill. You'd like it.
Slashers
Scaredy-Cat: Sleepaway Camp. This won't scare you, but you'll never forget the ending.
Moderate: Friday the 13th. Once you see it you'll be able to live for an extra 15 seconds in Scream.
Badass: Black Christmas. My favorite. The stores already have Christmas trees up anyway, so why not watch Margot Kidder get stabbed while carolers sing?
Film Snob: Opera. It's Dario Argento, so it's sickening and beautiful.
Witches and Warlocks
Scaredy-Cat: The Witches. 7 year old me just about lost my mind at this movie, but you should be able to handle it. (Runner up: Hocus Pocus, because it's awesome.)
Moderate: The Craft. Good campy fun, with a great final magic battle. Teen me loved this.
Badass: Suspiria. Another beautiful and horrible Argento about witches in a ballet school. It's like a vivid nightmare.
Film Snob: Rosemary's Baby. Mia Farrow has the worst fucking neighbors.
Devils & Demons
Scaredy-Cat: Bless your heart, there is nothing for you here. Just watch Hocus Pocus again.
Moderate: The Omen. Gregory Peck's adopted son is the Antichrist. After watching this, you will immediately hate anyone named Damien.
Badass: The Exorcist. I know you've seen it, and I don't care. Watch her crabwalk down the stairs again and then try to tell me that this isn't scary.
Film Snob: The House of The Devil. Early Ti West. You can say you saw it before everyone else. Plus it's awesome.
**Edited because it broke my heart to leave out so many of my favorites**
Fucked Up Families
Scaredy-Cat: Matilda. More Roald Dahl, who fed my need for horror as a wee thing. Child abuse + Miss Trunchbull + supernatural powers. It's like Carrie before the prom. Speaking of...
Moderate: Carrie. Poor, poor Carrie. You'll want to hug your mom after this one. Bonus points for blowing up John Travolta.
Badass: Frailty. Thank heavens a friend reminded me of just how good this film is. Demons are real. Maybe.
Film Snob: Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Joan Crawford sits around while Bette Davis chews the scenery. "I've Written A Letter to Daddy" and it was about holding my handicapped sister hostage.
Home Invasion
Scaredy-Cats: When A Stranger Calls. Admittedly this is going to scare the shit out of you, but it's going to be OK! You already know the story (the calls are coming from inside the house!), and it stars young Carol Kane, so when you get too scared, just pretend you're watching Scrooged.
Moderate: You're Next. A great twist with a badass Final Girl. Worth the watch.
Badass: The Last House on the Left. Not the shitty remake, the original Wes Craven shocker. A brutal reminder of the violence we are ALL capable of.
Film Snob: Straw Dogs. Dustin Hoffman moves to England to get away from American violence, but it backfires royally. Trigger warning for a terrible rape scene. (Runners up: A Clockwork Orange, Funny Games)
Killer Kids
Scaredy-Cats: Children of the Corn. Outlander! OUTLANDER! A highly ridiculous Stephen King adaptation. This is great fun with minimal nightmare-inducing scenes. (Runner up: The Bad Seed)
Moderate: The Ring/Ringu. They're both great, and you'll never sleep again.
Badass: Orphan. I will say very little about it, other than that you should maybe not adopt a kid from Russia.
Film Snob: The Brood. Killer deformed children develop as a manifestation of a woman's rage. You're going to love this shit.
Body Horror
Scaredy-Cats: Teeth. If you're a straight dude, you might find this more horrifying. A girl with Vagina Dentata takes out rapists.
Moderate: The Fly. The Jeff Goldblum Fly, to be exact. Get your barfbag ready. (Runner up: Hellraiser)
Badass: The Thing. Claustrophobic, intelligent, and full of gooey, sticky gore. It's maybe an allegory for the AIDS epidemic or the Reagan administration or something, but I like when the blood jumps out of the petrie dish. (Runner up: Re-Animator)
Film Snob: Videodrome. Get grossed out AND feel superior to those who are too reliant on technology (you probably don't even own a TV).
Shakey Cam/Found Footage
Scaredy-Cat: Lake Mungo. When Alice drowns and paranormal activity starts in their home, her family goes searching for answers via cameras, psychics, and everything else. It's more about the hole that is left when a loved one dies than anything else.
Moderate: Grave Encounters. The total opposite of Lake Mungo. A fun send up of terrible ghost hunter TV shows, with some genuine scares.
Badass: VHS/VHS 2. Damn good short films held together by a thin robbery plot. Some are better than others, but overall it's a helluva ride. Standouts include The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger, Amateur Night, and Safe Haven.
Film Snob: The Poughkeepsie Tapes. Strap on your big boy pants.
Stuff I Left Out
Scaredy-Cats: Cabin in the Woods. You'll be scared, but you'll also love Joss Whedon's trademark snark, along with some great performances. It's horror, it's comedy, it's sci-fi, it's awesome.
Moderate: The Shining. So Stephen King hates it. So it's oversimplified and a they made Wendy into a sobbing pushover. Don't care, because it's so great. Unforgettable. (Runner up: The Babadook)
Badass: It Follows. A sexually transmitted supernatural force that only you can see? Count me in.
Film Snob: Hitchcock. Psycho is the most obvious Halloween choice, but I've always had a soft spot for Vertigo.
Anything I left out? Anything that you love or hate? Let me know, but know that I'm right and you're wrong.
Later this week we get a GUEST BLOG from my old friend Kate, who will tell us all about some more awesome underground horror!
Happy viewing!
Here are your fright levels:
Scaredy-Cat, for those of you who have nightmares from Law & Order
Moderate, for all those who have only seen The Exorcist at slumber parties.
Badass, for the bravest among us, with the strongest stomachs.
Film Snob, for jerks who think Freddy Kruger is gauche.
Haunted House
Scaredy-Cat: The House on Haunted Hill. Vincent Price + Skeletons hanging from fishing line. It's awesome and I could watch it at age 10, nightmare-free.
Moderate: The Haunting. This is an old classic, but don't let its age fool you. It is genuinely scary without gore or special effects.
Badass: The Conjuring. It's new(ish) and it's scary as fuck. Who knew clapping was so scary?
Film Snob: The Orphanage. It's foreign, which I know you love, you asshole. It's also scary and beautiful and touching.
Masked Madmen
Scaredy-Cat: Halloween. Ok, so this maybe belongs in the Moderate category, but it is so great. There's almost no gore, and you get to see boobies. Nut up, you can take it.
Moderate: Scream. Worth watching for the opening sequence alone. Bye bye, Drew.
Badass: The Strangers. You'll never answer the door at night again.
Film Snob: Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I don't know why, but this is the right choice.
I Vant To Suck Your Blood
Scaredy-Cat: Fright Night. 80's camp with Prince Humperdink as the vampire. It's funny and just a little scary. Perfect.
Moderate: The Lost Boys. Everyone loves this movie. EVERYONE.
Badass: Near Dark. Truly one of the only bloodsucker movies to ever unsettle me. It's a gory vampire western. Get into it.
Film Snob: A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night. It's absolutely beautiful, you pretentious fuck. (Runners up include Let The Right One In, Nosferatu, and The Hunger. There are a lot of stylish vampire flicks.)
Braaaaaains
Scaredy-Cat: Shaun of The Dead. There are plenty of scares and lotsa gore (it's zombies, for fuck's sake), but you'll be able to break it up by laughing. A lot. One of my favorites.
Moderate: Night of The Living Dead. Ignore the terrible line delivery. It doesn't matter. This is just as scary today as it was when it first came out.
Badass: 28 Days Later. Fast zombies are awful, but the other survivors might be worse.
Film Snob: Dead Alive, because you know you want to see Peter Jackson's first real film. Bring a vomit bucket, because the blood is flowing freely in this one.
Horror for LOLZ
Scaredy-Cat: Slither. I love this movie. Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but hilarious. Bonus points for Nathan Fillion hotness.
Moderate: Tucker & Dale vs. Evil. A great send up of Hillbilly Killer movies. Double bonus points for Alan Tudyk.
Badass: Evil Dead 2. One of my top 5 favorite movies ever. Perfect in every way. Follow it with Army of Darkness for the ultimate evening. On second thought, just watch the whole trilogy, because it's perfection.
Film Snob: American Psycho. More of a satire, if you're going to be a dick about it.
Torture Porn
Scaredy-Cat: Oh honey, no. Don't watch this. Really, no one should watch this.
Moderate: Saw. The original torture porn... it seems almost tame now.
Badass: Hostel. So gross. So satisfying.
Film Snob: The Devil's Rejects. To be honest, this movie made me ill. You'd like it.
Slashers
Scaredy-Cat: Sleepaway Camp. This won't scare you, but you'll never forget the ending.
Moderate: Friday the 13th. Once you see it you'll be able to live for an extra 15 seconds in Scream.
Badass: Black Christmas. My favorite. The stores already have Christmas trees up anyway, so why not watch Margot Kidder get stabbed while carolers sing?
Film Snob: Opera. It's Dario Argento, so it's sickening and beautiful.
Witches and Warlocks
Scaredy-Cat: The Witches. 7 year old me just about lost my mind at this movie, but you should be able to handle it. (Runner up: Hocus Pocus, because it's awesome.)
Moderate: The Craft. Good campy fun, with a great final magic battle. Teen me loved this.
Badass: Suspiria. Another beautiful and horrible Argento about witches in a ballet school. It's like a vivid nightmare.
Film Snob: Rosemary's Baby. Mia Farrow has the worst fucking neighbors.
Devils & Demons
Scaredy-Cat: Bless your heart, there is nothing for you here. Just watch Hocus Pocus again.
Moderate: The Omen. Gregory Peck's adopted son is the Antichrist. After watching this, you will immediately hate anyone named Damien.
Badass: The Exorcist. I know you've seen it, and I don't care. Watch her crabwalk down the stairs again and then try to tell me that this isn't scary.
Film Snob: The House of The Devil. Early Ti West. You can say you saw it before everyone else. Plus it's awesome.
**Edited because it broke my heart to leave out so many of my favorites**
Fucked Up Families
Scaredy-Cat: Matilda. More Roald Dahl, who fed my need for horror as a wee thing. Child abuse + Miss Trunchbull + supernatural powers. It's like Carrie before the prom. Speaking of...
Moderate: Carrie. Poor, poor Carrie. You'll want to hug your mom after this one. Bonus points for blowing up John Travolta.
Badass: Frailty. Thank heavens a friend reminded me of just how good this film is. Demons are real. Maybe.
Film Snob: Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Joan Crawford sits around while Bette Davis chews the scenery. "I've Written A Letter to Daddy" and it was about holding my handicapped sister hostage.
Home Invasion
Scaredy-Cats: When A Stranger Calls. Admittedly this is going to scare the shit out of you, but it's going to be OK! You already know the story (the calls are coming from inside the house!), and it stars young Carol Kane, so when you get too scared, just pretend you're watching Scrooged.
Moderate: You're Next. A great twist with a badass Final Girl. Worth the watch.
Badass: The Last House on the Left. Not the shitty remake, the original Wes Craven shocker. A brutal reminder of the violence we are ALL capable of.
Film Snob: Straw Dogs. Dustin Hoffman moves to England to get away from American violence, but it backfires royally. Trigger warning for a terrible rape scene. (Runners up: A Clockwork Orange, Funny Games)
Killer Kids
Scaredy-Cats: Children of the Corn. Outlander! OUTLANDER! A highly ridiculous Stephen King adaptation. This is great fun with minimal nightmare-inducing scenes. (Runner up: The Bad Seed)
Moderate: The Ring/Ringu. They're both great, and you'll never sleep again.
Badass: Orphan. I will say very little about it, other than that you should maybe not adopt a kid from Russia.
Film Snob: The Brood. Killer deformed children develop as a manifestation of a woman's rage. You're going to love this shit.
Body Horror
Scaredy-Cats: Teeth. If you're a straight dude, you might find this more horrifying. A girl with Vagina Dentata takes out rapists.
Moderate: The Fly. The Jeff Goldblum Fly, to be exact. Get your barfbag ready. (Runner up: Hellraiser)
Badass: The Thing. Claustrophobic, intelligent, and full of gooey, sticky gore. It's maybe an allegory for the AIDS epidemic or the Reagan administration or something, but I like when the blood jumps out of the petrie dish. (Runner up: Re-Animator)
Film Snob: Videodrome. Get grossed out AND feel superior to those who are too reliant on technology (you probably don't even own a TV).
Shakey Cam/Found Footage
Scaredy-Cat: Lake Mungo. When Alice drowns and paranormal activity starts in their home, her family goes searching for answers via cameras, psychics, and everything else. It's more about the hole that is left when a loved one dies than anything else.
Moderate: Grave Encounters. The total opposite of Lake Mungo. A fun send up of terrible ghost hunter TV shows, with some genuine scares.
Badass: VHS/VHS 2. Damn good short films held together by a thin robbery plot. Some are better than others, but overall it's a helluva ride. Standouts include The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger, Amateur Night, and Safe Haven.
Film Snob: The Poughkeepsie Tapes. Strap on your big boy pants.
Stuff I Left Out
Scaredy-Cats: Cabin in the Woods. You'll be scared, but you'll also love Joss Whedon's trademark snark, along with some great performances. It's horror, it's comedy, it's sci-fi, it's awesome.
Moderate: The Shining. So Stephen King hates it. So it's oversimplified and a they made Wendy into a sobbing pushover. Don't care, because it's so great. Unforgettable. (Runner up: The Babadook)
Badass: It Follows. A sexually transmitted supernatural force that only you can see? Count me in.
Film Snob: Hitchcock. Psycho is the most obvious Halloween choice, but I've always had a soft spot for Vertigo.
Anything I left out? Anything that you love or hate? Let me know, but know that I'm right and you're wrong.
Later this week we get a GUEST BLOG from my old friend Kate, who will tell us all about some more awesome underground horror!
Happy viewing!
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Thursday Rant 10/15/15
Happy Thursday to all my comrades in hate. Let's get this party started.
1) The Democratic debate was disappointingly civil and no one said anything that offensive and the lies were miniscule, but I want to talk really quickly about Jim Webb, because what the fuck, you guys? So this dude spends all night bitching about not being able to talk. I get it, I'd probably be pissy, too, especially if even Lincoln "perma-smile" Chafee got more time than me. If this was high school, Hilary would be prom queen, Bernie would be valedictorian, O'Malley would be lead in the school play, and Chafee would be that weird guy in your bio class who always somehow ended up being your lab partner and when you did the project where you had to have a theoretical baby together to talk about dominant genes he took it way too seriously and creeped you out. Webb would be the guy that had a psychotic break junior year and was never heard from again until you saw him 10 years later working at an Arby's. Why do I say that? Because when he finally got to speak, he made a joke about how he killed a guy who threw a grenade at him. Badass as that is... Dude, you're not at the Republican debate. That shit would have elicited a zillion cheers were you debating Donald Trump, but it's not going to go over well with the patchouli-stink Bernie Sanders crowd or the well-groomed, anti-war Clinton crowd. And I assume whatever crowds are supporting these other dudes wouldn't like it either. So it was nice knowing you, Jim Webb. I had zero idea who you were, and now I do. And I think you're frightening. Mission accomplished?
2) Quick history lesson: did you know that the Jews could have totally stopped the Holocaust if they had been heavily armed? That's a Ben Carson truth, and you know it's true because he's a brain surgeon, and brain surgeons are smart. Just kidding, this guy is a fucking idiot. Ben Carson, you have now officially surpassed Trump in terms of dumbassery. And since being as much like a drunk uncle at a barbecue as you can seems like a prerequisite for running for the Republican nomination, congratulations! Look, it's bad enough that you think that victims of a mass shooting just sat there while they got assassinated (and you'd NEVER do that), but the Holocaust... really? Really, dude?? It's like this shitstain thinks that all the Jews in Germany just happily skipped out of their homes, suitcase in hand, directly in to the gas chambers. If Ben Carson would have stayed awake in class or read half of a third of a quarter of a textbook, he would know that there were uprisings in at least 100 of the Jewish ghettos, and many uprisings in the camps as well. And it still took a combined effort from like, 20 countries to bring down Hitler's regime, so no, assault rifles for the Jews wouldn't have helped. Maybe if Hitler had been a better artist... Nope, still a brainwashing psychopath. Ben Carson isn't a psychopath, but he is a moron of the highest order. And so I say, probably not for the last time: fuck you, Ben Carson.
3) Hey, crazytown Republicans. Planned Parenthood is going to stop receiving reimbursement for its fetal tissue donation costs. I know you (it was a bipartisan bill back then) told them they could do this in fucking 1993, which is apparently a more progressive time than 2015, but they're going to stop. So are you going to shut the fuck up now? No? You're not? Jason Chaffetz says he has unedited video which is going to take months to go through? Cool. All of us (even you) know that the existing video has already been proven by MULTIPLE SOURCES to be deceptive, so let's just all stop pretending that you think PP is selling baby parts to cannibal feminists. You don't care much about women, especially low-income women, and you want to appeal to the religious right, even though you couldn't give less of a shit. It's cool, just be honest. You know it and I know it and anyone with a functioning central nervous system knows it. You don't think that poor people deserve healthcare. You've made that abundantly clear, and this kills two birds with one stone. You get to deny poor people healthcare AND you get to sit on a throne of judgment, which we all know is your absolute favorite thing in the world to do. And what do you get as a reward for screwing over the poor? The religious vote thinks you're pious because you're "pro-life," even though Jesus would probably spit in your face if he saw how you treated the fetus after it was expelled from its mother's womb. This isn't about abortion... not for these guys (and I say guys because they are overwhelmingly men). If their daughters were oopsie-daisy pregnant, you can bet your ass that they'd be the first one in the car on the way to the hospital. Not Planned Parenthood, of course, because that's where the poors go. A PP shutting down doesn't matter to them or anyone they know, and it never would, but it does get them votes from brainwashed voters who can't see past this singular issue. Meanwhile, a scared teenage girl in South Dakota is crying because there is nowhere for her to go, a mother is walking around with undetected cervical cancer, and a woman is going into debt because she needed a pap smear. Not that Chaffetz or any of these other garbage people give a shit. So if you give a shit, please give to Planned Parenthood, and please vote in your state and local elections. And if anyone sees Representative Chaffetz, please make sure to give him a swift kick to the taint for me.
4) I'm going to need to talk about breast cancer now. It's that special time of year when everything turns pink, and we all try to feel good about ourselves by buying stuff. It's very popular. So popular that the NFL even gets in on the pinksploitation, even though we know that they couldn't give less of a shit about the well-being of women. Pink hats, pink mugs, pink dildos... all for breast cancer, not that most of the proceeds go towards research. Look, we're all aware of this disease, and it isn't because someone wore a pink hoodie. We're aware because this disease takes the lives of people we love. A reminder to "save the ta-tas" isn't going to do anything but piss me off, because we shouldn't save BREASTS, we should save women (and men). Taking off your bra all day to "raise awareness" of breast cancer is doing absolutely nothing but giving you attention for fake caring. Stop it. Stop this shit right now, and if you care at all about this, do something that will actually fucking help people. Not to ask you to give money in two separate paragraphs, but go give some damn money. Don't buy a pink thermos, give money. And while you're at it, give money to a reputable charity, not Susan G. Komen, who started all this pink merchandising nonsense, and who ultimately gives much, much less to cancer research than most of its less famous "competitors." Breast Cancer Research Foundation, The Rose, National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc... there are a ton. Just a quick Google search will get you there. And if you can't donate, go knit a hat or a blanket, go hug a survivor or help someone mourn, or at the very least, start calling people on their fake bullshit, because our loved ones deserve better than pinkification and crocodile tears.
Until next week, let us stand united in annoyance.
1) The Democratic debate was disappointingly civil and no one said anything that offensive and the lies were miniscule, but I want to talk really quickly about Jim Webb, because what the fuck, you guys? So this dude spends all night bitching about not being able to talk. I get it, I'd probably be pissy, too, especially if even Lincoln "perma-smile" Chafee got more time than me. If this was high school, Hilary would be prom queen, Bernie would be valedictorian, O'Malley would be lead in the school play, and Chafee would be that weird guy in your bio class who always somehow ended up being your lab partner and when you did the project where you had to have a theoretical baby together to talk about dominant genes he took it way too seriously and creeped you out. Webb would be the guy that had a psychotic break junior year and was never heard from again until you saw him 10 years later working at an Arby's. Why do I say that? Because when he finally got to speak, he made a joke about how he killed a guy who threw a grenade at him. Badass as that is... Dude, you're not at the Republican debate. That shit would have elicited a zillion cheers were you debating Donald Trump, but it's not going to go over well with the patchouli-stink Bernie Sanders crowd or the well-groomed, anti-war Clinton crowd. And I assume whatever crowds are supporting these other dudes wouldn't like it either. So it was nice knowing you, Jim Webb. I had zero idea who you were, and now I do. And I think you're frightening. Mission accomplished?
2) Quick history lesson: did you know that the Jews could have totally stopped the Holocaust if they had been heavily armed? That's a Ben Carson truth, and you know it's true because he's a brain surgeon, and brain surgeons are smart. Just kidding, this guy is a fucking idiot. Ben Carson, you have now officially surpassed Trump in terms of dumbassery. And since being as much like a drunk uncle at a barbecue as you can seems like a prerequisite for running for the Republican nomination, congratulations! Look, it's bad enough that you think that victims of a mass shooting just sat there while they got assassinated (and you'd NEVER do that), but the Holocaust... really? Really, dude?? It's like this shitstain thinks that all the Jews in Germany just happily skipped out of their homes, suitcase in hand, directly in to the gas chambers. If Ben Carson would have stayed awake in class or read half of a third of a quarter of a textbook, he would know that there were uprisings in at least 100 of the Jewish ghettos, and many uprisings in the camps as well. And it still took a combined effort from like, 20 countries to bring down Hitler's regime, so no, assault rifles for the Jews wouldn't have helped. Maybe if Hitler had been a better artist... Nope, still a brainwashing psychopath. Ben Carson isn't a psychopath, but he is a moron of the highest order. And so I say, probably not for the last time: fuck you, Ben Carson.
3) Hey, crazytown Republicans. Planned Parenthood is going to stop receiving reimbursement for its fetal tissue donation costs. I know you (it was a bipartisan bill back then) told them they could do this in fucking 1993, which is apparently a more progressive time than 2015, but they're going to stop. So are you going to shut the fuck up now? No? You're not? Jason Chaffetz says he has unedited video which is going to take months to go through? Cool. All of us (even you) know that the existing video has already been proven by MULTIPLE SOURCES to be deceptive, so let's just all stop pretending that you think PP is selling baby parts to cannibal feminists. You don't care much about women, especially low-income women, and you want to appeal to the religious right, even though you couldn't give less of a shit. It's cool, just be honest. You know it and I know it and anyone with a functioning central nervous system knows it. You don't think that poor people deserve healthcare. You've made that abundantly clear, and this kills two birds with one stone. You get to deny poor people healthcare AND you get to sit on a throne of judgment, which we all know is your absolute favorite thing in the world to do. And what do you get as a reward for screwing over the poor? The religious vote thinks you're pious because you're "pro-life," even though Jesus would probably spit in your face if he saw how you treated the fetus after it was expelled from its mother's womb. This isn't about abortion... not for these guys (and I say guys because they are overwhelmingly men). If their daughters were oopsie-daisy pregnant, you can bet your ass that they'd be the first one in the car on the way to the hospital. Not Planned Parenthood, of course, because that's where the poors go. A PP shutting down doesn't matter to them or anyone they know, and it never would, but it does get them votes from brainwashed voters who can't see past this singular issue. Meanwhile, a scared teenage girl in South Dakota is crying because there is nowhere for her to go, a mother is walking around with undetected cervical cancer, and a woman is going into debt because she needed a pap smear. Not that Chaffetz or any of these other garbage people give a shit. So if you give a shit, please give to Planned Parenthood, and please vote in your state and local elections. And if anyone sees Representative Chaffetz, please make sure to give him a swift kick to the taint for me.
4) I'm going to need to talk about breast cancer now. It's that special time of year when everything turns pink, and we all try to feel good about ourselves by buying stuff. It's very popular. So popular that the NFL even gets in on the pinksploitation, even though we know that they couldn't give less of a shit about the well-being of women. Pink hats, pink mugs, pink dildos... all for breast cancer, not that most of the proceeds go towards research. Look, we're all aware of this disease, and it isn't because someone wore a pink hoodie. We're aware because this disease takes the lives of people we love. A reminder to "save the ta-tas" isn't going to do anything but piss me off, because we shouldn't save BREASTS, we should save women (and men). Taking off your bra all day to "raise awareness" of breast cancer is doing absolutely nothing but giving you attention for fake caring. Stop it. Stop this shit right now, and if you care at all about this, do something that will actually fucking help people. Not to ask you to give money in two separate paragraphs, but go give some damn money. Don't buy a pink thermos, give money. And while you're at it, give money to a reputable charity, not Susan G. Komen, who started all this pink merchandising nonsense, and who ultimately gives much, much less to cancer research than most of its less famous "competitors." Breast Cancer Research Foundation, The Rose, National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc... there are a ton. Just a quick Google search will get you there. And if you can't donate, go knit a hat or a blanket, go hug a survivor or help someone mourn, or at the very least, start calling people on their fake bullshit, because our loved ones deserve better than pinkification and crocodile tears.
Until next week, let us stand united in annoyance.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Special Monday Rant - 10/12/15
A special Monday rant?!?! What is happening? I know, but today always makes me cranky. Christopher Columbus was a dick, and this holiday is bullshit. In case you don't know why, I'm here to spread the hate.
Columbus. Dude, you can't "discover" a place where people have been living for 12,000 years! First of all, this bitch didn't set foot on American soil. Columbus crashed in to the Bahamas somewhere. But even so, millions of native people had already built great civilizations, so he didn't discover SHIT. Just because Columbus didn't know that there was a continent between him and India doesn't make him a discoverer, it makes him bad at research, because the Vikings had already been fishing all over Canada for 300 years.
Also, no one thought the world was flat. People didn't think that in 1492. In fact, anyone with two brain cells to rub together hasn't thought that since the 3rd century. Columbus wasn't sailing around the world on a scientific mission, he was going to India to find treasure, and he was going to split the money with the Queen of Spain. Instead of gold and spices he found something even more profitable: people. Which brings me to the biggest reason Columbus Day is bullshit...
This asshole opened the Atlantic slave trade. It's like this: say you're driving, and you just pulled in to the wrong town. You're totally lost. But the nice folks there offered you directions, a cup of coffee and a nice slice of pie. You notice they aren't immediately pointing weapons at you. What do you do? If you're Christopher Columbus and his band of Merry Assholes, you hunt the town for sport, beating, torturing, raping, and killing the population, and then feed their bodies to your hunting dogs. And if you left anyone alive, you put them on a ship and sent them to Seville, where they are paraded naked through the streets and sold as slaves. Except it's not a town, it's a population of 300,000 native people and Columbus murdered or enslaved about a third of them within four years, before he was taken back to Spain in freaking shackles for being a total piece of human garbage.
And, to paraphrase Louis CK, Columbus was confused enough to call them Indians, and we STILL CALL THEM THAT. What in the actual fuck, America!?!?! And now we give this dickhead a holiday? Let's all agree that this is dumb, and that while it wasn't OK to beat up Italian immigrants in the early 20th century, a holiday based on historic lies wasn't really the best way to to stop that from happening. If you don't want to celebrate Indigenous Peoples Day (which you should, asshole), here are some other great Italians who have much lower body counts: Galileo Galilei, Leonardo da Vinci, Al Capone.
Columbus. Dude, you can't "discover" a place where people have been living for 12,000 years! First of all, this bitch didn't set foot on American soil. Columbus crashed in to the Bahamas somewhere. But even so, millions of native people had already built great civilizations, so he didn't discover SHIT. Just because Columbus didn't know that there was a continent between him and India doesn't make him a discoverer, it makes him bad at research, because the Vikings had already been fishing all over Canada for 300 years.
Also, no one thought the world was flat. People didn't think that in 1492. In fact, anyone with two brain cells to rub together hasn't thought that since the 3rd century. Columbus wasn't sailing around the world on a scientific mission, he was going to India to find treasure, and he was going to split the money with the Queen of Spain. Instead of gold and spices he found something even more profitable: people. Which brings me to the biggest reason Columbus Day is bullshit...
This asshole opened the Atlantic slave trade. It's like this: say you're driving, and you just pulled in to the wrong town. You're totally lost. But the nice folks there offered you directions, a cup of coffee and a nice slice of pie. You notice they aren't immediately pointing weapons at you. What do you do? If you're Christopher Columbus and his band of Merry Assholes, you hunt the town for sport, beating, torturing, raping, and killing the population, and then feed their bodies to your hunting dogs. And if you left anyone alive, you put them on a ship and sent them to Seville, where they are paraded naked through the streets and sold as slaves. Except it's not a town, it's a population of 300,000 native people and Columbus murdered or enslaved about a third of them within four years, before he was taken back to Spain in freaking shackles for being a total piece of human garbage.
And, to paraphrase Louis CK, Columbus was confused enough to call them Indians, and we STILL CALL THEM THAT. What in the actual fuck, America!?!?! And now we give this dickhead a holiday? Let's all agree that this is dumb, and that while it wasn't OK to beat up Italian immigrants in the early 20th century, a holiday based on historic lies wasn't really the best way to to stop that from happening. If you don't want to celebrate Indigenous Peoples Day (which you should, asshole), here are some other great Italians who have much lower body counts: Galileo Galilei, Leonardo da Vinci, Al Capone.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Thursday Rant 10/8/15
Happy Thursday, my friends in crankiness.
1) Texas, you give us a lot of nice things. Chili, barbecue, puffy tacos... Ok, you give us a lot of nice food. But I love food, so I have soft spot in my heart for you, Texas. So when I say that I need you to stop making it so easy for everyone to hate you, you need to know that it comes from a place of love (for your food). Maybe you don't know this, because your education system has been fucked for years, but slaves actually weren't working immigrants! They were people brought to this country by force to toil without compensation or basic human rights. I would maybe mind less (probably not) if you hadn't had this sort of issue before, but you totally have. I know your revisionist history reads like erotic fiction written by Mike Huckabee, but let me go ahead and clear some shit up for you. How does that sound? Ok, so McCarthyism was a bad thing, global warming is real, you are capable of having sex without getting pregnant and dying, and segregation and Jim Crow laws totally existed. Also, the world is a gazillion years old and we didn't walk directly out of God's palm 4,000 years ago on to a fully formed earth where we are the boss of everyone. While we're at it, "under God" was added to the pledge of allegiance in 1954. If he could hear that right now, Thomas Jefferson would probably exorcist-puke all over your face. Oh! Let's not forget about the Civil War. The Civil War was about slavery, you guys. Yes, also state's rights and secession and blah blah blah, but the South wanted to secede because they thought it was awesome to own another human being. "Paying human beings a wage in exchange for goods and services is for suckers!" - The South. Come the fuck on, Texas. Right now you are making me want to saw you off and set you afloat, never to return. I don't want to do that, because I really, really, really like puffy tacos.
2) La la la, dee dee dee, twiddle dee doo dee! Another school shooting by a radical white male loner, can you fucking believe it? Can you believe that gun nuts everywhere are behaving inappropriately? Can you believe politicians are saying asinine, offensive, despicable things about it? Can you even wrap your head around this shit? *sigh* Yeah, me too. 'Murica, I know you love guns like a moth loves the flame, but this is getting fucking ridiculous. I think we all know that Jeb "The Smart One" Bush stupidly said "stuff happens" in reaction to the tragedy, but I'm actually going to point out what Ben Carson said about it. Direct quote from an actual person who is running for president: “I never saw a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking the right to arm ourselves away.” And isn't that really all that we need to know about people who believe this way? Totally unsurprising, since 20 children were murdered in 2012 and our response was to arm kindergarten teachers, but isn't it kind of great to hear the truth come out? Guns > People. Got it. Nice transparency, Carson! So you value owning a firearm over protecting human life... Well, I suppose that you've gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet. And by a few eggs, I mean the 289 people who will be injured or killed by guns today. Say it proudly, gun nuts, and make sure to say it loudly so that I know to stay as far away from you as humanly possible. Also, eat shit. .
3) Hey, did you guys know that Kim Davis is still around? After she pretended she and Cool Pope® were dating and he was all "nah, she's just some girl I know," I thought she would just turn into dust and blow away, but she didn't. And thank the old gods and the new that she's still here, because I just read the best headline ever: "Kim Davis Offered $500K To Star In Lesbian Interracial Porn." And who offered her the cash, you ask? A company called The Dogfart Network. THIS IS REAL, YOU GUYS. I never thought that I'd be siding with any company named after canine flatulence, but I am totally Team Dogfart. They call her behavior "reprehensible" and want to offer her this opportunity for shot at redemption. Dogfart forever! I love them! I assume the plot is something like... a glamorous Gabrielle Union lookalike asks for a marriage certificate, which Kim denies. Then fake Gabrielle throws Kim down on to the clerk's desk, and shows her the life-changing power of the love that dare not speak its name. I assume there will be a gavel used as a dildo or something? Just a guess. Kim hasn't responded, so I can only assume that she is still seriously considering it.
4) Hey, Bill Cosby! You get to go to court and testify tomorrow for sexual abuse AND child sexual abuse. You wanted to get out of doing it, but even your zillion-billion-trillion-dollar, victim-blaming lawyers couldn't stop it from happening. You were stupid enough to keep abusing women until at least 2008, so the joke's on you, asshole. And that 15 year old you molested 40 years ago? She can still sue your sociopath ass. While it took about 40 years too long for you to be brought to justice (at least financially), get ready, Jello Pudding Man. The deposition may be sealed, but it won't be sealed forever. May your wealth be stripped away, may any of the remaining goodwill towards you be torn from you. I wish you could spend the remainder of your days rotting in jail, but I find comfort in knowing that you will die cold, broke, alone, and universally hated. Fuck you and fuck the people who aided you. Fuck the people who turned a blind eye to your crimes. Fuck your wife and her silence. Fuck the people who defended you because they liked a TV show from the 80's. But mostly, fuck you, you rapist bastard. Get your checkbook out. You're gonna need it.
Ahhhhh, I feel so much better! Until next week...
1) Texas, you give us a lot of nice things. Chili, barbecue, puffy tacos... Ok, you give us a lot of nice food. But I love food, so I have soft spot in my heart for you, Texas. So when I say that I need you to stop making it so easy for everyone to hate you, you need to know that it comes from a place of love (for your food). Maybe you don't know this, because your education system has been fucked for years, but slaves actually weren't working immigrants! They were people brought to this country by force to toil without compensation or basic human rights. I would maybe mind less (probably not) if you hadn't had this sort of issue before, but you totally have. I know your revisionist history reads like erotic fiction written by Mike Huckabee, but let me go ahead and clear some shit up for you. How does that sound? Ok, so McCarthyism was a bad thing, global warming is real, you are capable of having sex without getting pregnant and dying, and segregation and Jim Crow laws totally existed. Also, the world is a gazillion years old and we didn't walk directly out of God's palm 4,000 years ago on to a fully formed earth where we are the boss of everyone. While we're at it, "under God" was added to the pledge of allegiance in 1954. If he could hear that right now, Thomas Jefferson would probably exorcist-puke all over your face. Oh! Let's not forget about the Civil War. The Civil War was about slavery, you guys. Yes, also state's rights and secession and blah blah blah, but the South wanted to secede because they thought it was awesome to own another human being. "Paying human beings a wage in exchange for goods and services is for suckers!" - The South. Come the fuck on, Texas. Right now you are making me want to saw you off and set you afloat, never to return. I don't want to do that, because I really, really, really like puffy tacos.
2) La la la, dee dee dee, twiddle dee doo dee! Another school shooting by a radical white male loner, can you fucking believe it? Can you believe that gun nuts everywhere are behaving inappropriately? Can you believe politicians are saying asinine, offensive, despicable things about it? Can you even wrap your head around this shit? *sigh* Yeah, me too. 'Murica, I know you love guns like a moth loves the flame, but this is getting fucking ridiculous. I think we all know that Jeb "The Smart One" Bush stupidly said "stuff happens" in reaction to the tragedy, but I'm actually going to point out what Ben Carson said about it. Direct quote from an actual person who is running for president: “I never saw a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking the right to arm ourselves away.” And isn't that really all that we need to know about people who believe this way? Totally unsurprising, since 20 children were murdered in 2012 and our response was to arm kindergarten teachers, but isn't it kind of great to hear the truth come out? Guns > People. Got it. Nice transparency, Carson! So you value owning a firearm over protecting human life... Well, I suppose that you've gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet. And by a few eggs, I mean the 289 people who will be injured or killed by guns today. Say it proudly, gun nuts, and make sure to say it loudly so that I know to stay as far away from you as humanly possible. Also, eat shit. .
3) Hey, did you guys know that Kim Davis is still around? After she pretended she and Cool Pope® were dating and he was all "nah, she's just some girl I know," I thought she would just turn into dust and blow away, but she didn't. And thank the old gods and the new that she's still here, because I just read the best headline ever: "Kim Davis Offered $500K To Star In Lesbian Interracial Porn." And who offered her the cash, you ask? A company called The Dogfart Network. THIS IS REAL, YOU GUYS. I never thought that I'd be siding with any company named after canine flatulence, but I am totally Team Dogfart. They call her behavior "reprehensible" and want to offer her this opportunity for shot at redemption. Dogfart forever! I love them! I assume the plot is something like... a glamorous Gabrielle Union lookalike asks for a marriage certificate, which Kim denies. Then fake Gabrielle throws Kim down on to the clerk's desk, and shows her the life-changing power of the love that dare not speak its name. I assume there will be a gavel used as a dildo or something? Just a guess. Kim hasn't responded, so I can only assume that she is still seriously considering it.
4) Hey, Bill Cosby! You get to go to court and testify tomorrow for sexual abuse AND child sexual abuse. You wanted to get out of doing it, but even your zillion-billion-trillion-dollar, victim-blaming lawyers couldn't stop it from happening. You were stupid enough to keep abusing women until at least 2008, so the joke's on you, asshole. And that 15 year old you molested 40 years ago? She can still sue your sociopath ass. While it took about 40 years too long for you to be brought to justice (at least financially), get ready, Jello Pudding Man. The deposition may be sealed, but it won't be sealed forever. May your wealth be stripped away, may any of the remaining goodwill towards you be torn from you. I wish you could spend the remainder of your days rotting in jail, but I find comfort in knowing that you will die cold, broke, alone, and universally hated. Fuck you and fuck the people who aided you. Fuck the people who turned a blind eye to your crimes. Fuck your wife and her silence. Fuck the people who defended you because they liked a TV show from the 80's. But mostly, fuck you, you rapist bastard. Get your checkbook out. You're gonna need it.
Ahhhhh, I feel so much better! Until next week...
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Thursday Rant 10/1/15
Happy October, haters. Today's rant is going to be about one thing, and one thing only. Sorry, but I just had so much to say. It's about the Planned Parenthood hearings. I just can't NOT scream about it.
Did you guys watch this shit?! Cecile Richards is a hero for a million different reasons, but the biggest this week is that she didn't spit in anyone's face during her testimony. Holy shit. If someone talked to me like that, my eyes would have turned black and I would have levitated, spraying menstrual blood all over their faces while I screamed the scream of a thousand disenfranchised women. But thankfully Cecile Richards is a better person than I am.
At this point, I'm going to assume that you guys all know that this "investigation" is a farce, based on thoroughly debunked videos. If you don't, please stop being an ignoramus and read the news for 30 seconds. It's silly to go on ranting about the millions of billions of lies and fake reports and fucking graphs without a Y-axis, because we all know that this is bibbity-bobbity-bullshit, ok? But I'm going to need to talk about these fucking Congressmen who are running this "investigation." I say CongressMEN, because the people berating a healthcare organization for low income women on Monday were pretty much exclusively Republican men. Can you believe it?!?! The most mature GOP lawmaker was the dude from Tennessee who gave his time to someone else, probably because he infamously pressured his wife and his mistress to have abortions.
And somehow they are all the worst type of men: Interrupting Mansplainers. If you're a lady (particularly an outspoken one), you're immediately going to know what I'm talking about, but if you're a man, you might not have experienced this before. (Unnecessary disclaimer, lest someone accuse me of misandry: I love men. I know and love many men, sluttily and non-sluttily. Shut up.)
So what's an Interrupting Mansplainer, you ask? I'm happy to tell you. In his most unassuming form, he's the guy who asks you what your favorite book is, and when you start to answer he interrupts you to tell you about the genius of Catcher in the Rye. (Side note: I love Holden Caulfield as much as the next person, but if your date idolizes him, RUN. Run as fast as you can.) In his more annoying form, he appears as the guy who loudly interrupts you about a subject you are already an expert on so he can explain it to you (see: Matt Damon interrupting Effie Brown to "school" her about diversity). In his worst form, he's a member of Congress who asks you a belligerent question, and when you try to answer it he immediately starts answering his own question, talking over you and giving false information. In short, it's the kind of man who 20 years ago would have called you "little lady."
There are two types found in the wild: the fake-intellectual and the entitled-asshole. Some are both. Beware. BEWARE.
So now that you can see that shit for what it is, I'd love for you to attempt to watch the PP hearings. Just give it a try. If you're at all sensitive to it, you'll be crying with rage withing 5 minutes. I'll wait.
Here's a tissue. I know. It's infuriating. The esteemed representative from Arizona, Paul Gosar (Republican, can you believe it!?) literally yelled at her for answering a question that he asked her, saying "this is my time! This is my time, so don't interrupt it." And really... that's all you need to know about how this shit went on Monday. This isn't about the moral issue of abortion or misuse of funds or anything close to that. This is about these assholes trying to slap Cecile Richards with their dicks because the thought of a woman having control over her own choices threatens what little is left of their tiny sliver of manhood. How sad. How utterly pathetic.
And because these jackoffs can't bear to feel powerless, because they want to pander to their pro-life constituents, because they choose to believe a libelous video made by a radical group instead of facts, they are willing to cut off healthcare to an estimated 650,000 low income women. That's what they think of you, ladies.
I encourage you to volunteer, or donate, or sign a petition, or help in any way you can.
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/
Did you guys watch this shit?! Cecile Richards is a hero for a million different reasons, but the biggest this week is that she didn't spit in anyone's face during her testimony. Holy shit. If someone talked to me like that, my eyes would have turned black and I would have levitated, spraying menstrual blood all over their faces while I screamed the scream of a thousand disenfranchised women. But thankfully Cecile Richards is a better person than I am.
At this point, I'm going to assume that you guys all know that this "investigation" is a farce, based on thoroughly debunked videos. If you don't, please stop being an ignoramus and read the news for 30 seconds. It's silly to go on ranting about the millions of billions of lies and fake reports and fucking graphs without a Y-axis, because we all know that this is bibbity-bobbity-bullshit, ok? But I'm going to need to talk about these fucking Congressmen who are running this "investigation." I say CongressMEN, because the people berating a healthcare organization for low income women on Monday were pretty much exclusively Republican men. Can you believe it?!?! The most mature GOP lawmaker was the dude from Tennessee who gave his time to someone else, probably because he infamously pressured his wife and his mistress to have abortions.
And somehow they are all the worst type of men: Interrupting Mansplainers. If you're a lady (particularly an outspoken one), you're immediately going to know what I'm talking about, but if you're a man, you might not have experienced this before. (Unnecessary disclaimer, lest someone accuse me of misandry: I love men. I know and love many men, sluttily and non-sluttily. Shut up.)
So what's an Interrupting Mansplainer, you ask? I'm happy to tell you. In his most unassuming form, he's the guy who asks you what your favorite book is, and when you start to answer he interrupts you to tell you about the genius of Catcher in the Rye. (Side note: I love Holden Caulfield as much as the next person, but if your date idolizes him, RUN. Run as fast as you can.) In his more annoying form, he appears as the guy who loudly interrupts you about a subject you are already an expert on so he can explain it to you (see: Matt Damon interrupting Effie Brown to "school" her about diversity). In his worst form, he's a member of Congress who asks you a belligerent question, and when you try to answer it he immediately starts answering his own question, talking over you and giving false information. In short, it's the kind of man who 20 years ago would have called you "little lady."
There are two types found in the wild: the fake-intellectual and the entitled-asshole. Some are both. Beware. BEWARE.
So now that you can see that shit for what it is, I'd love for you to attempt to watch the PP hearings. Just give it a try. If you're at all sensitive to it, you'll be crying with rage withing 5 minutes. I'll wait.
Here's a tissue. I know. It's infuriating. The esteemed representative from Arizona, Paul Gosar (Republican, can you believe it!?) literally yelled at her for answering a question that he asked her, saying "this is my time! This is my time, so don't interrupt it." And really... that's all you need to know about how this shit went on Monday. This isn't about the moral issue of abortion or misuse of funds or anything close to that. This is about these assholes trying to slap Cecile Richards with their dicks because the thought of a woman having control over her own choices threatens what little is left of their tiny sliver of manhood. How sad. How utterly pathetic.
And because these jackoffs can't bear to feel powerless, because they want to pander to their pro-life constituents, because they choose to believe a libelous video made by a radical group instead of facts, they are willing to cut off healthcare to an estimated 650,000 low income women. That's what they think of you, ladies.
I encourage you to volunteer, or donate, or sign a petition, or help in any way you can.
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Thursday Rant 9/24/15
It has been a helluva hate-filled week, you guys.
1) Clearly I'm going to start with the House voting to defund Planned Parenthood. I would apologize for writing about this every single week, but it isn't my fault that the world is full of idiots. I can barely even rant, I'm so exhausted by their stupidity. I'm ready to weep with frustration. Once again, Planned Parenthood doesn't murder babies and sell their brains to the Taliban or whatever the fuck you are accusing them of. It has been proven that those videos are deceptive. OMG THEY ARE SO FAKE, YOU GUYS. For fuck's sake, Fox News even said they were deceptive. FOX NEWS. And the use of fetal tissue for research was originally backed by a whole bunch of these Republican fools, so why are they mad that PP is doing something that THEY voted PP be able to do?!?! And you guys, you can't use federal funding for abortion. I repeat: you can't use federal funding for abortion. It's illegal, and PP is not doing that. Republican voters, (whoever you are... I know like, 3 of you), how can you not see what they are doing? Can you not see that they are using a controversial issue like abortion (or immigration, or marriage equality) to get you to ignore the fact that after they are elected they will vote against your best interest? How do you not see this? How? 650,000 (estimated) women will lose complete access to reproductive healthcare, and these clowns are more than willing to see that as collateral damage so they can get what they want. That's 650,000 women who will go without family planning services, breast exams, pelvic exams, STD testing, cancer screenings, AIDS testing, adoption referrals, general family practice, and (yes) abortions. And look, I know they will not defund PP. It will never pass the Senate and President Obama will not stand for it. But women (and men, and EVERYONE), take a look at how many of you they are willing to fuck over to get elected. Take a long look at that, and get angry. I sure am.
1) Clearly I'm going to start with the House voting to defund Planned Parenthood. I would apologize for writing about this every single week, but it isn't my fault that the world is full of idiots. I can barely even rant, I'm so exhausted by their stupidity. I'm ready to weep with frustration. Once again, Planned Parenthood doesn't murder babies and sell their brains to the Taliban or whatever the fuck you are accusing them of. It has been proven that those videos are deceptive. OMG THEY ARE SO FAKE, YOU GUYS. For fuck's sake, Fox News even said they were deceptive. FOX NEWS. And the use of fetal tissue for research was originally backed by a whole bunch of these Republican fools, so why are they mad that PP is doing something that THEY voted PP be able to do?!?! And you guys, you can't use federal funding for abortion. I repeat: you can't use federal funding for abortion. It's illegal, and PP is not doing that. Republican voters, (whoever you are... I know like, 3 of you), how can you not see what they are doing? Can you not see that they are using a controversial issue like abortion (or immigration, or marriage equality) to get you to ignore the fact that after they are elected they will vote against your best interest? How do you not see this? How? 650,000 (estimated) women will lose complete access to reproductive healthcare, and these clowns are more than willing to see that as collateral damage so they can get what they want. That's 650,000 women who will go without family planning services, breast exams, pelvic exams, STD testing, cancer screenings, AIDS testing, adoption referrals, general family practice, and (yes) abortions. And look, I know they will not defund PP. It will never pass the Senate and President Obama will not stand for it. But women (and men, and EVERYONE), take a look at how many of you they are willing to fuck over to get elected. Take a long look at that, and get angry. I sure am.
2) *Sigh* Martin Shkreli. This scumbag makes me violent. Price gouging AIDS and cancer patients who already pay thousands monthly for their medication? 5,000 damned percent?!? Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. Withthisshit? (I know he lowered the price after his public shaming, but Daraprim will still go up in price substantially, so continue to point your middle fingers at this assclown.) This manchild seriously tweeted Eminem lyrics in his own defense. EMINEM LYRICS. Is it 2006? You are an (alleged) adult who is running a corporation and you are using Marshall Mathers' lyrics as a defense? Jesus. I (and the rest of America) want to punch him right in his arrogant little rat face. But perhaps singling out this toolbox for his greed isn't entirely fair. Not that Shkreli doesn't deserve a swift kick to the taint, but it isn't as if this kind of shit isn't totally commonplace. Because pharmaceutical companies pay each other to not make affordable generics so they can keep rolling in sweet, sweet cancer patient dough. THAT IS A THING THAT IS TOTALLY LEGAL BECAUSE CAPITALISM. I looked it up, and keeping drugs expensive apparently costs us about $3 billion dollars a year. I'm so glad they're spending money on keeping money for themselves instead of spending money on more research or financial aid or LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE. America: where we value a vague set of capitalist principals over the welfare of our own people. Privatize everything! America is number one! But also fuck this guy and his polo shirts and $300 haircut that still looks like he got it done at Great Clips.
3) OK, so I just found something out this week. Apparently being politically correct is a bad thing! I know, it doesn't make sense to me either. Let me break it down for you. So like... being respectful of other people is not what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to just fire off all of your racist/bigoted/misogynistic thoughts like you're Drunk Uncle Randy at Thanksgiving, and we are supposed to like it, because offending people is awesome now. I found that out from a sentient piece of cornsilk named Donald Trump and an actual doctor who has done brain surgery named Ben Carson. They really set me straight. So I thought that saying that a Muslim should never be elected President made you a dick, but I was wrong. I thought agreeing with the statement "we have a problem with this country: it's called Muslims" made you a total asshole, but apparently it doesn't. Apparently embracing bigotry against an entire culture of people you know nothing about doesn't make you a dick at all. It makes you a folk hero because political correctness is a bad thing. Being a complete pile of feces is a good thing. Act accordingly.
4) Apparently Scott Walked dropped out of the race this week. When reached for comment, Americans everywhere said Who?" "Was he running?" and "Is that the dude who hates unions? Yeah, fuck that guy."
5) Hey, Pope Francis. I like you, dude. For a Pope, you seem like a pretty decent guy, spreading the good news and helping the poor and accepting the nonbelievers and the gays and the divorced. You even believe in Climate Change! You've still got a major woman problem, but I'm willing to overlook that for the moment. But could you do me a favor? Could you not come to New York City tomorrow? I know that a ton of people want to see you, but most of us don't, and you're totally ruining all of our lives right now. We are shutting down like, 100 blocks of road for you. Bro, that is so much. So much! It's on a FRIDAY. A Friday at 5:00 PM. For a Cool Pope®, that is a supremely uncool move. Do you know how many people are going to be leaving work then? All they want to do is take off their pants and drink beer and eat Cheetos while they watch The Big Bang Theory and pretend it's funny, and you are going to make that so difficult, man. Francie (can I call you Francie?), here's my suggestion: Just go to Coney Island. Coney Island needs religion, and you're here to provide. You don't need to mess with the city and the street closures and the masses of people. The believers will come to you! And the rest of us will go about our lives completely unaffected by your presence. Doesn't that sound perfect? I know they already painted a 50-story mural of you in midtown, but I will take a picture of it and text it to you. It isn't that great, and you don't want to be schlepping all the way up here when you could be eating hot dogs and blessing those in need. Deal? Ok cool. Catch you on the flippy flop.
Until next time, kids...
3) OK, so I just found something out this week. Apparently being politically correct is a bad thing! I know, it doesn't make sense to me either. Let me break it down for you. So like... being respectful of other people is not what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to just fire off all of your racist/bigoted/misogynistic thoughts like you're Drunk Uncle Randy at Thanksgiving, and we are supposed to like it, because offending people is awesome now. I found that out from a sentient piece of cornsilk named Donald Trump and an actual doctor who has done brain surgery named Ben Carson. They really set me straight. So I thought that saying that a Muslim should never be elected President made you a dick, but I was wrong. I thought agreeing with the statement "we have a problem with this country: it's called Muslims" made you a total asshole, but apparently it doesn't. Apparently embracing bigotry against an entire culture of people you know nothing about doesn't make you a dick at all. It makes you a folk hero because political correctness is a bad thing. Being a complete pile of feces is a good thing. Act accordingly.
4) Apparently Scott Walked dropped out of the race this week. When reached for comment, Americans everywhere said Who?" "Was he running?" and "Is that the dude who hates unions? Yeah, fuck that guy."
5) Hey, Pope Francis. I like you, dude. For a Pope, you seem like a pretty decent guy, spreading the good news and helping the poor and accepting the nonbelievers and the gays and the divorced. You even believe in Climate Change! You've still got a major woman problem, but I'm willing to overlook that for the moment. But could you do me a favor? Could you not come to New York City tomorrow? I know that a ton of people want to see you, but most of us don't, and you're totally ruining all of our lives right now. We are shutting down like, 100 blocks of road for you. Bro, that is so much. So much! It's on a FRIDAY. A Friday at 5:00 PM. For a Cool Pope®, that is a supremely uncool move. Do you know how many people are going to be leaving work then? All they want to do is take off their pants and drink beer and eat Cheetos while they watch The Big Bang Theory and pretend it's funny, and you are going to make that so difficult, man. Francie (can I call you Francie?), here's my suggestion: Just go to Coney Island. Coney Island needs religion, and you're here to provide. You don't need to mess with the city and the street closures and the masses of people. The believers will come to you! And the rest of us will go about our lives completely unaffected by your presence. Doesn't that sound perfect? I know they already painted a 50-story mural of you in midtown, but I will take a picture of it and text it to you. It isn't that great, and you don't want to be schlepping all the way up here when you could be eating hot dogs and blessing those in need. Deal? Ok cool. Catch you on the flippy flop.
Until next time, kids...
Friday, September 18, 2015
Dear Ann Coulter,
Oh, Ann. Silly billy Ann. We're going to need to talk about this.
Bless your hateful little heart. You know, we actually don't really disagree on what you're calling out in this tweet. I too find it pretty repulsive that conservatives wring their hands about Israel in an attempt to garner Jewish votes, especially because they are usually declaring the United States a "Christian nation" in the same breath. It's silly pandering, it's disingenuous, and it doesn't even work. But even though we miraculously are sort of (kind of) simpatico on this one little thing, I'm not going to come to your defense.
And do you know why, Ann? Do you know why?
To tell you why I'm going to use a word that I normally don't, because I know it is misogynistic and offensive to a lot of people. But since you delight in offending others and despise feminism, I'm going to go ahead and use it for you.
*deep breath*
It's because you are a grade-A cunt, Ann. You. Are. A. Cunt. It's the best word for someone like you.
*exhales*
Ann, you're just the worst sort of person. You're the kind of woman who calls 9/11 widows freeloaders just so someone will pay attention to you. It is essentially the same as being a Kardashian. You don't care where the attention comes from, and you don't even care that the only attention you receive is negative. You just care that it exists, and you will say anything (literally... anything) to get it. And girl, that is sad as FUCK! You're so sad! So sad and lonely that you go on Twitter and spit vitriol to every group in America, hoping that someone will eventually be mad enough to pay attention. And it worked, honey. I'm writing a blog post right now just for you, and I'm sure you're having fun rolling around in your pile of money... alone.
But that is what happens when you're a cunt, Ann. You end up sad and alone and full of your own poison.
So as one lady to another, I'm going to give you a bunch of unsolicited advice. And I know you won't mind Ann, because cunts give unsolicited advice all the time. My advice is to shut up. Like, forever. Surely you have enough bigot money right now to live comfortably for the rest of your life, so there is no need to call people faggots and retards anymore. There is no need to shove your idiot face into any more Fox News segments. We get it. You hate everyone and you're so totally edgy and totally blond and you're a conservative Gen-Xer's wet dream. But that's probably enough, right? Aren't you tired? Aren't you hungry from keeping your Crypt Keeper figure all these years? Don't you want to cut your hair into a bob and wear a pair of sweatpants and read a Dan Brown novel? I think you do, Ann. So please shut the fuck up. I'm tired of listening to you. We are all tired of listening to you. I bet even you are tired of listening to you. So shut up.
Seriously.
Stop saying words.
Enjoy The Da Vinci Code.
Hate,
Katy
Bless your hateful little heart. You know, we actually don't really disagree on what you're calling out in this tweet. I too find it pretty repulsive that conservatives wring their hands about Israel in an attempt to garner Jewish votes, especially because they are usually declaring the United States a "Christian nation" in the same breath. It's silly pandering, it's disingenuous, and it doesn't even work. But even though we miraculously are sort of (kind of) simpatico on this one little thing, I'm not going to come to your defense.
And do you know why, Ann? Do you know why?
To tell you why I'm going to use a word that I normally don't, because I know it is misogynistic and offensive to a lot of people. But since you delight in offending others and despise feminism, I'm going to go ahead and use it for you.
*deep breath*
It's because you are a grade-A cunt, Ann. You. Are. A. Cunt. It's the best word for someone like you.
*exhales*
Ann, you're just the worst sort of person. You're the kind of woman who calls 9/11 widows freeloaders just so someone will pay attention to you. It is essentially the same as being a Kardashian. You don't care where the attention comes from, and you don't even care that the only attention you receive is negative. You just care that it exists, and you will say anything (literally... anything) to get it. And girl, that is sad as FUCK! You're so sad! So sad and lonely that you go on Twitter and spit vitriol to every group in America, hoping that someone will eventually be mad enough to pay attention. And it worked, honey. I'm writing a blog post right now just for you, and I'm sure you're having fun rolling around in your pile of money... alone.
But that is what happens when you're a cunt, Ann. You end up sad and alone and full of your own poison.
So as one lady to another, I'm going to give you a bunch of unsolicited advice. And I know you won't mind Ann, because cunts give unsolicited advice all the time. My advice is to shut up. Like, forever. Surely you have enough bigot money right now to live comfortably for the rest of your life, so there is no need to call people faggots and retards anymore. There is no need to shove your idiot face into any more Fox News segments. We get it. You hate everyone and you're so totally edgy and totally blond and you're a conservative Gen-Xer's wet dream. But that's probably enough, right? Aren't you tired? Aren't you hungry from keeping your Crypt Keeper figure all these years? Don't you want to cut your hair into a bob and wear a pair of sweatpants and read a Dan Brown novel? I think you do, Ann. So please shut the fuck up. I'm tired of listening to you. We are all tired of listening to you. I bet even you are tired of listening to you. So shut up.
Seriously.
Stop saying words.
Enjoy The Da Vinci Code.
Hate,
Katy
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Thursday Rant 9/17/15
Good morning, haterz! LET'S DO THIS.
1) Guys, I'm going to be real honest with you... I didn't watch the GOP debate. Instead I drank lychee martinis and ate Szechuan shrimp with an old friend, which is 100 times more enjoyable than watching 11 windbags bloviate. But because I love you, I did watch the highlights and read the news, and from what I can tell the best parts of the debate were the questions that had nothing to do with policy whatsoever. The security names they would use should they ever become president? DELIGHTFUL! Donald Trump's was Humble... look how aware he is of his own ridiculousness! Marco Rubio's is Gator, which actually really endears him to me, but this is a rant so I'm not going to focus on the things I like. Mike Huckabee's was not Jesus4eva, as I would have expected, but the totally boring and secular Duckhunter, which is disappointing. You can do better. Everyone else's was boring except for John Kasich, who would like to be called Unit One, which I am 99% sure is his pet name for his dong. What lady would you like on the $10 bill? EVEN BETTER! Apparently this is a really hard to understand question, because 2 of these idiots didn't pick Americans and 3 of them just chose members of their own family. Well isn't that cute and folksy?! Mike Huckabee picked his wife! Isn't that sweet? But let's be honest, this gal has made it through 30 years of fucking Mike Huckabee without committing seppuku, so I'm pretty sure she at least deserves a medal for bravery. I'm assuming the rest of the debate went something like "If I win, I'll bring down Jesus with an assault rifle and he can tell you all about the virtues of small government" or something. Really... who cares?
2) We need to talk about Miss America. I can't believe how many people I know are in love with this mess. I know it has more virtue than some other pageants in that it has a talent portion and the women competing have a platform for service, and they get a scholarship and many of these extraordinary women go on to do great things all that is lovely, but can we stop and have some real talk about this shit? That scholarship... for their education... is at least partially based on how they look in a freaking swimsuit. Your daughters watch this, people. So we are putting these smart, educated, gifted women on TV and telling them and everyone else that it is their tits in an evening gown that matters. This is fucked up, guys. When you watch 2 of the 4 categories (the categories they spend the longest airtime on, obviously), it is them walking around looking hot, staring wordlessly into the camera for your pleasure, and you are encouraged to judge them based on appearance alone. Really think about what you are doing when you watch this, people. EW. I judge you, and I judge you hard. It is 2015 for fuck's sake, and you are watching a 3 hour show devoted to you judging women's bodies! Stop it. STOP. IT. Turn on Netflix and watch Teeth instead. Seriously, stop watching this shit.
3) I feel like I say this every week, but WHAT THE HELL, TEXAS? You arrested a skinny 14 year old in a NASA shirt because he brought a clock to school? Really? Oh, it looked like a bomb? No, it didn't, you racist poopstains. It looked like a clock, and you arrested this kid because he is brown and his name is Ahmed Mohamed. You are racist, you are Islamophobic, and most of all, you are stupid, because if you took one damn second to look at the incidences of terrorism within the United States, you'd walk over to your gun-toting neighbor's house and arrest him, because 20-something, right wing, white males are committing most of the acts of terrorism here... pre and post 9/11. But please, continue to search everyone with a middle eastern name at the airport, and don't forget to keep arresting gifted children! Thanks for making this kid not only an even bigger target of derision among his peers, but thanks also for discouraging him from science and engineering, because we're apparently not far enough behind the rest of the world in this capacity. America is number one! Just kidding, we're number 21 out of 30.
4) Who else read the article in the Chicago Sun Times about how you can't rape sex workers? About how a rape case involving a prostitute is "making a mockery of rape victims?" Did you read it? I did, and I want to cut someone over it. And who wrote this bologna? Mary Mitchell. A woman. A freaking WOMAN wrote this about another woman. Are you fucking with me, Mary?!?! A man hired a prostitute, and when she went to meet him he put a gun to her head and raped her, and you think that... is fine? Is Ted Cruz paying you to write this? Is this satire and you're just really bad at it? What is even happening?!?!?! You know the sex worker that you're talking about is another person, right? You understand that she is a living, breathing human being with feelings and rights, the same as you are? I'm asking these ridiculous questions because I feel like maybe you don't know that sex workers are people and that dehumanizing them with your bullshit commentary makes their job even more dangerous than it already is. I don't know, maybe you confused "sex worker" with "non-sentient piece of plastic" and you're already writing your redaction, but in case you didn't, let me clear some shit up for you: anyone can get raped, you idiot. A sex worker, a child, a man, a transgender woman, a priest, a cheerleader, a spouse, ANYONE. Hey Mary, did you know that in some states you could still legally rape your wife until the 1980's? True story. So let's not go back to that nonsense and agree that no matter your line of work or marital status or gender or sexuality or whatever, you deserve to be treated like a human being. Even idiots like you, Mary. Even you.
That's it for this Thursday. I'm going to drink some more coffee.
1) Guys, I'm going to be real honest with you... I didn't watch the GOP debate. Instead I drank lychee martinis and ate Szechuan shrimp with an old friend, which is 100 times more enjoyable than watching 11 windbags bloviate. But because I love you, I did watch the highlights and read the news, and from what I can tell the best parts of the debate were the questions that had nothing to do with policy whatsoever. The security names they would use should they ever become president? DELIGHTFUL! Donald Trump's was Humble... look how aware he is of his own ridiculousness! Marco Rubio's is Gator, which actually really endears him to me, but this is a rant so I'm not going to focus on the things I like. Mike Huckabee's was not Jesus4eva, as I would have expected, but the totally boring and secular Duckhunter, which is disappointing. You can do better. Everyone else's was boring except for John Kasich, who would like to be called Unit One, which I am 99% sure is his pet name for his dong. What lady would you like on the $10 bill? EVEN BETTER! Apparently this is a really hard to understand question, because 2 of these idiots didn't pick Americans and 3 of them just chose members of their own family. Well isn't that cute and folksy?! Mike Huckabee picked his wife! Isn't that sweet? But let's be honest, this gal has made it through 30 years of fucking Mike Huckabee without committing seppuku, so I'm pretty sure she at least deserves a medal for bravery. I'm assuming the rest of the debate went something like "If I win, I'll bring down Jesus with an assault rifle and he can tell you all about the virtues of small government" or something. Really... who cares?
2) We need to talk about Miss America. I can't believe how many people I know are in love with this mess. I know it has more virtue than some other pageants in that it has a talent portion and the women competing have a platform for service, and they get a scholarship and many of these extraordinary women go on to do great things all that is lovely, but can we stop and have some real talk about this shit? That scholarship... for their education... is at least partially based on how they look in a freaking swimsuit. Your daughters watch this, people. So we are putting these smart, educated, gifted women on TV and telling them and everyone else that it is their tits in an evening gown that matters. This is fucked up, guys. When you watch 2 of the 4 categories (the categories they spend the longest airtime on, obviously), it is them walking around looking hot, staring wordlessly into the camera for your pleasure, and you are encouraged to judge them based on appearance alone. Really think about what you are doing when you watch this, people. EW. I judge you, and I judge you hard. It is 2015 for fuck's sake, and you are watching a 3 hour show devoted to you judging women's bodies! Stop it. STOP. IT. Turn on Netflix and watch Teeth instead. Seriously, stop watching this shit.
3) I feel like I say this every week, but WHAT THE HELL, TEXAS? You arrested a skinny 14 year old in a NASA shirt because he brought a clock to school? Really? Oh, it looked like a bomb? No, it didn't, you racist poopstains. It looked like a clock, and you arrested this kid because he is brown and his name is Ahmed Mohamed. You are racist, you are Islamophobic, and most of all, you are stupid, because if you took one damn second to look at the incidences of terrorism within the United States, you'd walk over to your gun-toting neighbor's house and arrest him, because 20-something, right wing, white males are committing most of the acts of terrorism here... pre and post 9/11. But please, continue to search everyone with a middle eastern name at the airport, and don't forget to keep arresting gifted children! Thanks for making this kid not only an even bigger target of derision among his peers, but thanks also for discouraging him from science and engineering, because we're apparently not far enough behind the rest of the world in this capacity. America is number one! Just kidding, we're number 21 out of 30.
4) Who else read the article in the Chicago Sun Times about how you can't rape sex workers? About how a rape case involving a prostitute is "making a mockery of rape victims?" Did you read it? I did, and I want to cut someone over it. And who wrote this bologna? Mary Mitchell. A woman. A freaking WOMAN wrote this about another woman. Are you fucking with me, Mary?!?! A man hired a prostitute, and when she went to meet him he put a gun to her head and raped her, and you think that... is fine? Is Ted Cruz paying you to write this? Is this satire and you're just really bad at it? What is even happening?!?!?! You know the sex worker that you're talking about is another person, right? You understand that she is a living, breathing human being with feelings and rights, the same as you are? I'm asking these ridiculous questions because I feel like maybe you don't know that sex workers are people and that dehumanizing them with your bullshit commentary makes their job even more dangerous than it already is. I don't know, maybe you confused "sex worker" with "non-sentient piece of plastic" and you're already writing your redaction, but in case you didn't, let me clear some shit up for you: anyone can get raped, you idiot. A sex worker, a child, a man, a transgender woman, a priest, a cheerleader, a spouse, ANYONE. Hey Mary, did you know that in some states you could still legally rape your wife until the 1980's? True story. So let's not go back to that nonsense and agree that no matter your line of work or marital status or gender or sexuality or whatever, you deserve to be treated like a human being. Even idiots like you, Mary. Even you.
That's it for this Thursday. I'm going to drink some more coffee.
Monday, September 14, 2015
Dear Kim Davis,
Ugh. I am so freaking TIRED of looking at your face and I'm even more tired of watching you cry on camera like you're receiving paternity test results on Maury.
Speaking of that.
I'm sure I don't need to point out what a terrible hypocrite you are, and I kind of wish I didn't have to. But you've had more husbands than I've had cats, and that is a lot of husbands... to say nothing of your bastards (I'm pretending I'm on Game of Thrones). And you know what? I don't even judge you for that, because A) I love Elizabeth Taylor and B) YOLO. But girl. GIRL. You are forcing me to point out that while I don't judge you for that, Jesus definitely does, you adulterous whore of Babylon (his words, not mine). You are forcing my feminist ass to slut shame you, so please shut up and go away.
And girl, get a hold of your lawyers. I know they are doing this for free, and that what they say is getting you huge piles of bigot money, but they need to quit it:
"Back in the 1930s, it began with the Jews, where they were evicted from public employment, then boycotted in their private employment, then stigmatized and that led to the gas chambers... This is the new persecution of Christians here in this country.”
You know what isn't anything like the treatment of a Jew in Nazi Germany? EVERYTHING. Seriously. Nothing else is like that. I'm pretty sure they fed and clothed you for your few days in jail and that when you took a shower it was water that came out of the faucet, not toxic gas. You disobeyed the constitution and disobeyed a judge's order. That's why you went to jail, where you got a free 5 day PAID vacation. So no, you aren't a Jew in Nazi Germany. You're a fundamentalist Christian in Kentucky, which means you are getting a fucking hero's welcome everywhere you go.
Also... do something about your hair. Jesus, you look like Chewbacca had sex with one of the Duggars.
Hate,
Ms. Rantsypants
Speaking of that.
I'm sure I don't need to point out what a terrible hypocrite you are, and I kind of wish I didn't have to. But you've had more husbands than I've had cats, and that is a lot of husbands... to say nothing of your bastards (I'm pretending I'm on Game of Thrones). And you know what? I don't even judge you for that, because A) I love Elizabeth Taylor and B) YOLO. But girl. GIRL. You are forcing me to point out that while I don't judge you for that, Jesus definitely does, you adulterous whore of Babylon (his words, not mine). You are forcing my feminist ass to slut shame you, so please shut up and go away.
And girl, get a hold of your lawyers. I know they are doing this for free, and that what they say is getting you huge piles of bigot money, but they need to quit it:
"Back in the 1930s, it began with the Jews, where they were evicted from public employment, then boycotted in their private employment, then stigmatized and that led to the gas chambers... This is the new persecution of Christians here in this country.”
You know what isn't anything like the treatment of a Jew in Nazi Germany? EVERYTHING. Seriously. Nothing else is like that. I'm pretty sure they fed and clothed you for your few days in jail and that when you took a shower it was water that came out of the faucet, not toxic gas. You disobeyed the constitution and disobeyed a judge's order. That's why you went to jail, where you got a free 5 day PAID vacation. So no, you aren't a Jew in Nazi Germany. You're a fundamentalist Christian in Kentucky, which means you are getting a fucking hero's welcome everywhere you go.
Also... do something about your hair. Jesus, you look like Chewbacca had sex with one of the Duggars.
Hate,
Ms. Rantsypants
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)